Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Here comes the Hos-stet-ler!! I'm the lyrical gangsta!!

Who else misses Ini Kamose?? C'mon!!!

I have been racking my brain to think of some great pornstaches on atheletes since the previously mentioned Jeffy Hostetler. I really can't come up with much of anything. There's Jeff Fisher who has the greatest pornstache/mullet combo in sports history. I realize he's a coach so that's negative points. But then I remembered my friends at Nascar. The Jeff Gordon, I just got divorced, my wife doesn't love me, I don't care what any of these hillbillies think pornstache ranks right up there with some of the greatest. "3" also had a good one, but his was always there and just seemed appropriate. The stache on Gordon seemed so out of place and silly that it was perfect porn quality. He may have had the same one pre-rainbow warrior phase too, but no one noticed him until he started winning winston cups with rainbow coalition forces. Also, it's been way overdue for some Nascar on midwestbias.

Since Fu and I are pretty much in agreeance on the greatest superbowls, I'm starting a new list. But before I do, Mike Jones?? I still think it was London Fletcher. Mostly because I love that name. It just rolls off the tongue. I actually have two lists I want to do, but I think we'll keep with the NFL theme. Since the greatest ones were easy, let's do the 3 worst superbowls of the espn era. Could be a little harder, definitely more frustrating, and clearly lots of fun.

Coming in at number 3....
3) 1990: San Fran 55 Denver 10
While intertaining for niner's fans, the game was a total joke. It was never in doubt as the dynasty rolled over the stupid horses jumping out of Ds. Total yards in the game were 461-167. There weren't even that many turnovers. It was simply a mismatch and just terrible to watch. This game gets bonus points for me having to watch this game after this crappy ass bronco team beat Cleveland to get there. I'm still furious...moving on...quickly

2) 2003: Tampa Bay 48 Oakland 21
Just an absolutely gross, gross second half in this game. While "competitive?" in the first half, it was never intriguing. The game had no flow and 34 unanswered points by the bucs. It's "highlight" was the raiders having 2 first downs during a 9 possession stretch and 5 turnovers. I'd like to say it had the worst qb's in superbowl history. Gannon vs. Johnson managed not to be somehow. I wish I could say it was the worst. Everyone was so happy that tampa and gruden won, that they failed to realize how disgusting this game was. A game with 69 total points and the mvp was a safety. That's really all you need to know.

1) 2001: Ravens 34 Giants 7 - aka "The one that never happened"
Just no...don't make me discuss...please...arg. Dilfer!!! Collins!!! It's the superbowl? Coming off huge high of crushing the mighty Vikings, the Giants totally lay an egg gaining only 152 yards in the whole game. Their deepest pentration was to the Baltimore 29 and then threw a pick on the next play. The Giants only scored on a punt return...in the third quarter... and that cut the lead to 10!!!...IN THE THIRD QUARTER!!! The winning team had 240 yards of offense. The winning quarterback threw under 50% and for 133 yards. Each team (that's both) had fewer first downs than the pats against the 85 bears. You better read that sentence again. Add in the fact they used to be the Browns and Ray Lewis was the mvp, and there's no doubt this game takes home number 1.

All right...I'm going to puke. Fu, do your worst.

8 Comments:

At 11:12 AM, February 03, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with #1 and #3 here but the All-Pirate SB was miles better than Falcons/Broncos and Chargers/Steve Young. I honestly think the Falcons and Chargers both thought the Super Bowl was a Monday Night game (case in point - Eugene Robinson).
Bocephus: "ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?!?!!"
Chargers/Falcons: "No. No we are not."

- Nips

 
At 11:34 AM, February 03, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

"Gantsa"? What the fuck is that, some kind of herbal supplement?

 
At 12:11 PM, February 03, 2005, Blogger The Diddy said...

I don't know what gantsa is. I'm confused and juicy.

 
At 12:15 PM, February 03, 2005, Blogger The Diddy said...

Also, I forgot to give honorable mention to 1993 Cowboys and Bills for Buffalo commiting 9 turnovers. Yeesh.

 
At 12:34 PM, February 03, 2005, Blogger Scooter McGavin said...

Ok, Jim just reminded me the Debacle that was San Fran vs. the Chargers... it was awful, Steve Yound vs .. Stan Humphries??? i have no idea who else it was, but i know it was horrible to watch.. for the play of the game i think it's the opening drive and like the 3rd play when Young threw a 50 yard bomb. The game was over and everyone knew it.

 
At 12:48 PM, February 03, 2005, Blogger The Diddy said...

I very much rememberd that game [1995 San Fran/San Diego] and it finished number 4 on my list. The reasons it didn't make the list
1) The 49ers/Broncos was a bigger blowout
2) It was still a better played game than Raiders/Bucs
3) It had Natrone Means!!! And we all know that Natrone Means business.

 
At 1:03 PM, February 03, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

I know that I'm not alone here in saying that any game that involves a running back combo of Natrone Means and Marion Butts can never make any "worst of" list. Yeah, the game sucked, and Stan Humphries was one of those guys who had the permanent smile/grimace thing going. But come on. Means/Butts. All is well.

 
At 4:00 PM, February 04, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I flippin' loved HUMPHRIES MEANS BUTTS (read that one more time). That's why, to me, the Niners demolition of the Chargers ranks so high on my list of worst SBs.

- Nip-Z

 

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