Sunday, December 30, 2007

Alamo Bowl SOC

Welcome boys and boys to 2007 Alamo Bowl. For those of you who just watched the Liberty Bowl, I’m sorry.

A little pre-gaming in the studio: Lou Holtz loves Rick Neuheisel. I think they attended the same dirty coach clinic. Holtz thinks he’s a great recruiter. “Shine here, shine here!” Holtz declares what the recruits should do in his usual cereal-eating old man jubilee.

All right, Holtz and Mark May both are going with Penn St. /Sigh My prediction: Pain. Also, my over/under on number of Paterno pant changes is 1.5.

It’s Paterno’s 500th game. I’m surprised it’s not more. He’s old. In the booth, we have Craig James, Doug Flutie, and Chris Fowler, huzzah. They tell me that the Nitanny Kitties are favored over TAMU. Whatev.

Erin Andrews! Honestly, if she showed some cleavage her career would explode all over her face. And my HD just stopped working…wait for it….and we’re back!

Alamo bowl memories: Nebraska, Nebraska, and Bill Nebraska. Terrific. 13th B10 vs. B12 Alamo bowl and the B10 has a 7-5 lead. At the TAMU pep rally, there were some Faggies that said naughty things. Tisk.

1st Quarter:

Stephen McGee leads out the offense for the 9th straight year. Also, Jorvorskie Lane is fat, but they just call him thunder. The Penn St. D is obviously expecting running plays by TAMU, but TAMU throws on all plays on their series and still goes 3 and out.

MUFF!! And you can’t advance a muff, but PSU recovers.

Out of nowhere Anthony Morelli unleashes a rope. If he keeps that up, I might have to take away his nickname of TonyMo, but I doubt it.

TAMU D-Lineman Cyril Obiozor! He wins name of the game. He is the Obiozors! Expect a big game from him.

Meanwhile a football game is happening and TAMU looks really slow. They’ve got that Big 12 speed. And as I type that Penn St is stuffed on a 3rd and 1 at the TAMU 38. JoePa is going for it. Seriously, he’s in the game. QB sneak from TonyMo and they…… it? Replay….guh? Terrible call, yay! Go Big 10!

Textbook drop by Penn St. on 3rd down. So JoePa attempts a 47 yard FG, and he misses. Cutaway, “ahhh nuts”, exclaims Fowler, and Craig James gives a very southern giggle. For fun.

At a pep rally, JoePa is teaching Penn St fans how to cheer. He’s old. Also, the Giants Pats game is apparently on. I didn’t know. It’s currently 7-0 GEEEEEE-Men. I hate myself.

Fowler just describes the Faggies Tight End (heh) as a “specimen”. I love that term. It sounds dirty, but I can't explain why. Also, the Penn St. LBs are getting swallows up. Yum! And during the chewing process, the Faggies punch it in and JoePa’s D look completely unconcerned with that drive. Faggies 7 Kittes 0

The San Antonio Holmes marketing people are all over the commercials in this game. Remember the Alamo? No? Well, never mind then.

Back to the action. JoePa looks confused. He might just be crapping. A possible fumble on the kickoff by the kitties, and you REALLY notice the heavy crowd for TAMU. They somehow rule it a fumble (Faggies recover), even though I swear I heard a whistle. Review time….it’s upheld. Faggies ball at the PSU 16. Wasting no time they score on the first play as the PSU DLine is the suxors. Somewhere, Cyril is pleased. Faggies 14 Kitties 0

I’m eating an English Muffin and the Faggies just love those penetrating holes. I know it’s early, but it appears the kitties are mailing it in. After looking slow at the start, TAMU is now flying around the field. Turn on the refs mic! And they don’t. Also, Morelli remembers that he’s bad. Faggies force punt and take over at their own 20.

Craig James is rambling about a polecat. Heedly! I’m lost. Meanwhile the 1st quarter is over. Things are not going well.

2nd Quarter

Highly definite! Also, I’m joined by Heather and Scooter for the time being. As Heather begins saying redrum, redrum for no apparent reason. Erin Andrews is wearing a zip-up plaid potato sack for a vest and the kitties cannot stop the Texas play.

The Faggies RB stops in the backfield on 3rd and one for no reason, and a big stop for PSU. Punt and Derrick Williams pulls the very rare and even less effective juke INTO the defender. Fowler tells me that Kinlaw continues to “show a muscle” and I’m turned on.

Now it’s the Faggies D getting swallowed up. There’s a lot of swallowing going on. Jeff? You at the game? Terrible play call on 3rd down and PSU goes for it on 4th and 3 from the TAMU 30. Despite how bad Morelli is, it’s somehow caught for a TD. Replay. Wow! That’s a great catch. But will they review? Yes. This is dicey. I think that’s a catch, but wow. I’m not sure this play could be reversed no matter what was called on the field. Waiting….waiting….waiting…and officials can’t hear the replay booth. Super. We’re back and the call stands! Huzzah. Faggies 14 Kitties 7

Giant lead the Pats 14-10 and I don’t care. Also, Heather knows that DSL is short for Dick Sucking Lips and I’ve never been prouder. This comes up because I declare Brad Pitt’s baby girl has them.

Now it’s TAMU that looks bored with the game. The momentum in this game has been yooge for both teams. Penn St gets a sack despite being held twice and neither were called. Also, someone’s mom looks terrified. Scooter, “FUMBLE!!!!” It is and the kitties recover at they TAMU 11. I bet this is reviewed. It’s not, and I’m wrong again.

Holy cross. Also wasting no time, PSU scores on the first play, but did he fumble at the goalline? Officials say no, no review. I think he made it, but it was close. And we have a game! Faggies 14 Kitties 14

Mmmmmm….cheezy gordida crunch.

Running the option with Joverski Lane is like running it with a tackle. He’s fat. And the official violently calls a penalty on TAMU. He’s….excitable. And it’s 3rd and 22 for TAMU. Punt time and Penn St should get good field position. They don’t. Kitties take over at about their own 25.

Mike Sherman is the new Faggies coach as they continue to try to convince us that they’re a big time program. Listen TAMU, you’re not. Sorry.

Penn St has to punt after doing nothing and I’m getting really bored with this game. I need some terrible announcers or an AFLAC question. Heather inquires about my novel as my head explodes.

Great ass grab by the Penn St coach! We’re all marveling at it. Meanwhile it’s 3rd and 2 for the Faggies. They don’t get it and it’s punt time. I need some Lou Holtz. I feel dirty about it, but I do.

Ahhh yes, Morelli is still awful and all is right with the world. But there’s a pass interference on TAMU. I think the official just feels bad that no pass will get within 10 yards of a kittie receiver. Morelli goes deep again, he’s the sex cannon! He likes throwing high. I think someone else just showed a muscle, but honestly I can’t be sure.

Tipped pass caught by the center! And in case you’re keeping track, it’s his first reception of the season. Get Rece some WATER!!! He’s all choked up back in the studio. Back to the game and Morelli overthrows someone by 15 yards. That’s his 9th over throw of the half. Holding on PSU…and overthrow number 10. I’m officially tracking it now.

Oddly, the kitties run the ball with only 50 sec left in the half and they have to use a timesout. Penn St year in review and Fowler says, “Ohio St was just better than them”. And Penn St fans are furious. I giggle. Oh right, overthrow 11 as they had a wide open TD.

So Penn St keeps using the back up QB to run and it works again, even on 3rd and nine. Why not. 1st and Goal as the spot gets reviewed. Move it back to the seven. Whatev. I feel a Morelli pick on the way.

1st and goal: 4 yard….nope, incomplete. Odd.

2nd and goal: Shovel pass, nothing, timesout PSU

Flutie is concerned that a Faggie’s fiancé is a whore.

3rd and goal: OHHH! That was almost the pick I predicted.

Kitties convert the short FG and take their first lead in the game. Kitties 17 Faggies 14

20 seconds until half. Nothing doing for TAMU on one of the most awkward lateral plays ever and it’s half time. Paterno asks if Matlock if on

Lou Holtz! He’s giggling and honey oozes out of his nose.

3rd Quarter

Heather notices how awful Erin Andrews outfit is, and she’s right. However, I’m just ignoring it and mostly worried that I might be showing a muscle. Meanwhile the kittie band shaves letters in their heads and the mildly retarded Craig James thinks is drawn on. Not to be outdone, the completely retarded TonyMo throws one right into a D lineman’s chest. It’s dropped. I say, at least someone could have caught it. I think that’s an improvement for him.

Faggies take over after a punt and immediately turn it over. Well done. Kitty ball at their own 43 and JoePa takes out 12 overthrow Morelli again. TonyMo comes back in, CHUCK IT!!! Ahhh, the moonball (overthrow #13) into double coverage and it’s picked. TAMU ball at their own 2.

Great moment: they show Morelli’s stats (10 for 24, but don’t show he has 13 overthrows) and mention that he believes he has a future at the next level. Next level of what? I’m concerned. Jorvorski Lane fumbles, TAMU gets lucky and recovers and advances it.

Holy cross! TAMU goes for it on 4th and 1 from their own 40. Craig James thinks it’s a great call. *Sigh* Play action, and….EEEE….he barely got it.

The Faggie RB Goodson is an animated runner. Things are flailing all over the place. The Faggies are going to the Texas play on about 80% of their plays.

TAMU is having a nice drive after taking over at their own 2. I think they Faggies are dangerously close to getting flagged for a celebration penalty.

Flutie and James discuss the wordity of Trickeration.

The TAMU kicker hooks in a 38 yarder to tie it up. Nice drive by the Faggies there. However, still think it was a bad call to go for it on their own 40. Whatev. Kitties 17 Aggies 17

I actually think TAMU has outplayed Penn St. so far, but if TonyMo could even approach competent PSU will pull this one out. You listening Tom Brady? Pull out!

Ok, Josh Beckett is a frumpy tool. I think we can all agree on that. And shit. Kinlaw is hurt. Apparently he showed too much muscle.

The Patriots just scored to go up on a Brady-Moss hookup as they both set record for most TDs in a season on the same play. Yay?

JoePa looks confused.

TonyMo WANTED to overthrow again, but the wideout yanks it down for a big first down. He’s still awful. However, approaching competent is on my radar. And PSU runs the Texas play with QB #17.

JoePa looks tired.

JoePa looks grumpy.

MASSIVE HOLE for a 25 yard TD romp right up the gut. The kitties take a lead near the end of the third quarter. That was a big answer to the nice TAMU drive. Kitties 24 Faggies 17

Feels like the Faggies are due for a turnover. Any more points for the kitties and this one is over. As they’d be forced to throw, which doesn’t work for them.

Craig James has really stepped up his game as a terrible announcer. I’m pumped. Now we’re discussing Brooklyn. Why not. Oh my my MY!! Apparently JoePa de-pantsed a Miami player before the '87 bowl game when they were wearing fatigues. I guess the obvious question is: how did he see him?

4th Quarter

Heather takes off her shoes and her feet reek. Jackson should be jealous.

Craig James thinks TAMU should be happy that they’re losing in the 4th quarter. He’s the gift that keeps on giving. Meanwhile, nice hold by PSU to force a punt. They take over at their own 32.

So my SOC commercial versus game tally has officially become TonyMo overthrows 13 versus the San Antonio Holmes promos (currently at 9) . I’m excited to see who wins. Well, not really.


Nice stop by TAMU to hold PSU to a three and out. PUNT (Teen Girl Squad) MUFFED! And you can’t advance a muff. TAMU recovers at their own 1. James thinks he should have kept fumbling it. Craig is REALLY stepping it up for me. I can't wait to see how much worse he can get.

TAMU holds in the end zone (ahem, in YOUR end zone) but the CUSA refs won’t call it to give the kitties a safety. Instead, Me and Stephen McGee make a nice play to get a first. However, he’s very awful. But, I think McGee knows he’s awful. TonyMo is dangerously awful for the exact opposite reason.

Craig tells me about the hero position. I die a little.

McGee does it again as he gets a corner to bite and complete it up the sideline on 3rd and 11. And Heather falls asleep while scooter eats a hot pocket.

The side judge gets knocked down, possibly for lack of blaccuracy (he's black). I want a replay to see what happened. Ahhhh. Penn St coaches were creeping on the field. Jerks.

Another nice drive by TAMU. Now at the PSU 34 with a 3rd and 3. The kitties are now getting no pressure on McGee. The Patriots go 16-0. Sigh. Oh, they pick up the 1st.

TAMU has a 4th and inches at the PSU 2. I think they have to go. They do. And, they….FALL DOWN! Classic. Kitties take over on downs. I think PSU had the option sniffed out anyway, but text book fall down makes it all the better.

Goddamn this is a long game. 3.5 hours in and still have half a quarter to go. At least the sponsors are happy. Scooter is eating ham.

Kinlaw returns from his rib injury and immediately shows a muscle.

Oh dear. Joblowme Lane is crying. Doesn’t he know who the PSU QB is? This game is far from over. TAMU students make gun gestures. I’m confused.

Heather awakes and begins signing an original song about ice cream. I’m terrified.

There he is! Overthrow 14. I knew TonyMo would make another appearance. Kitties have to punt. 4 minutes left. Jesus. End all ready!

Shovel pass by McGee, dangerously close to being over the line there. No replay, I wanted to see that again. Oddly, TAMU stays committed to run even this late in the game. However, there is plenty of time.

Palm forward holding call on TAMU backs them into a 2nd and 20. McGee then throws to no one in particular and it’s 3rd and 20.

McGee gets crushed after the throw and it’s 4th and 20. TAMU elects to punt with 2:09 to go. Touchback. The kitties need to kill 2 minutes to take home the win.

Kitties pick up a first down and that should just about do it. TAMU take their last timesout with a buck 22 to go. More crying from TAMU players. AND……that’s it. Almost 4 hours and over 2500 words. Congrats to Penn St. on the Alamo Bowl win and to graduating TonyMo. All us buckeye fans sure will miss you.

Final Score: Kitties 24 Faggies 17


Post a Comment

<< Home