Friday, December 21, 2007

OOOOOH, NAVY SEALS!!! .... and Utah

Nipsey here. It’s that time again. Time for more SOCing of terrible, terrible bowl games. And pancakes.

Welcome to the San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bo- oh…
Welcome to College Basketball!! Pittsburgh vs. Duke in the 12 Aeropostles Classic or something…. and we have overtime. Crap.
Bowl season will apparently to wait.

That was nice (sarcasm) of ESPN to show the score in the upper right hand corner…with the way the clock is moving, I’m guessing Navy has the ball.

There’s a Pitt guy screaming like crazy…oh …. that’s why… his knee just did un-knee-like things. Ouch.

Hold on… with the writers’ strike going on, does writing this post make me a scab? Wait… of course not… it won’t count because this post will neither be creative nor entertaining.

Now that the Poinsettia Bowl’s kicked off (supposedly), time to go look at everyone’s picks on Let’s see who forgot to adjust their confidence points this year. For the record, I’m going to lose this year’s Bowl Pick ‘em by a very large margin. Mark it down.

Jay Bilas just said “drive by nelson” and I pictured a guy reaching out of a car strangling innocent bystanders.

Really, when is football starting?

So…did anyone else watch the College Cup final? Seriously, I am sick and fucking tired of losing national championship games. That’s 3 in 2007.

Hey -- we’re on ESPN Classic - pre-empting 334 hours straight of boxing coverage.

Navy’s got it at about Utah’s 10.
Sweet mother of mercy. We’ve got Rece Davis, Mark May, and Lou Holtz in the booth. Huzzah! Honestly, the announcers are the key to any good S.O.C. blog entry.

Fumble! Utah’s got it at their own 2. Rece says turnovers have been the key so far, so I can only assume Utah threw an INT or something.

Rambo commercial. Giggle. Come on everyone - no joke to write here - that’s just funny on its own.

1, 2, 3, 4...Mark May just said Navy’s D is “small, but feisty.”

I apparently haven’t watched any Utah games this year, because I had no idea their QB’s name is Brian Johnson. Come on. That’s so dull EA Sports would have rejected it.

Utah getting 5 yards for like each of the past 10 plays and they’re into Navy territory. Johnson throws deep into double coverage, but overthrows. Take off your Bad Idea Jeans, Brian.

And now Brian Johnson just got to do the offense introductions and called one of his receivers “The Cuban Missile.” I can only guess what they call it when he fumbles in the red zone.

Johnson misses an open receiver by approximately 30 yards, and the Utes punt.

So is there an actual Ute tribe, or were the people in the University’s athletic department who came up with the name just reeeeeally lazy?

Lou is babbling incoherently about some team he coached in the 1830s.

First play for Navy and Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada pitches to the tailback for about a 40 yard gain.

You know I love the option. The quarterback has chance to keep it, pitch it. This time he pitches it for a big gain.

Dammit. I just realized I have to type Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada repeatedly for the rest of the night. Thank goodness for copy and paste.
End of 1st quarter.

Utah’s mascot is ugly… but nothing like TCU’s. That thing took over like 60% of my post the last time I did this.

Navy’s kicker not-so-badly shanks a 50 yard FG attempt.

Rece reminds us that in case anyone forgot, Paul Johnson left for GT and is replaced by Ken Niumatalolo. Fuck. Can’t we have some easier names here, Navy? That’s it. From now on, I’m just gonna call him good ol’ Coach Jones. Heckuva coach that Coach Jones.

Mark May has obviously been practicing saying Coach Jones’s name.

I was about to comment on how Utah was running the ball so well, and then some Navy LB tackled the tailback behind the line of scrimmage with his crotch. A 1 yard gain and the Utes have 3rd and 9. And Utah picks it up with a pass out to the right.
On 1st down, Utah tries a little hook and ladder (I refuse to say lateral) but loses 2 yards. I’ve never seen that.

Rece keeps adding that extra syllable to the word Poinsettia and its pissing me off.

Two more effective runs, and Utah finally scores.

NICE! There’s some commercial using the song Funkytown. I don’t care what it is, I’m buying it. Areva. Um…what the hell is that? That was like the nonsensical commercial for Mr. Plow. But you gotta love Lipps, Inc.

Great play by Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enchilada - fake handoff and a run to the right for the 1st down. In Utah territory. Next play garners a pass interference of the “I’m a DB - I don’t need to turn around and look for the ball” variety.

This time the quarterback pitches it AGAIN for a big gain.

Rece just said something about “tight uniforms being en vogue.”

TD Navy! Rece: “Kaipo on the keeper.” Alliterative!

Duh - just realized that 90% of fans are probably Navy fans with this being in San Diego. Scratch that… 10% are Utah fans, 60% are Navy fans, and 30% thought they were getting tickets to the Holiday Bowl.

Wow, the mascots were just in a dance-off on the deck of an aircraft carrier. Honestly, my dreams are coming true. Bowl season, the holidays, and mascot dance-offs on aircraft carriers. I am a happy Nipsey.

Lou believes he may be of assistance and scores the dance-off a tie. I agree.

The prestige of the San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl has garnered MAC refs.

Rece just calls the QBs for Memphis and Florida Atlantic two of the most unheralded quarterbacks in the country, apparently forgetting that they play for Memphis and Florida Atlantic.

Troy Smith is getting the start on Sunday for Baltimore, somehow jumping ahead of the not-so-prolific Kyle Boller and the corpse of Steve McNair.

I was going to skip the Flomax halftime report, but Jesse Palmer’s going to be involved somehow and I just can’t resist.

Actually, now that I get a good look at him, Coach Jones looks like he’s 13 years old.

Long pass from Kaipo-Noa Kabuki-Enhada goes in and out of the hands of a Ute DB. Navy going for it on 4th and 2 from Utah’s 35ish. 1:01 left in the first half. Timeout.

Giggle. A shot of the 3 guys in the booth, mini Lou Holtz in the middle. Seriously, he’s leaving immediately after the game to go make toys at the North Pole.
Navy gets it on a pitch to the left.

Ooooh. Pass to the end zone from Kaipo-Noa Azubuike-Enhada and the receiver makes a hell of a catch but was out of bounds.

After a completion to the FB, it’s 4th down again. Navy to kick the FG - 39 yards with 32 seconds left. Mark May suddenly goes ballistic about the ability of coaches to call a timeout right before the snap.

Perfect kick. 10-7.

Aflac - Navy is one of 4 schools to have a president and a Super Bowl winning QB. (Jimmy Carter/Staubach) Name the other 3.
I can only think of the obvious one off hand. Seriously, I have no idea where presidents went to school. I thought they were like all Ivy Leaguers.

Huh. Navy fumbled a punt early. Who knew?
Jesse Palmer just said “man-to-man” and I think it moved.
Bill Parcells is out to show that this Tuna is Dolphin-safe! Honestly, I cannot possibly be the first one who came up with that.
I’m torn. My competitive nature is leading me to root for Utah (I need those 10 points, dammit!), but I love watching Navy, and the Middies looked like the better team in the first half, if only slightly.
I wonder if there’s any other big sporting events in San Diego tonight.

Rece asks Mark and Lou what each team needs to do in the 2nd half. Mark May advises Navy to… get this…run the ball. I swear that‘s what he said. You sure you want to switch up that Navy game plan, Mark?

Right at the 2nd half kick, Lou gets excited and starts screaming gibberish. Wow I wish I had an audio clip of that for you. Now Lou is mooing. Things are looking up for the 2nd half. Who knows what Lou got into over the last 20 minutes away from the mic. (If I was a nerd, I would have made a joke about that audio being a “Middie” file… but I’m not… so I won’t.)Lou just said he knows Coach Jones “intimately”, then says something about his wife. Not kidding.

Clips of Rob Stone asking Naval cadets to pronounce Coach Jones’s name. Guess what? THEY CAN’T!!

Elsewhere, Navy’s offense is effective. Thought that needed mentioning. And just as I write that their fullback, Kittaney (Tawney Kitaen?) breaks free for a TD. 17-7. Man, I want to change my picks. I just don’t see how Utah’s getting back into this game unless they just start passing like crazy and effectively. Still tons of time I guess.

Okay, even the faceless announcer is saying Poin-sett-ee-ah. Am I wrong on this thing? Please leave comments on this issue.

Utah gets about 20 yards on a 1st down pass play. There you go, Yoooots. Then they call a timeout before the next snap. Talk about a huge pet peeve of mine. You cannot waste timeouts in the 3rd quarter in a game like this. Utah’s down 10, against a running team…. They’ll probably need like 8 timeouts in this half.
Wow. Utah just lost 8 yards on a 3rd and 2 stretch play. You have got to be kidding me. Utah punts. Again.

Footage of Lou doing his newspaper trick at the Bowl luncheon. Can’t get enough of that. Seriously, I know I’m dense, but how the fuck does he do that?!

Utah gets a 3 & out after stopping a Torgo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada keeper and will get good field position.

Utah finally decides to pass (2 in a row!) and - surprise - is actually getting yards. I’m not sure why it took them so long to do this. Injury timeout.

Okay, either it suddenly started to rain there, or I’m just now noticing it. I’d bet on the latter.

3rd and 1 and Navy blows up a just plain gross inside handoff. Utah going for it…. and gets it. I thought Navy had him. Mark correctly points out that there wasn’t a hole, but the guy was patient.

REVERSE! And Utah just made this a game again! 17-14.

Okay there’s 2 minutes left in the 3rd quarter and they’re still doing the defensive introductions. Some guy from Utah introduced his teammate as “The Freak” --- Tell us about Jevon Kearse, John.

Aflac -Michigan, Stanford, Miami of Ohio.
I knew I heard this question before. It think it was during a Redhawks game.

Navy’s suddenly having trouble moving the ball, and Utah’s got the ball back.
TOUCHDOWN UTAH! Single coverage and a 40 yard TD pass from Brian Johnson.
My jinx of Navy is complete.

We have a winner!! Scooter didn’t adjust his confidence points!!

Navy just fumbled on 2 plays in a row and got it back both times.

Coach Jones has benched Kaipo-Noa Bukkake-Enhada. Didn’t see that coming.

Start of the 4th quarter, and Kaipo-Noa Boubacar Aw’s back in…. and gets smacked. Another 3 and out for the Utah D. I totally caused all of this.
Utah’s bringing in tons of WRs now and passing almost exclusively. Both Mark May and I called on Utah to do this a long time before they actually did. That is not a good sign, Utah coaching staff.

Navy’s defense just doesn’t have any answers for this.

Johnson back to pass (again)… and scrambles like crazy and scores another TD. 28-17 Utah.

And Navy’s in some trouble. Utah’s somehow figured out the triple option, and they may need Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Agbonlahor to throw the ball. (That one’s for you, Jackson).

Navy finally getting a couple 1st downs. There’s still about 11 minutes left, so Navy doesn’t have to freak out just yet, but they need points in the worst way.
Here’s the space in my post where I was going to vent about Donald Washington, but didn’t end up having to:

And scene.

Navy has a pulse!!! Fullback Tawny Kitaen runs up the gut and into Utah’s red zone. Sounds personal.
Sean White, no not the fire extinguisher wielding one, scores on what was a shaky option pitch. And Pai-Gow-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada juuust gets across the line for the 2 pt. conversion. 28-25.

I gotta admit this is probably the best terrible bowl game I’ve ever SOCed. First I though Utah was dead. Then I thought Navy was dead. And now it’s a 3 point game with 8 minutes left.

Oh, and Utah still has 2 timeouts, so I’m an idiot.

Navy should have had an interception in the end zone, but the DB just plain dropped it. Thrown into double coverage.

On 3rd and 4, Brain Johnson’s in a lot of trouble, but spins out of it and gets enough for the first. Utah moves the chains again and its 1st and goal. That dropped INT by the Navy safety is apparently gonna kill them.

Utah’s switching QBs liberally.

Wow. Utah totally pulled a DeSean Jackson but instead of the ball going though the end zone it bounced off the front pylon and shoots out of bounds. I have no idea what the call should be but Lou thinks it should be Navy’s ball at the 20. Refs don’t agree. Utah 4th and goal from the 1ish.
What a great fucking game. 3:40 left. Navy down by 3 and at their own 1.

Suddenly its 4th and 2 for the Middies around their 9. 2:22 left. W/ 2 timeouts, Navy could theoretically punt, but I think they’ll end up going for it.
They do!
And UTAH stops Kaipo-Noa Ruxpin-Enhada and Utah will win the game. A couple plays, later the Utes go up 35-25.

I step away for a second and come out to see Miika-Noa Kiprusoff-Enhada hit a guy for a 60 yard TD.

Longest pass play of the year for Navy. It must be past the Utah secondary’s bed time. 35-32.

Onside kick time.
A Utah guy and a Navy guy both grabbed it but the Navy guy ripped it out first.
Honestly, as far as the kick itself, that may have been the best onside attempt I’ve ever seen.
And Apollo-Anton Kaipo-Ono Kaheaku-Enhada gets a little greedy and throws a pick.

Utah likes pina coladas and escapes. 35-32 final.

Wow. Here’s hoping the rest of the bowl games are as good as this one… and the SOC posts are much, much better.
Happy Hollandaise!!!


At 4:56 PM, December 21, 2007, Blogger Torgonator said...

Great work, Jeff! Immensely entertaining! Love the way you switched up the rotation on Sicbo-throw-up Kabuki-Enchilada's name.

And I agree that the second "i" in Poinsettia should not be pronounced.

At 5:47 PM, December 21, 2007, Blogger Jack said...

AGBONLAHOR!! Thank you, sir.

Yes, I watched the college cup. Immensely frustrating.

I third you guys (sexually) on the pronunciation issue. POYN-SET-TUH.


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