Tuesday, December 18, 2007

VH1 continues to mass-produce nostalgia stew

And I've got a big fucking spoon. Sexually.

Hour one. Hour two:

80. Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy
I honestly don't know what to say about this. I was too young at the time to realize that this was a total joke song, so I don't remember if the general public realized it then either. Hell, I don't know if people realize it now, or even if I'm just completely off-base. No, no, they just showed an old clip of the band, and the singer used the word "ridiculous" to describe it! Commenters are talking about how this song is "dumb." No shit. Right Said Fred is apparently smarter than you. The singer is considering a run for mayor of London in 2008. Get the hell out of here. He'd have my vote if I voted and, you know, cared about stuff. He's too sexy for your cat, people!

79. Meredith Brooks - Bitch
An ironclad rule of pop music: if you can combine mild controversy ("OMG I can't believe she called herself that!") with mind-numbing repetition, odds are better than good that you will have a hit single. Lisa Arch: "It gave you permission to say 'bitch.'" Oh, Jesus. "But mom, it's the title of the song!" Hee hee! PENIS!! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

78. Lenny Kravitz - Are You Gonna Go My Way
I hated this song back then, and I have no idea why. And it's not even that I like it now; I'm pretty damn ambivalent about this tune. But I have absolutely no reason for hating it. The commenters are gushing over this song more than any of the others so far. The Seventh Earl of Mix-a-Lot: "He made it cool for a black man to play guitar again." Oh man, the dudes from Living Colour are gonna be pissed at you, Mix-a-Lot. Total aside: the Hanson kids are showing up on here all the time, and their comments almost always seem insightful. At least they didn't grow up to be Britney Spearseses with wangseses. Kravitz now "runs an interior design business." Also, he wears more scarves at one time than any five hipsters you could find.

77. Ice Cube - It Was a Good Day
Everyone's talking about how this song is telling a story, and not like the way songs usually seem to, but the way, like, "Trapped in a Closet" does. It's literally telling you a story. "I got up. I had breakfast. My ho paged me." Etc. I think we're all waiting for the "Ice Cube's a pimp" message to get displayed on some kind of zeppelin one of these days. Maybe this bowl season we'll get lucky. In the wildest overstatement of the first 75 minutes of these programs, Announcer Lady says Cube has built up a "stellar acting resume." Honey, we all liked "Three Kings," but come on.

Songs that missed the cut!
"104." Foo Fighters - Everlong -- Apparently this is not as "greatest" as "Rico Suave" or Duncan Sheik or that Liz Phair song I've never heard of or that fucking Nelson song. I hope Dave Grohl ass-rapes all of you voters with his enormous hand from this video.

76. Blues Traveler - Runaround
I absolutely understand why this is on here, and I guess I can agree with its placement. But I don't like this song, and I will change the station any time it comes on the radio. It's a personal choice. Vanilla Ice thinks John Popper is an amazing harmonica player. Thanks, 'Nilla. No one has anything interesting to say about this song, so they focus on how Popper used to be morbidly obese and is now just fat.

75. Kris Kross - Jump
He he. The "wearing your clothes backward" trend is such perfect evidence of how much pressure there is on kids to conform. Why the hell would you do this? It didn't look cool. It sure as shit wasn't comfortable. But a couple of goobers on MTV start doing it and pretty soon everyone in the school looks at you funny if you're actually wearing your pants the way they were meant to be worn. The solutions, as I see them, are twofold: 1.) Zubaz pants, or, alternatively, 2.) nudity. "Don't try to compare us to another bad little fad," sang Kris and/or Kross. Such a keen sense of irony for such young boys.

74. Cher - Believe
No no no no no no NO! I refuse to say anything about this piece of shit, except that Cher looks and sounds like a drag queen in this video.

73. Marcy Playground - Sex and Candy
Liz Phair says this was the best song of the 90s. She's fucking crazy. This song topped the modern rock records charts for a record-breaking 18 consecutive weeks back in 1998. I hope you're proud of yourself. Listening to this song again for the first time in ages I am struck by how plain it is. I never really liked it, and now I'm grasping to figure out how the hell it was even popular.

72. Barenaked Ladies - One Week
AKA, The Song That Ruined Barenaked Ladies. There is 100% truth to the rumor that I once made a Ladies CD for someone and titled it, "BNL: the Pre-'Stunt' Glory Years, or: Steven Page Wrote Better Songs When He Was an Alcoholic." But hey, that's hingsight talking. At the time, this song was huge and everywhere and good and I was happy that BNL was getting more popular and I couldn't see the ginormous failure of "Everything to Everyone" on the horizon. Life, as they say, was good.

71. Arrested Development - Tennessee
I like this song way more than I did back when it was popular. Some douche on the show says that it was the kind of rap song you could play at an all-white party and seem kind of hip. Not you, buddy. Not you. The group split in 1996 and "frontman Speech went solo, blowing up big in Japan." Is that a euphamism? Whoa whoa WHOA. In 2003 the group got back together to sue the TV show "Arrested Development" for using their name. Get the FUCK out of here. Apparently it was settled out of court. I fucking hate this song. Fuck you, Speech.

70. Jamiroquai - Virtual Insanity
Great, great song. Funky in a totally new-sounding way. And this was one of those times where MTV helped get a fantastic song out to the public and helped it become popular. Because come on: the video is what did it. Jay Kay dancing around, tiptoeing past seemingly-possessed furniture while he finger-wags the camera ... great stuff. And I love thinking of this song because it reminds me of Cave doing his stupendous impression of the video as we treadmilled our way in and out of every casino in Vegas. In 2007 they played a concert on an airplane to get into the Guiness book. Is there some kind of Jamiroquai support charity I can give to?

69. Korn - Freak on a Leash
I tell you what, I may not like it all, but I can understand the appeal of the vast majority of musical styles. But the whole late-90s rap-metal thing just threw me way off. No thank you. I remember this song being really popular, and I remember hating every second of it. I think this is a textbook example of what Evan's buddy Elliott calls "'daddy touched me' music."

68. Will Smith - Gettin' Jiggy Wit It
If this is on the list and "Summertime" isn't, I'm just gonna-- oh FUCK, they just showed a brief clip of the video for "Summertime"! And they didn't even mention what it was, it was just, just there! Did "Jiggy" really reach higher levels of ubiquity than Smith's vastly superior 1990 tune? America, you have failed again.

67. Deee-Lite - Groove is in the Heart
Oh, FUCK YES. If I had to make a list of my 10 favorite songs of all time, this would ... well, it would be fighting to get in there. It would be in contention. I don't think I've ever seen this song played in a social setting without people singing along and dancing. I hypothesize that it's impossible to refrain from doing these things when you hear "Groove is in the Heart." I don't think there's ever been another song that sounds even remotely like this one. Also: Bootsy! And a brief verse from a super-young Q-Tip thrown into the middle, just to rub everyone's faces in how awesome this tune is! And it's my preferred karaoke song, although my Lady Miss Kier impression could obviously use some work. Also, I'm just noticing that she looked an awful lot like Rachel McAdams ... seriously, I need to stop. Let's move on.

66. Edwin McCain - I'll Be
So I have you to thank for this piece of shit song, EDWIN. I made the mistake of watching two seasons of American Idol in college, and I heard so many caterwaulings of this song that completely butchered a tune that I considered pretty iffy to begin with. Blah.

65. Digital Underground - The Humpty Dance
I'm not sure what can be said about this. Is there anyone who doesn't like this song? Everyone on the TV is gushing about it, and I agree with them. Also, I'm tired.

64. The Presidents of the United States of America - Peaches
Wasn't "Lump" way more popular, or am I crazy? It's a fun song, but I always felt like I liked the personalities of the guys in the band more than I liked their actual songs. Their frontman writes "scores" for porn movies now. There's 2 million jokes to be made there, but I can't get the bat off my shoulder.

63. The Notorious B.I.G. featuring Mase & Puff Daddy - Mo Money Mo Problems
Everything I said about Korn can be applied here and multiplied by 10 for everyone involved, especially Mase. That nasal monotone was pleasing to the ear? Really, people? The one good thing was that this video obviously served as the template for Terrance & Phillip's smash remix of "Shut Your Fucking face, Uncle Fucker."

62. Live - I Alone
I can't talk rationally about Live. I once knew a guy who basically thought that they were the only band worth listening to. That in and of itself is no crime, but when you're too young to drive, and this guy is your ride everywhere, and all he'll fucking play is goddamn "Throwing Copper" when you're in the car, it ... it really fucking wears on you, man. So, I can't even think about this band or this song without breaking into involuntary streams of profanity and defecation. Oops.

61. Sheryl Crow - All I Wanna Do
VH1 tells me that this song made Crow an "instant rock icon." I think that may be an overstatement. It's no "stellar acting resume," but still. Jesus, Sheryl Crow has nine Grammys? I mean, I know they're meaningless, but that's still crazy. Aaaand we get a bunch of tabloid shit about things she's done in the last few years. Babies and global warming and Lance Armstrong. Aaaaaaaand I'm spent.


At 8:21 PM, December 19, 2007, Blogger The Dur said...

So we should start guessing as to who #1 is. Usually Smells Like Teen Spirit lands near the top beacuse it was "important" or something. November Rain should be up there, right? Macarena will then come in and piss on everything. Damn I miss the 90's. I had goals, hope, and health care.

At 11:43 AM, December 29, 2007, Anonymous dmoyer said...

Honestly, I stopped reading when it was revealed that Everlong did not make the cut. There is no justice...everything is topsy-turvy!

At 11:44 AM, December 29, 2007, Anonymous dmoyer said...

Honestly, I stopped reading when it was revealed that Everlong did not make the cut. There is no justice...everything is topsy-turvy!

At 7:34 PM, January 16, 2008, Blogger Torgonator said...

This is the first time I'm reading theBlog.net in a long time and I couldn't be happier that I just saw Elliott's term "daddy touched me music" referenced in my first return visit!

Excellent work on the list analysis, Jack!

At 11:49 PM, January 22, 2008, Blogger Jack said...

Danke, sir.


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