Blanket! Blanket, you can FLY!

So, I know it was Dids who promised to keep us all updated on the Trial of the Century - Jacko Edition. But I just read this and it was too damn good to pass up. Apparently the teenage cancer survivor took the stand on Thursday, saying that Jacko masturbated him "at least twice" after nights of "heavy drinking." It bears mentioning that the kid on question was 13 at the time. Anywho, in the article, the kid explains that the first incident happened in February of 2003 after Jacko "foisted wine and hard liquor" on the 13-year old. His description of the event forms the basis for one of the funniest paragraphs I’ve read in quite some time. Just ... just read it:

"Michael started talking to me about masturbation," he said. "He told me that if men don't masturbate they might get to a level where they might rape a girl ... He said that once he was looking over a balcony and he saw a boy who didn't masturbate who had sex with a dog."

Honestly, do you even have to add jokes to that?

I know what you’re thinking: it can’t get any hotter than that. But the article goes on to specify how Jacko tried to spice up the molestation with some play-acting in their second encounter: "the boy said Jackson ‘gave me another little audition, like he was the principal of the school and if a girl said I had done something bad. I was the student who got in trouble.’" Yeah, yeah, and I’ll be the pizza delivery guy, but you don’t have any money...

Further testimony from the child revealed that Jacko often gave him alcohol such as rum, vodka, and, in a delightful little twist, wine concealed in a can of Diet Coke - which Jacko described as "Jesus Juice" - despite, DESPITE the fact that the kid had lost a kidney to cancer and repeatedly told the His Wacko-ness that alcohol was, you know, really bad for him. And then there’s also the pornography and the bribery, standard stuff that we’ve heard before.

But to answer the question I know you’re all asking: no, there was no mention of George Lopez in this article.