Saturday, February 26, 2005

Things I found out in the past 1/2-hour

First of all, guess who's a color commentator on Saturday ESPNPlus Big Ten basketball games? If you guessed Mark Vershaw, sadly, you're wrong. But you're close. That's right, it's the man with the magic hands, runner-up to Douggie Gottlieb for the "Point Guard We Never EVER Want to See Shoot the Ball," Mr. Mike Kelley!! (My favorite part about that link, for those that remember him: look at his position. Stupid Sports Illustrated). Let's hear it for Mike! I got flashbacks to him threading the needle on backdoor passes to Andy Kowske while Kowske rolled to the basket after screening. And then I fainted. (But, just because it's Saturday, I'm including this link. That's right: Mark Vershaw, Jon Bryant, and Carson Cunningham. If I could have found one with those three, plus Brian Cardinal ... well, let's just say I wouldn't share it with YOU people...)

I woke up a few minutes later and checked my mail. As happens on every Saturday afternoon, my Entertainment Weekly came. While persuing, I found out ... okay - whew ... I found ... GUH ... Okay, okay: THERE'S A SPECIAL EDITION DVD OF "HOOSIERS" COMING OUT!! HUH-HAW!! I knew I abstained from buying it for a reason! Just like I ain't buying either of the "Kill Bill" movies, because you just know Tarantino's gonna come out with some big-ass, lavish, extras-laden special edition DVD with the two movies put together. I can be patient. But now "Hoosiers" is here, in all its glory! And it's loaded with extras, such as deleted scenes, so we finally get to see the scene where Buddy re-joins the team, and we get to see a few more scenes featuring the awkward romance between Coach Dale and Myra Fleener! Uh ... yay! Plus, the super-special bonus material: "Hoosier History," a small feature on the real-life 1954 Milan High team, on which the Hickory Huskers were based. Extra-super-special bonus material: THE ENTIRE 1954 STATE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME BETWEEN MILAN AND MUNCIE CENTRAL. I think, I think I'm gonna...



At 5:17 PM, February 27, 2005, Anonymous AlJam4 said...

At first when I heard the news of a Hoosiers Special Edition coming out with THE ENTIRE 1954 STATE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME BETWEEN MILAN AND MUNCIE CENTRAL, I totally creamed my pants in pure delight. However, I have cum (hehe) to realize that I have already purchased the DVD and buying another DVD of the same movie is just bat shit crazy. So, in light of this news, I shall steal it from my brohan, and never return it.

Now, hearing that Mike Kelley has been appointed to be a color commentator on Saturday ESPNPlus Big Ten basketball games is awesome, nay, DAWESOME(as in, Dawson's Creek is Dawsome), but why aren't other classic Big Ten players of yore color commentators? Personally, I would like to see true color commentators such as Charlie Bell, Dean Oliver, or even Jake Jaacks. You've got to give some love to the Iowa connection, bitches.

At 5:51 PM, February 27, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

All right, firstly, that was the first AND LAST Dawson's Creek reference that's ever gonna be made on here. Oh shit, I just made another one, didn't I? Okay then, that's it. We're cut off from here on out. No more.

Secondly, I'll be damned if you're gonna steal it from me. Despite the copious opportunities I had, I never stole your "Grosse Pointe Blank" tape. And furthermore, I refuse to be referred to as Lindsay "Brohan." If I can't get any of that boobage, I ain't willing to be likened to her. No way, no how.

Thirdly, if Jacob Jaacks, Dean Oliver, and Charlie Bell count as "players of yore," then Dids and I are ridiculously old. I refuse to accept it, and I have a feeling Dids will agree with me (for once). If we're gonna talk Big Ten "players of yore," can we at least be talking Eric Snow, Brad Miller, Cuonzo Martin, Michael Finley, Jimmy Jackson, or Ricky Davis? One of those names is not like the other...[/singing]

Tim Brando just said during the Maryland/NC game "I know a lot of people out there don't understand Gary Williams's flex offense - could you explain it for us?" And then his color man couldn't! And then I started stabbing pencils into my ears. You try telling me that Mike Kelley wouldn't be able to give an in-depth tutorial on the friggin' flex! Ugh.

Anywho, fourthly: Oliver, Bell, and Jaacks aren't around doing color commentary mostly because they either aren't qualified or don't want to. Plus, Jaacks was so hideously ugly that, were he ever to appear on national television in a static two-shot, I postulate that 73.7 percent of all American households who are tuned in to that particular channel at that particular time would immediately commit seppuku. You might be one of them. Just think about that...

At 11:22 AM, February 28, 2005, Anonymous AlJam4 said...

Firstly, you and "the Did" are freakin' old. I was merely speaking my opinion because I personally like Jaacks, Bell, and Oliver. And what the hell are you talking about when you say that Jaacks is inexplicitly ugly when you yourself gave a link to Mark "Horse" Vershaw? You know, Vershaaaawww.

Now, what the hell is up with a color commentator of college basketball not knowing what the GOD DAMN FLEX OFFENSE IS? How the hell did this man get the job? Is there a clause in Affirmative Action that would let retards, sorry, folks of a mental disability, be allowed to work in a job that they are not really even qualified for? I suppose this can be true for senior citizens who have legitimately made their way to the commentator elite (*cough, Dick Vitale, *cough, Vern Lundquist, *cough)

Finally, I will be damned if my references to Dawson's Creek be nullified. I sort of feel like Pacey when he was in the Miss Windjammer competition, but is screwed over by the judges because of Katie Holmes' incredibly horrible rendition of "I Love Him", where her lazy eyes, shaky head, and side-mouth-taking wins her a sizable amount of money. Just the thought of her twitching to victory is an inspiration to us all. I'm outty. (Ha! I actually posted 2 comments)

At 3:14 PM, February 28, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How can you have a discussion about old Big Ten players that need a job and not include Acie Earl?

- Acie Earl

At 4:59 PM, February 28, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

Oh my holy God. I am not even joking - I had "Acie Earl" written in there, literally, and then figured that was just a little too old for the group of guys I had included. That's scary.

Or it was just Todd responding, in which case, I mean, our fascination with Acie Earl had to show up here eventually, and it might as well happen in the comments section. But if so, wouldn't he have done it under his own name, and not "Anonymous"? Who is a soul brother in Acie Earl love? Reveal yourself!

At 5:06 PM, February 28, 2005, Blogger The Diddy said...

I'm ashamed I didn't make an acie earl comment. Acie-ducey was the man. I'm crying now.

At 5:40 PM, February 28, 2005, Anonymous jack fu's little lady said...

Now that Jamie Foxx has become an Academy Award winner, will Booty Call need to be released in a special edition?
I only posted because Jackson said he was going to steal my bit.

At 8:27 AM, March 01, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, seriously. It's me... Acie Earl.

- Acie Earl

At 9:06 AM, March 01, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

A.) Now I'm just frustrated. WHO ARE YOU??? WHO IS CLAIMING TO BE ACIE EARL??

B.) Kristin's bit, which I was certainly going to steal, was "So are they gonna have to edit the cover of the 'Booty Call' DVD so that it says 'Academy Award-winner Jamie Foxx' on it?" Come on. We were all thinking it.

At 9:48 AM, March 01, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The one with the Acie Oral fixation, I mean the Acie Earl fixation is none other than I, Nipsey. I'm surprised you had to ask.

- The Nips

At 11:34 AM, March 01, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

Ahh, Nips.'s love for you knows no bounds.


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