Friday, August 18, 2006

74 - 65 GVGOAT

74) Spy vs. Spy (PC)

Not exactly the high point of race relations, this game features a white guy and a black guy living together and trying to kill each other. I always wanted to know what went so wrong between these two. Also, were they roommates? Lovers? Isn't anyone else concerned for the next people who move into that house?















Above: I'm not looking at your screen. Shut up!!!

When it came out, this game was the ultimate in attempting outwit your opponent. Or rather, who can watch who's screen better. Still though, a total classic.

Fun Fact: The 4-player version of Spy vs. Spy featured 2 additional spies and special killing moves. Red Spy with "7 Deck Blackjack" and Yellow Spy's "Parallel Parking"


73) Excitebike (NES)

Voted, "the toughest video game character ever", no matter how many times you bit it, that little racer always got back on. Also, despite how fast his legs were moving, he probably had a 40-time somewhere around 9 seconds. The truly revolutionary feature of this game was "create-a-track". Granted you only had about 6 things to choose from, but at the time, it was really sweet.














Above: Vrooooooom.......VROOOOOOM......(**stall**)......DAMN IT

Fun Fact: I swear if you push back hard enough, he'll do a flip. It's worth like, 40 continues, I SWEAR!!!






72) Pole Position (NES)

Be very careful when doing a google image search on this title. Just warning you. After what I just saw...I can't comment on this game. Moving on.















Above: After what I've seen, and seeing this picture, don't you think "lap speed" would be a good way to measure a lesbian? Ok, seriously, moving on....





71) Wolfenstein 3-D (PC)

I really wanted to put this one higher, but, in the end, I just couldn't. It's basically a Doom clone, BUT BUT BUT, you get to kill actual nazis in your pursuit of zee Hitler. Now here's the thing about this game, if you don't like hitler pics, DO NOT play this game. But if Hitler portraits make you HOTT, welcome to a world of masturbation at every turn!












Above: The modern nazi decor.

If you like the looks of level 1, then you'll LOVE the rest. So remember, if you like your nazis german, levels very similar, and hitler pics identical, you'll enjoy this one.

Fun Fact: If you shoot every Hitler portrait in the game, you will probably run out of bullets.





70) Wave Race 64 (N64)

I know most of you haven't played this one, but trust me, at the dawn of the 64 bit era this game was gold. It handled extremely well and really took advantage of the then new console abilities.















Above: A game most of you never played, which means there's no crackers in the middle




69) Missile Command

A video gaming pioneer. The first of a few titles that reach back to the antiquity of gaming to form what the industry is today. Point...Click...FIRE!! The action was fast AND furious, and if you weren't "up to speed" then your town turned into Hiroscreama, if you get my Tokyo Drift.





















Above: I'm serious, this WAS cutting edge.

Fun Fact: Missile Command was programmed entirely in BASIC.




68) Double Dragon

An absolute arcade legend. No game could gather a crowd like watching 2 guys trying to beat the final level of this one. No one ever asked how many quarters it took, it was a non-factor. The point was, they were in the final chamber, with 10 enemies and one of them gets to have a machine gun, which was simply unfair.

















Above: Wait....Uhhhhh...Right there.....YOU (K)NEED MY GRUNDLE!

Fun Fact: Crazy Fat-Headed villain (usually mini-bosses) from this game might get my vote as ugliest human creature in video game history


67) Rampage (NES)

Ever want to control huge dinosaurs and monkey while getting to eat people in buildings? You say you also want them to die in a 3x3 pool of water? Yes? Then you're in luck, I have just the game for you. Rampage took the opposite model of video games up to that point. You get to BE the huge monster. That novelty along with easy game play made this title very popular despite it being completely repetitive.
























Above: CAVE NO LIKE BOX MAKE MOVIE!!!

Fun Fact: Screaming woman are nutritious when consumed.



66) Ice Hockey (NES)

When I began searching for pics for this game, I typed "Ice Honkey" by accident. Somehow, Vanilla Ice wasn't pictured. Anyway, Ice Hockey the game taught us one thing, you CAN create a video game on the "rock, paper, scissors" model and have it work. Also, it verified that hockey and 8-bit nintendo games were racist. I don't care how fat the fat guys were, they were always white. So, I guess the game could have been titled "Ice Honkey" and it would have still been appropriate.


















Above: Near the center line you'll see one of natures most beautiful moments, the splitting of the two-headed skinny blue embryo

Fun Fact: This game disproves the mostly accepted myth that we are all "like snowflakes". You're either skinny, normal, fat, or goalie. Yes, that means you.



65) Myst (PC)

"Bring me the Blue Pages!!" One of the greatest selling games of all-time it also turned out to be one of the most irritating. You wonder about as a first-person clicker and solve puzzles. Your character is also the only one in the game besides the people in the books. So, if you were a loner who liked playing a video game about a loner, this one was for you.













Above: For its time, a wonderfully artistic game

For me, the main intrigue of the game was the surreal experience. It almost seemed as if the guy being alone made him hallucinate the surroundings, because, well, they didn't make any sense. I mean honestly, how many puzzles can be on a deserted island?

Fun Fact: Going through all the levels, the game would take most players days of gametime to conquer, but as it turns out, the game could have been completely solved in 5 minutes. "No, bring me the RED pages"

5 Comments:

At 11:44 AM, August 21, 2006, Blogger Scooter said...

wow. I don't know how there that many games ahead of the likes of Rampage and Double Dragon, but i'm willing to give Diddy kudos for the comments on pole position. Never did i imagine that game could turn into a gay inuendo. Glorious

 
At 8:05 PM, August 21, 2006, Blogger Torgonator said...

I think this is your best post yet. Classic work here. Loved pretty much all of the comments (although I don't know anything about Wave Race). For some reason, the "Ice Honkey" comment made me giggle sporadically for about 3 minutes. In fact, it just happened again as I relived the moment. I think it's partly because it reminds me of Jeff's classic "honk" moment. But "ice honkey" just feels right. *giggle!*

 
At 6:09 PM, August 22, 2006, Blogger Torgonator said...

Just to clarify, I think this is your best post so far related to video games. I'm not prepared to say this is overall your best post ever. For that, I'm leaning towards that wonderful goddamn post from a couple years ago about Michael Vick (or was it Marcus? "It doesn't matter" is the end of that thought.)

Talking about people juicing themselves because he can throw it really hard at no one in particular. There I go giggling again. And I think that was the same post where you referred to Vick's (again, either one) sexploits as the "Hokie Pokey". GOLD!

 
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At 6:35 PM, December 12, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you seriously just say Wolfenstein was a Doom clone? What kind of idiot are you?

 

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