Saturday, April 28, 2007

Teddy scores one last time

It felt like a punt returned for a touchdown in April. The Dolphins with their 9th overall pick expected to take Quinn decided to go with Ginn instead. Buckeyes at the draft jumped up and represented, Quinn and his rent-a-tramp sunk in their seats. He could do nothing but smile. That same smile as when a quarterback throws a game-losing interceptions and has to walk off the field knowing he let that one get away (see Favre 1999-present).

I just finished that final beer from the Super Bowl. It tasted fine. It had to be patient and wait until it was needed. I think I'll keep the bottle and name it Brady.

So the Browns now, huh? Pretty good draft, they'll win a few more fans around the Midwest, maybe a game or two more, and then give the Cowboys a first round stud next year.

As for my Bears there's still a decent tight end waiting.

Your thoughts please...

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Go Cavs?

It's a dead spot in the sports world. NHL playoffs, NASCAR, MLB in April, and the beginning of the NBA playoffs which I believe take longer than the regular season. Is it me or does it almost seem at times that the 2 NBA teams have an agreement to keep the lead to within 12 points until the last few minutes of the game? It's like they're track runners in an 8 laps race just jogging for the first 6 laps. If you give any defensive effort at all someone will throw up a terrible shot. I think the 24 second clock should be 30 IF the players agree to run a real offense. We'd have to trust them, their wives do. That's why the Warriors are currently ahead of a team that has no excuse to not win it all.

As I watched certain OSU players this year who would be considering playing in this FANtastic league, I noticed that they do something that is kind of a basketball pet peeve of mine. Mind you, I was a coach's son. WHEN WILL COLLEGE AND PRO PLAYERS LEARN WHICH WAY TO ROLL AFTER THEY SET A PICK?! It's simple, you open up to the ball so that your eyes never leave the person you set the pick for. By turning the wrong way you lose any chance of having that crucial glance that lets the guard know you're open. It amazes me how fundamental that skill is yet pros are too lazy to do it. With the right two players the pick and roll can be almost unstoppable. Often it takes help from someone else to stop it resulting in a kick out for a 3 pointer...and if you're playing against OSU you are guaranteed to make about 86% of those shots (he's still not over it is he?). I'm sure there are a few of you who still think the NBA is the bees knees...but you probably also still use phrases like bees knees.

By the way I'm picking the Suns, I think they try the hardest.

Now to give this post a purpose...

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Spring Game Report

Reader Wise attended today's spring game and gave me a call. One significant thing about it was that it's the last game in The Shoe played on real grass. I can't wait to see our student body tear the turf up after a big win. He explained the good and the bad of the day. Our special teams will continue to be pretty strong so Tressel Ball isn't going anywhere. Our defense has a lot back. The opening play was an interception returned for a touchdown. The game winning play was a sack, fumble returned for a touchdown. The offense...Well, did anyone else watch the Chicago Bears? That's who we're turning into. We need 2 defensive touchdowns a game and a good punt return. Offense will just have to try and improve and give us a chance to stay in the game. It could be a rough year for our 23 year old inexperienced quarterback. Just try to focus on the great things about the program and school.

Friday, April 20, 2007

But I thought he loved me

It's official, we suck. I really don't want to talk about him them anymore. So what do we look forward to? This guy at my gym who is a big OSU fan was telling me about how good our wrestling program is getting...super... We have baseball, right? (Reader Wise stops reading). The NFL draft is a reminder of how many stars we're losing in that sport as well. It also reminds me of that heartbreaking Super Bowl loss and yes I still have that 1 last beer in my fridge leftover from that game. It's a Sam Adams so it should still be good I imagine.

But really (don't ever start a paragraph with but) it's about starting over. I move to a new apartment 1 building away on day 2 of the draft...which reminds me I need to schedule a cable transfer. I'm watching PTI right now and right over Kornheiser's shoulder is that big Brutus head cut out. It wants to say, "Hey, football will be here soon! Another weekend where it stays interesting for a half but then you can assume we'll win because everyone on the field has 99 ratings for things like speed and arm strength." Sadly, I don't even play Madden or NCAA football or anything past the SNES.

Where was I though? Oh yes, rebuilding and starting over. It'll suck. That douchebag on was saying "that's what we get" for signing 3 McDonald's All Americans. Yes, clearly we should be punished for recruiting the best players out there. Whatever to him, sofemore year is queer! Good luck Butler, Michael Redd you are not.

(ps my spellchecker isn't working)

Monday, April 16, 2007

We'll have to resort to our trusty white guys

Sounds like Oden is leaving. His father said he was. There's a 1% chance that he's not I guess. Maybe Greg hates his Dad as much as the girl pictured below hates her Dad. By staying in college he risks hurting his wrist again, getting into trouble, getting shot up from a crazy shooter because the police send out an e-mail instead of putting the campus on lockdown, and losing out on millions. By staying, he'd win a championship for us. And unless your Dad is the gayest, worst tennis star of all time that would be pointless.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Please, give me more pain

If Chris Berman was in charge of this post he's start with a cheesy intro by singing "Should I stay or should I go..." But I won't. So the rumor the other day was the Conley and Oden were both going to announce that they were leaving for the NBA at the end of the OSU basketball celebration acknowledgement of a good season. They made no announcement. The thing is, if Oden leaves it really doesn't matter if Conley stays or not. Sure we could win another Big Ten title and win a few tournament games but at this point that isn't enough to make up for the heartbreak known as 2007. A "great point guard" doesn't win championships anymore. If Oden stays we have no excuse to EVER lose. So I guess it's like a jury when the defendant is probably guilty. "Hmm, what's taking them so long? Is there a chance?" Probably not. I don't know what's going through that noggin of his. Sure, the NBA would lead to a lot of money and women. But I seem to recall OSU providing that for him. So why not Greg? Why not heal the heartbreak of this season? I'm not counting on it though. I'm guessing he'll stay with OSU as long as legally possible, get my hopes waaaaay up...and make me as confident as a 6 point spread in a BCS title game and then leave. Somehow Orlando will end up with the first pick and take him (since they're from Florida). This year has made me realize how important the 2002 championship really was. If not for that game I'm pretty much a Red Sox fan before '04. Out here in St. Louis people keep saying, "Well you made the final game in both sports." They don't understand.

Well this entry was just an excuse to update I guess. The site has been giving me some trouble lately. We'll keep posting about upcoming things and probably venture away from the topic of losing. My t-shirt model finally came through so as soon as I get the pictures we'll put her up here and whore some of those shirts out.

One more that even a dress? That chick just took a long shirt and some matching panties!

We'll assume her name is Stacy and her roomate's name is Rachel.

Stacy: I can't find any pants to go with this outfit.

Rachel: Oden's going to be there.

Stacy: Maybe if I wear a belt everyone will think these are pants.

Rachel: (laughing) You're such a whore!

Stacy: Oh it's a private party, it's not like it's going to be broadcasted over the Internet.

Monday, April 02, 2007

"Once I wanted to be the greatest..."

If tonight's game was a book I was supposed to read in college but didn't it would NOT be "Great Expectations." (Stuffed animal comes out one last time to flip me off). Even my old man was quoted in the Mansfield News Journal about our slim chances. I don't even know if I'll get mad tonight. I really expect nothing. I feel like most Florida fans did the morning of January 8, 2007. Hey--wait a minute? Are you saying that? No. No, I'm not. We're 5 point underdogs. Are they kidding? 5 points? You know what, if we're within 5 points then we do have a shot. What's the over/under on Oden's 4th foul, halftime? (But Slim, if you win, wouldn't it be weird?But wait, maybe the refs will be inclined to keep him in the game) No, no they won't. He's picked up cheap fouls this entire tournament against teams who don't even have big men. The only way he can stay in is if they avoid calling fouls on everything except blocked shot attempts. That means no charging, illegal screens, over the backs, ankle roughing, Kansas City Flip Flaps, etc.

Here's what I saw every time I flipped from ESPN2 to CBS on Saturday, dish, dunk OR drive, kick-out, 3 ball. So yes, I watched a lot of poker instead (does anyone else believe Daniel Negranue is straight?). My scouting report says, "Focus on getting players to come back next year." I really wouldn't be surprised if we ran the opening kickoff back either. (Oh wait, the jackasses on ESPN already made this joke)

So yes, my 2007 will continue to be a disaster where I'm bombarded with defeat every time Sports Illustrated shows an ad. "Hey Gator Fans!...Hey Colts Fans!...Hey Gator Fans! (again)...Hey any team who Rob Durham roots against!'s your chance to pick up another worthless shitty collectors edition that no one wants..."

I haven't made it through an SI commercial in quite some time. If we won anything I think I'd actually subscribe just to get that edition that's so uniquely labeled 61,452 out of 100,000.

And here's my biggest problem with the media. Should we lose, there will still be THOUSANDS of headlines saying, "The Bucks Stop Here." I think any reporter who still prints that line should lose his press credentials for the next 5 years. The only people who still find it clever are the old fucks who live in Florida...

(4:30 a.m. on the porch of a house outside of Gainesville. Old man reaches down for newspaper)

Old Man Witherspoon: Hey Beatrice, would ya look at this!
Beatrice: What's it say honey?
Old Man Witherspoon: Says the Bucks Stop Here! We must have won last night, cause they're the Bucks and they
Beatrice: Well that's wonderful honey, I'm glad those boys and that one girl with the fro-pony tale pulled it off again.
Old Man Witherspoon: Yes indeed, we're now the champions.
(grandson named Gabriel enters)
Gabriel: Don't you mean CHOMPians, grandpa?!
All: (laughing)

See, those fucks don't deserve another title, we do! DAMMIT GUYS JUST WIN A GAME FOR ME!

But there is no hope for me or any of us this year. I'll predict that the Cavs will lose in 6 4 games in June, and the Yankees will go down in 6 this October. I've just broken up with my girlfriend, I turn 30 in a matter of months, and my comedy career only has only one gig booked and it's in the nation's lowest paying comedy club...Shine on '07 shine on!