I Hate You
NASCAR sucks. You suck. Go ahead and do an S.O.C. on the friggin' Daytona. You'll just drive our one reader away. While NASCAR is great for hillbillies and for watching things like this and this, it's not great for the normal person, one with an attention span of more than 30 seconds, 2 hits of chewin' tobaccy, or 3 or 4 left turns. NASCAR sucks. You suck. And I hate you.
As for your Segway Sam about studio anal-cysts, I just have to say that Barry Melrose is lame. LAME! Although his classic mullet is certainly quite tasty. Mmm. I'll have some of that with a side of Merton Hanks's neck. The two together form an unstoppable combination!
Okay, onto my list of five:
5.) Charles Barkley - NBA
The Chuckster is funny and makes fun of people and doesn't care who he offends and yeah yeah yeah. The problem is he brings little or no actual analysis to the table. That's why I think he should just get his own talk show, where he just brings up guests and makes fun of them. We could call it "Ground Chuck" or "The Round Mound Hour" or "I May Have Never Won a Title, But I'll Throw You Through a Glass Window if You Piss Me Off." A ratings winner if I've ever seen one. You telling me people would watch "Tilt" instead of that?
(Sidenote - "Tilt" may have won me over. Trust me, I'm as startled by this revelation as you are. I'm actually moderately looking forward to this week's episode. We'll see where this takes us.)
4.) Steve Young - NFL
Tom Jackson's too buddy-buddy with players for my taste. Plus, yes, he laughs at Berman. At least Young has the good sense to sit there half the time with a "you have got to be kidding me" look on his face while Berman, Jackson, and Irvin cackle on about God knows what. Plus I love that Young just has an air about everything he says, like there's a definite sense of "I know my shit" lurking just beneath the surface. Because he does. Know his shit, I mean.
3.) Clark Kellogg - NCAA Basketball
Fantastic studio man. Yes, it's extremely annoying that he never looks at the camera, and there are times when I'd promise to sell my firstborn for a chance to take that fucking pen out of his hand. But the guy's basketball analysis is top-notch. His work is unparalleled. Except by two other guys.
2.) Chris Fowler - NCAA Football
HE'S THIRSTY!!! And he's the sports telecast equivalent of a circus ringleader. He deftly handles everything that comes up, as Corso puts bizarre hats on, Herby throws chips at people, and Rocket Ismail uses the phrase "Know what I'm sayin'" approximately 3.2 times per sentence. And he keeps everything under control. The calm center. The glue. I love him.
1.) Jay Bilas - NCAA Basketball
Yes and yes. The guy knows his shit, and he's articulate enough to explain it so that people who know less about basketball understand what he's saying, yet basketball die-hards don't feel talked down to. His insight is unmatched. Even his stupid gimmicks (like "The Book On" ... do they still do that?) work. Basically, if Jay Bilas is on my T.V., I'm gonna shut up and listen to what he's saying. And chances are, I'm gonna learn something. Or at least say "Yes, that's right," because Jay Bilas agrees with me. Because I'm always right.
On the flip-side: Holy shit, is Rick Majerus brutal as a color man during games. Watching that Kentucky game last night was painful, as Nessler tried to walk Majerus through the basics of in-game discussion. Yowsa.
And do NOT discount that '97 Arizona team. They became the first team in NCAA history to beat 3 1-seeds in the tournament, as they took out #1 all year Kansas (led by Jacque Vaughn, Jared Haase, Paul Pierce, Raef LaFrentz, and Scot Pollard), North Carolina (with Ed Cota, Shammond Williams, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Serge Zwikker, and Ademola Okulaja), and then Kentucky (Ron Mercer, Scott Padgett, Jamaal Magloire, Nazi Mohammed, and Derek Anderson). They were a very VERY good team. Very good. A.J. Bramlett. Bennett Davison. I don't know why I know these things.