Wednesday, June 01, 2005

The depressing story continues

Well, I’m pretty sure that we at the MWB have yet to speak out on one of the most tragic turns of events in recent memory: Lindsay Lohan’s descent from busty It-girl to waif-like Lara Flynn Boyle impersonator. I don’t even have the heart to link to any pictures of Lohan 2.0 - they’re all over if you look for them, and besides that, it’s just too damn depressing. Oh, fine, just one: I guess this is the kind of thing a massive coke habit will get you.

In further Lohan news, Disney has apparently decided to digitally reduce the newly-blonde non-bombshell’s bosoms in her upcoming "film" "Herbie: Fully Loaded." The folks at Disney say that they made the move in order to "avoid offending family audiences." I don’t understand that at all - I mean, YOU GUYS hired her, and if a chick has a ginormous rack, she’s got a ginormous rack, that’s just the way it is, and I don’t see why the actress herself needs to be digitally edited. The only thing I can think of is that the camerawork in some of the scenes (like the "jumping up and down at the racetrack" one referenced in the press release) must have been slightly, um ... lascivious. Which, let’s face it, is pretty damn understandable, at least with Lohan 1.0. Oh, and a plastic surgery expert has come forward with an opinion that I’ve had for quite some time, ever since LL was "hospitalized" for "exhaustion" shortly after filming on "Herbie" concluded, only to resurface afterward with noticeably smaller breatseses. Here’s what I’m figuring went down: in summer/fall of ‘03, Lohan was a cute little ingenue, but she was a little smallish in the chestal area. Some big work was starting to come her way, and she decided to get the twins enhanced a little bit. But then, as can happen with teenage girls, the yazoombas kept on growing, and they were soon hefty to the point of being outlandish. Which was, admittedly, awesome. But then they were probably a little too unmanageable, and her hospital stay for "exhaustion" was a cover for her implant removal procedure [/conspiracy theory]. And now she looks like a lollipop, with her twig-like body resting a head-sized head atop its jagged shoulders. Just thinking about it makes me want to kill myself.

Oh, and in semi-Lohan-related news, I had a nightmare last night, a principal feature of which was that every single female in my life had inexplicably had sex with Wilmer Valderrama. Every single female I know: my mom, my sister, my girlfriend, girls that I just know from law school, friggin’ everybody. All of them. They were all just kind of casually like "Oh yeah, I’ve totally done Wilmer, too." His pact with Satan has apparently spread into my dreams now. Goodie.


At 2:02 PM, June 01, 2005, Blogger The Diddy said...

that picture!!!! Those don't even look like people!!! Plus, she was just in a car accident with the papa-rotc. Or P and the Z in scooter talk. She survived. Whatever. Let's not forget, the Cuervo is soon...very soon.

At 3:31 PM, June 01, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Single females you know include your mom and girlfriend?
When did this happen?
And can I ask out your mom?

- Nips


At 4:46 PM, June 01, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

You bastard. I didn’t mean "every female I know what is single," I meant "every single female I know," as in "every single one of them." But you knew that. Bastard.

At 4:47 PM, June 01, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

That should say "every female I know THAT (or who) is single." I'm an idiot.

At 4:52 PM, June 01, 2005, Anonymous torgonator said...

Lindsay appears to be lohan body mass. Not a whole lot to (lind)see there.

"Plus, she was just in a car accident with the papa-rotc. Or P and the Z in scooter talk." - What?!? Maybe I'm just out of the "celebrity gossip" loop, but I have no idea what happened in these two sentences.

And Nipsy raises an intriguing possibility... Nips on Di with Evan watching. !! Yet another dream realized with the help of Nips, Jackson, and Wilmer.

Cuervo. WHAT? Cuervo. WHAT? Cuervo? YYYEEEAAH! Cuervo! OKAY!

To the windoooooooowooo, to the Cuervo!


At 9:38 AM, June 02, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jeff on Flamingo with EVERYONE watching!!!!!


- Nips


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