Thursday, February 03, 2005

Act like you know, Chico / I know what Bo don't know...

The thing is, Diddy Mao, Ini Kamoze never really went away. He burst onto the scene in 1983, and has been providing us with high-quality entertainment ever since. Hmm, the site says "there are no tours"? Well, I wouldn't have thought that, what with Ini's successful singles "Here Comes the Hotstepper," and ... and ...

But back to the issue at hand. The 3 worst Super Bowls of the ESPN Era. The thing is, with a lot of the ones that were blowouts, the team that got blown out was really good and it's difficult to put them in the "worst" category, or the team that did the ... uh ... "blowing out," just put on a classic performance (examples: '90 49ers, '88 Redskins, '95 49ers, '85 Bears). So, it's best to go with the games where it was two teams that weren't interesting and they played a game that was uninteresting and it ended up being a blowout and nobody cared. Sadly, there were only 2 of these, and (hint hint) they both happened in the last five years. So I have to pick one of the blowouts as my 3rd-worst game. Let's see...

3.) Redskins 37, Bills 24 (1992)
The fact that this Super Bowl was immortalized in a classic "Simpsons" episode is the only even remotely-noteworthy thing about this game. This was the year Mark Rypien sold his soul to the devil and the 'Skins absolutely dominated the whole friggin' league. The entire playoffs were one enormous foregone conclusion, and I hated it. Yes, I've made it a rule that "Any time Mark Rypien is the Super Bowl MVP, it's best that you just ignore both that, AND the entire previous year leading up to it." Hence, that forces me to omit from my memory the Lions' lone playoff win of the Super Bowl era. Bollocks. That Ernest Byner was a helluva running back, though...

2.) Buccaneers 48, Raiders 21 (2003)
Boring, boring, boring. That was the first year I had Donovan McNabb on my fantasy team, and I really wanted him to get to the Super Bowl, for no real reason that I can think of. Then flippin' Chuckie decided to lead his 'mos into Philly and walk out with a blowout win, resulting in a Super Bowl that no one cared about, as much as the media tried to shove the "Chuckie v. Al Davis" angle down our throats. Bonus points get taken off because we watched the game with Cave's sister and her friends, who, when we decided to order 5 pizzas from Hound Dog's for $25, all clamored for different toppings. So, over my strenuous objections, we ended up getting 5 different 1-topping pizzas: cheese, pepperoni, olives, green peppers, and mushrooms. After my first plateful, consisting of 1 slice of pepperoni and 1 slice of cheese, I went to the bathroom. When I came back, everyone else had gotten seconds. I went to get my own, and the cheese pizza and the pepperoni pizza were both gone. The green pepper and mushroom pizzas each had 1 slice missing, and the olive pizza hadn't yet been touched. After fighting off the urge to strangle every person in the room, I calmly sat down on the couch and proceeded to watch the rest of an absolutely TERRIBLE Super Bowl. Everything sucked that day. I walked home to 55 Norwich worried that someone was going to kick me in the balls and steal all my money. Bad times.

1.) Ravens 34, Giants 7 (2001)
Ugh, this one was worse. Todd is absolutely correct: this is "the one that never happened." The Super Bowl champions for 2001 were a friggin' wild card team that, earlier in the season, set a record by going FIVE CONSECUTIVE GAMES without scoring a touchdown. Their starting wideouts were Qadry Ismail and Brandon Stokely. They spent almost half the season starting Tony Banks. And the Giants were WORSE than them! BY A LOT!!! How the hell did this happen? How did these two teams end up playing in the Super Bowl? What was everyone else doing? The utter and complete shittiness of this game can be summed up by a quick look at the record books:

Most Punts, Game
11 - N.Y. Giants v. Baltimore, Super Bowl XXXV
10 - Baltimore v. N.Y. Giants, Super Bowl XXXV
9 - Dallas v. Baltimore, Super Bowl V

Ugh. Make it Stop.



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