Friday, February 25, 2005

The MWB - Now With 100% Fewer Greg Louganis Pictures!

You know, Dids, if the ridiculously non-pointed barbs of your last post constitute "what we do best" on this site, then I say we just pack it in right now and give up. Seriously. You couldn’t be any less funny if you were torturing small children - as opposed to torturing adults, which is what you do every time you post one of your abortions onto this blog for all to read.

Aside from being painfully unfunny, you also happen to be just plain wrong. Suzy Kolber, while far from being Jessica Alba, is no Shelley Smith, either. She’s cute. She’s not a goddess, but she’s quirkily attractive. As a bonus, she knows sports, putting her miles ahead of you. You act like it is so unreasonable for me to feel this way. But I submit to you this, exhibiting comments such as "cute and perky and classy," "hot without trying ... great eyes, the hair 'bob' and a flashy smile," and "she has to be the ultimate dream date for any football fan." Joe Namath and I are clearly not the only ones on board the Suzy Train. Now, we all know that you only do this "Suzy Kolber is a man" crap to annoy me. If you were funny - which you’re not (see first paragraph) - that material might make a worthwhile post. As it stands, an extraordinarily lame Greg Louganis comparison just doesn’t cut it.

However, on the subject of female sideline reporters, if we’re just gonna say "knowledge isn’t quite that important," (because if we were saying "knowledge be damned," I’d say let’s just go back to Lisa Guererro and her beautiful bosoms) you can’t do much better than Erin Andrews, who did last night’s MSU/Wisconsin game. Good lord. And although she isn’t a sideline reporter (she’s currently a field reporter for SportsCenter, and writes an occasional lame column on, I’m also a big fan of Rachel Nichols. Sadly, there are approximately zero pictures of her available on the internet. Suffice it to say that knowledgeable reporter + hot redhead = YAY!

In actual sports-related discussion, the NBA trade deadline came and went, and a flurry of activity took place. Webber to the Sixers, Teen Wolf to the Warriors, Van Horn to the Mavericks. But my favorite move has to be Boston re-acquiring Antoine Walker. Less than two years after GM Danny Ainge, a man noted to be "an outspoken critic of the forward's poor shot selection and style of play," shipped Walker off to the Mavs, Ainge has now engineered ‘Toine’s return to the City of Whining Assholes. I am eagerly waiting for hilarity to ensue.


At 4:07 PM, February 25, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alright, I think this whole discussion needs a little organizing. So without further ado, I give you Nipples's's Semi-sexist Rundown of Sideline Bitches (Okay, maybe it's a little more than semi-sexist).

I'm gonna leave the Tafoyas and Vissers out of this. Seasoned vets. Nothing interesting to say really.

Alex Flanagan - Most annoying sideline reporter ever. I just can't get past her voice. It sounds like a kitten in a blender. Scary Carly Simon-esque mouth doesn't help.

Holly Rowe - I refuse to say anything bad about a woman that looks like the stereotype of your best friend's mom. I swear I keep expecting her to have juice boxes and orange wedges for the guys on the sideline. And most importantly, I love Holly's fuzzy pink hat. And no, that's not a euphemism.

Shelley Smith - Could be a little high on the Frump Factor (isn't that hosted by Joe Rogan?), but she hides it well. I don't really think of her as a sideline reporter anymore, though, after she basically just lived in Boulder for the Kobe trial. Speaking of the Kobe trial, that whole thing gave her the green light to talk waaaay dirtier than the rest of the gals on this list. That helped.

Suzy Kolber - Honestly, I'm somewhere in the middle here. I don't find her nearly as attractive as Fu does. But, I'm not entirely convinced she has a penis. It's totally possible though.

Melissa Stark - Called it quits in her prime, just like Jim Brown and Barry Sanders. Melissa now occupies the halls of milfdom. Kudos.

Vladimir, I mean...Lisa Guerrero - Just never did it for me. Never. I can't really explain why, so don't ask.

Erin Andrews - This girl's got what it takes. Arguably, the perfect sideline reporter. Here's why: serious, intelligent, and damn attractive, BUT, and this is important, not so attractive that I get distracted and take my mind off the game. The same can't be said about the following 2 gals....

Rachel Nichols - Again, she doesn't exactly count in this discussion since she's not a sideline reporter, but since Fu brought her up, I am in agreement that she's cookin' with gas. Let's hope we see some more of her.

And then of course, there's....

The Almighty Goddess and Queen of Sideline Reporting (and future Mrs. Maynard)

Bonnie Bernstein - Great voice, insight, and delivery. Oh, and she's fine like china. Honestly, can anyone think of anything bad to say about her? Cause if you do, I'll hunt you down and make you eat your own testacles. I'm still pissed at Roy Williams for defiling her precious ears with such filthy language. Even more enraging was when Bonnie hosted a panel discussion on the Super Bowl on Spike TV a couple of days before the game this year. The panel consisted of Tony Gonzalez, Artie Lange, Mike O'Malley, and Shannon Sharpe. It was a massive train wreck of Amtrak proportions, but not at all Bonnie's fault, of course. (On the plus side, since it was Spike TV, she was wearing a little less than usual.) I felt so bad for her. I just wanted to swing in on a vine and rescue her from the debacle that was unfolding. Just thinking about those 4 acting like jackasses in front of sweet, dear Bonnie makes me ashamed of my own gender. Good thing Todd put up that picture of the gay viking for me. That restores my faith in and love for the male sex.

At 11:30 PM, February 27, 2005, Anonymous torgs said...

I've gotta back up Todd in his post. Because, I mean... Suzy Kolber is a man. I'm surprised this is even a debatable point. Now I'm not saying that he's a particularly unattractive man, but he's all man. And it doesn't help that he's got such a (Austin) manly voice.

So let's just all agree that Jack is jonesin' for a manly Suzy Kolber and move on with our lives.

...At least until we want to make fun of him again.

At 1:32 PM, February 28, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

I can't fault Nips for his analysis, so I can't really add much. I mean, I don't find Suzy Kolber "hot" per se, but she IS attractive. At least Nipples acknowledges the possibility. Unlike Torgodoucher.

Alex Flanagan scares me with her enormous arms. I feel like she would beat the shit out of me, have her way with me, and then not bother to cuddle me and make me feel safe afterward. And what good are big, bulging muscles if the person isn't willing to do that? I ask you!

(Oh, and bonus points on the "scary Carly Simon-esque mouth")

Shelley Smith hides her frumpitude like Nips hides his homosexual tendencies. As in, not at all. Bitch is ugly.

Lisa Guererro was (and is) smoking hot. I don't know what your problem is.

I saw Erin Sndrews again on ESPN the other night, and I tell you ... those pictures I posted of her do not do her justice.

And Bonnie Bernstein ... she's all right. I have no rational explanation, but she just doesn't do much for me. Much. Sorry.

At 12:11 AM, March 01, 2005, Anonymous torgodoucher said...

I'm gonna ride the (snake!) fence here and irriate two people.

I find neither Lisa-Vlad Guerrero nor Bonnie-Leonard Bernstein all THAT hot. Yeah, they're attractive, but there's really no "WOW" factor for me.

And hey, even I acknowledged that Suzy Kolber isn't bad looking for a man. I mean, I don't really find anything to be interested in, but then again I like women... sometimes.

At 9:08 AM, March 01, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

See? Evan is now making regular comments on, and the quality here just went up by approximately 22.74%. Just like that. Wait 'til you see this ... watch this right here ... BAM! Just like that.


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