Thursday, July 28, 2005

An Ode to Nipples

Many thought it was impossible. Even more thought I was crazy. They'd say to me, "Evan, I think that's impossible. Even more, I think you're crazy." And my response to these critics? "You may be right. I may be crazy. But I just might be that lunatic you're looking for." And then I'd head straight out and destroy thousands of dollars of private property in a drunk-driving stupor.

In a bold and daring move I will attempt to complete a feat (alex) which no mortal has ever completed and lived to tell about it. Many have tried, all have failed. But tonight will be no different! I mean it WILL be different! *insert your favorite triumph music here - my favorite would be Copland's Fanfare for the Common Man which conveniently played as my Risk(TM) victory over Phil, Sean, and Jeff came to a close* Tonight, I will attempt to create a list of...


And if the list isn't to your liking, you can suck it dry. Also, this is my first post on v2.0 - so chill.

My list may or may not be ordered - I shall decide later. This may be a shock, given that I recently proclaimed my proclivity (nice alliteration there, me) for ordered lists. However, I haven't decided yet if it will even be possible to rank my favorite Jeff moments. That's gotta be like someone asking you to pick your favorite kid *insert your favorite inappropriate joke here*. I'm sure there will be plenty of ones that I've forgotten over the 6.5 years that I've known the Nipster - please feel free to share any that have been missed.

So without freddy ado...

  1. Once again, it's Manos: The Hands of Fate - I started to get to know Jeff (in the biblical way) in the Spring of '99. One of the first times, if not the very first time, that we hung out was watching MST3K covering Manos: The Hands of Fate with a group of me, Brian Revis, Jeff, Todd, Jackson and perhaps some other people in my dorm room on Taylor 8. I remember laughing my ass off (LMAOSMTIHTYAYIA! Who gets it? Todd does.) at Jeff as he frequently his head between his hands as though his hands were a vice and screamed "God, it hurts! When does this END?!?" And then threatening to leave. We, being the good friends we are, refused him that luxury. This may not be the funniest Jeff moment, but it sticks out since he had me rolling and it was the first time I had really hung out with him.
  2. Crunch & Munch - I wasn't even there but give me a couple more years of hearing this story and I'll think I was. Everyone knows the story already, so I'll just provide a brief summary. Jeff is drunk. Jeff eats Crunch & Munch. Jeff drops Crunch & Munch. Jeff is notified of the presence of Crunch & Munch on the ground. Jeff leans over to pick it up, wins the race and falls down.
  3. Over the Shoulder Lederhosen - Halloween party at Jackson and Todd's - Jeff shows up in germanesque garb; we make love for the first time. Incidentally, the most important phrase of the evening was clearly "one size fits most".
  4. Purdue Trip 2002 - First weekend of many together, in my mini-van on the way to the West Lafayette of Indiana, it is discovered that Jeff's nipples are really mana from the heavens. Thus begins The Countdown: "3... 2... 1... NIPPLES!". Coincidentally making fun of Todd and Scott as they had to drive the women around was one of my favorite themes from that weekend.
  5. New Year's Eve 2003: The Grand Deception - There are so many reasons to love that evening, and for that I "thank you". However, there were two Jefftastic moments that evening. The first one happened about about 2 hours after we arrived and began drinking aggressively: "Oh yeah, by the way, that's Bud Ice... not Bud Light." This is part of why I love Jeff.
  6. New Year's Eve 2003: Coolest Guy in a Unitard - Right after the stroke of (my schlong) midnight, ABC cut back to Dick Clark's trusty sidekick that evening - a man who I recognized but had no idea was involved in the evening's broadcast. Literally 1 second into the new year, my first words were, "Hey, is that A.C. Slater?!?", and Jeff is the only one who heard it. That line has had special meaning to us ever since.
  7. Can a Brother Get a Table Dance? - 2002 National Championship game: OSU wins and Jeff ends up on my coffee table, only really wearing a sombrero and underwear. I would soon learn to expect this from Jeff.
  8. Tom Servo's Rant after Cave Dwellers - Todd, Jeff, and I watched MST3K's coverage of Cave Dwellers in Todd's basement in his apartment off of Bethel Road. At the end of the movie, Tom Servo went on a rant about glaring faults in the movie which concluded with "HE'S WEARING RAY-BANS!!!", which was definitely one of the single funniest things I've ever seen on MST3K, but not nearly as funny as Jeff's reaction. This line struck a nerve with Jeff and it took all of about 3 seconds for Jeff to fall onto the floor laughing so hard he had tears flowing. I think if we broadcast Jeff laughing hysterically to the world that we would discover world peace.
  9. Imitation is the Highest Form of Flattery - Jeff's vocal rendition of a particular Todd fart - "Honk!". The written word can't capture the emotion, but this was a fantastic effort on Jeff's part.
  10. Meier's Golden Rum: Part I - In our second trip up to Detroit, land of the Red Wings (the Yankees of the NHL), Sean, Jeff, and I smuggled Todd into the Moyer residence with the stealthiness of a ninja. There were quite a few great Jeff moments during this trip. One of these moments was after we stopped at a Taco Bell near Toledo for dinner. Jeff had been drinking a rum and coke the entire way on the trip, and Todd and Sean had no idea. After Taco Bell, he needed to refill his rum and coke so he restocked his cup in the trunk while Todd watched Sean get hit on by some lady in the parking spot next to us. It was my job to shield his progress from the discerning eyes of Sean's lady friend. Coincidentally, Todd and Sean had no idea that Jeff had been drinking until we were almost finished with the trip. Also, the best part about this stop was Todd pseudo-discreetly telling Sean to "Get her number..." as Sean is trying to order his food from the 16-year-old girl at the register.
  11. If I Could Only Get Closer... - Another great moment from this trip was when Todd farted in the Moyer living room and Jeff attacked Todd's ass with his nose to fully appreciate the broken wind. No honks involved this time.
  12. Meier's Golden Rum: Part II - Later that evening, Jeff was feeling a little drunk and a little frisky. He proceeded to strip down to his underwear (as he is often wont to do in these situations), stuff a bottle of his trusty Meier's Golden Rum into the elastic waistband of his tighty-whities, then climb over Sean in Sean's bed and stand stradled over him, pose like a Greek statue, and then ride Sean like it was his job. He even whipped Sean with his leather belt a few times for good measure.
  13. Meier's Golden Rum: Part III? - I believe this moment occurred the next time we all drove up to Michigan, this time to surprise Jackson for his birthday in Monroe. Shortly before we departed from Columbus from Runaway Bay, Jeff disappeared momentarily near the parking lot. When he reappeared he had a silly grin on his face and a wet spot the size of Montana on his shorts. When questioned, it had been revealed that he had taken a not-so-private moment behind a bush to relieve himself of some unwanted liquid. Bear in mind that this was in broad daylight, and Runaway Bay sees a lot of car and foot traffic. We're still not sure how the physics worked on the appearance of the wet spot, but it's probably better that way.
  14. Cuervo 2004: Teed Off - Another story everyone knows, but the gismt of it is that Jeff got annihilated on tequila and managed to fall over in slow motion as he attempted to put his tee into the ground.
  15. Cuervo 2004: Cart Blanche - Another story etched in legend - Phil and Jeff were impressively able to topple a cart in their drunken stupors, causing their clubs to fly out of their bags. Not only did they manage all that, but they were so lost in respect to losing their clubs that they drove all the way back to where Jackson, Sean, and I were teeing off to ask us if we had found their clubs. Amazing.
  16. Kenerktin Sucks - Jeff and I decided to visit Todd in Kenerktin one weekend since we knew Todd was bored out of his mind. There was a lot of drinking involved Saturday night at Josh and Jodie's. Jeff ended up on all fours (as usual) and chased Brutus around the house for what would seem like a long time until you realize it's Jeff. On the way back, he rolled down his window and threw up on the side of the car - quietly enough that we didn't even realize he had done it at first. Once we got home we gave him some water and tried to give him some food and he just puked his guts out in the kitchen sink. When all was said and done, Todd tried to help Jeff out by offering a Listerine Pocket Pack (rocket rocket) strip. This resulted in an epic struggle to get a Listerine strip into Jeff's mouth - the likes of which I'm certain have never been seen before. After finally getting the strip into his mouth, it didn't sit well with him and he immediately threw up again. After this latest round, Jeff was amazed at what he had found... "Hey, there's the Pocket Pack!"
I guess this list ended up more or less ordered chronologically. It's a bit more verbose than I was expecting, but I think Jeff deserves a list with some real effort put into it. I'm sure there are plenty of great ones I missed, but these are the ones that jumped out at me and grabbed my junk.

To Jeff I say this: Huzzah! So long, and thanks for all the fish.


At 10:20 AM, July 29, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

Torgs, that was certainly ambitious, and you pulled it off with flying colors. The needs more hot Evan action, I don’t think there’s any question. My only problem with the glorious list is the lack of any Flaming-O, but it’s a minor quabble anyways. Also, it did exactly what I was afraid it would do: I hated myself for not being there for some of the moments, and I felt ashamed that I didn’t think of some that I was there for. But more than that, I became giddy at remembering them. The triumphant music was well deserved. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

At 10:37 AM, July 29, 2005, Blogger Torgonator said...

It is absolutely shameful that I forgot to mention the best Jeff moment of Cuervo 2005 - the Papa John girls hitting on Jeff while people bought beer from the gas station next door. The specific progression of events that started this whole thing is a bit hazy since I had downed something like 26 shots of tequila that day, but I think it started like this...

I'm guessing Jeff ended up shirtless at some point while we waited outside the car in front of Papa John's. (I know it's strange to envision Jeff taking off his shirt, but bare with me here.) One of the girls behind the Papa John's counter had watched the show and melted instantly. She immediately ran over to one of her co-workers to tell her her about it, all the while her eyes were understandably fixed on Jeff's mid-section.

The girls approached the window at the front of the store together to get a closer look. Realizing we now had an audience we convinced Jeff to entertain the girls again and Jeff worked it. By this time I'm hanging out the car trying to convince the girls that they should come out to say hello to Jeff in person. The girls come out to say hello and request Jeff for another show - "SHOW US YOUR ABS! JUST DO IT! SHOW US YOUR ABS!", a line which, thanks to Al, now lives in all of our hearts.

Jeff had a look on his face which was equal parts "This is pretty pimp" and "This is creepy" and "These aren't little Japanese boys". And, really, who can blame him. But Jeff, being the nice guy he is, obliged them and probably changed their lives forever. In my head, the girls not only watched but also touched his abs... but that might just be because I want that to be part of the story. And most of my dreams involve touching Jeff's mid-section.

My favorite part of this whole thing was the awkward conclusion - because you know I love awkwardness. After taking the girls to the gun show there was a pause and everyone kinda looked at each other like, "Well, gosh, that was fun... now what?" After another pause the girls just walked back inside and we ran around and yelled like morons. Of course we had to honk our car horn and holler at the girls as our car pulled out, because that's the only way you can leave a situation like that.


At 4:27 PM, July 29, 2005, Blogger Nipsey said...

I mean...

I honestly don't know what to say.

At 3:31 PM, July 30, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

Oh, and it bears mentioning that the phrase Phil uttered was "Jeff's nipples in 3, 2, 1," followed by him twisting Jeff's nipples and Jeff shouting "Those are mine!" Ahh, Purdue.

At 12:53 PM, August 02, 2005, Blogger Nipsey said...

Okay, I kinda felt compelled to comment on Torg's list since it was about me and all. Anyway, here's are my views and some supplemental material for the events on the list.

1. Once again...Manos
A couple things: I may have threatened to, but I was never serious about walking out. I knew the reward would be too great. That said, I swear it seemed like I was in a hell of a lot more pain than anyone else in that room.

2. Uhh..... Don't remember this at all. I mean seriously, absolutely none of it. What I do remember is waking up with a hell of a lot of puke in my underwear and a hickey that we concluded Chris Wakefield probably gave me after I had passed out.

3. Todd's enchantress costume needs to make another appearance. And I don't mean at Halloween. I'm talking about Buckeyes-Longhorns weekend, if not sooner. Anyway, "Lederhosen" used to be my nickname. That moniker was less confusing and a lot less sexual than my current one.

4. Okay, Jack brought up the timeless utterance, "Those are mine!" So here's how I remember it: From the moment we met @ Evan's to drive to Purdue, Phil was relentlessly grabbing my nipples in the aforementioned "Jeff's nipples in 3, 2, 1" format.
I barely knew Phil before this trip, so I found it a little odd, but played along as he did this like 15 times before we even made it to the whole Dr. Fudge fiasco. (Also, I'd like to point out that we were totally in the cool car.) Anyway, later that night, after we'd finally gotten to West Laf (the Indiana version), Phil continued to do the ol' nipple grab RELENTLESSLY. I knew what I had to do. I snuck up behind Mr. Turk, quickly blurted out the phrase, "Phil's nipples in 3-2-1" and grabbed away. Phil was shocked. As if never considering the possibility that someone might grab HIS nipples, he screamed, "Those are mine!" And that's how the phrase was born. Also, on a related note, I can only assume that that weekend and the above turn of events in particular played a large part in someone dubbing me "Nipples". Because you know, I was never quite clear on that.

5. Actually, no one asked me what we were drinking until like 3 hours after you showed up and when someone did, everyone was shocked that it was Icehouse. Drunken hilarity ensued.

6. Torgs hit the nail on the head. One of my favorite New Year's memories of all time. What a way to start off a new year. And Evan made it happen. But still immensely pissed a/b missing the Greatest Scooter Moment Of All Time (Can you think of a better one?), especially since it happened about 5 feet away from me in my own living room.

7. 2003 Fiesta Bowl - Once again, and for the record, JACKSON took my pants off. Not me.
Wow. So many great memories from that night. Flat Rock Ice Tea. The Peanut Gallery. The Silent Group Hand Job to Cave over the phone. Me biting Phil. Oh, and the game was pretty good too.

8. Ray-Bans. Wow. I think it was actually Crow who did the rant, but it hardly matters. A bad movie at its finest. Or should I say worst?

9. Honk

10. Great memory, but Todd locking the door was the high point of the greatest trip to Taco Bell ever.

11. Ah yes. Fart appreciation. An old Jeff standby. I usually just grab farts and put them in my pocket (I like to save 'em for later), but this one called for some immediate attention. And yes, I am over 10 years old.

12. This story is nothing without the picture of me with the rum bottle (with like an 8 inch diameter) in my undies. And don't forget that I asked the question "Got any rum?" like 40 times. Wasn't this the Bob Dole truck night?

13. Okay, let me set the record straight here. I slammed a couple beers before we embarked and my bladder sucks. So I went to relieve myself in next to a Runaway Bay shrubbery (a shrubbery?!) Did I get urine all over my pants in this incident. Well...yes. Do I know how? Absolutely not. My guess is I either had a split-stream thing going on or I got some bounce back from the bush. It remains a mystery.

14. I actually remember this. This was right before all hell broke loose.

15. Believe it or not, me losing my clubs and Phil tipping the cart (he was driving - it was all his fault) were entirely separate incidents. That's just how drunk we were.

16. Apart from the admittedly golden line "Hey, there it is!", remember that I also asked aloud, "What did Josh put in that drink?" about 40 times, knowing full well that the answer to my question was "liquor and lots of it".

At 3:39 PM, August 02, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

My comments where applicable:

1. Yes, my most lasting memory of the First Manos Watching is of Jeff flipping out during the painfully long “driving montage (montage!)” at the beginning. “Once again ... Manos-“ ”The hands of fate?” “Yes.”

2. The best part of the Crunch ‘N Munch incident was that Todd had NEVER met Jeff before. This was super-early in Winter quarter, when I was probably still “the guy with the hair” to all the West-Wingers. Anywho, what an introduction. I’m pretty sure we were plastered on Rolling Rock and Goldschlager that night (or, at least, I was), so Jeff’s behavior was somewhat understandable (and, indeed, encouraged).

3. Ah, “one size fits most.” I love that the costume wasn’t of a “witch” or anything, but an “enchantress.” And the Labatt Blue boxers really tied the whole outfit together, did they not? Incidentally, I think I was a bigger fan of Jeff as Baby New Year than as Lederhosen Man. But that’s just me.

4. God dammit, as soon as I typed that response, I was like “Wait a minute, maybe Phil was the one who shouted ‘those are mine’ when Jeff counter-attacked him?” I feel ashamed that I misattributed that.

5. Jeff, your lack of disclosure was a wonderful thing there. I think it’s your penchant for picking the big moments in which to work your magic that I love most.

6. Ooh, the greatest Scooter moment of all-time: “Thank you.” I hate myself to this day for leaving that party before that moment, the unequivocal apex of the evening. Dammit.

7. As Gerhard Reinke said, “Guilty as charged.” Although I would also like it stated on the record that it takes VERY LITTLE encouragement in order to get Jeff’s pants off of him. Yes, that is a good thing.

12. Yes, that was Bob Dole Truck Night.

Once again, Nips, I salute you.

At 4:18 PM, August 02, 2005, Blogger Torgonator said...

4.) I'm glad we got this all worked out. See, this is why it helps to bring this shit up.

12.) Actually, no, that was not Bob Dole Truck Night (sounds like a promotional event for the Cleveland Indians... at least it should be). I know this because Phil was there for Bob Dole Truck Night - Nipsey and Phil were sleeping in Ashleigh's room and sent the truck in to scare us or arouse us or something. Whatever the reason, it was fantastic.

But Phil was not there for Nipsey Drunk With a Bottle of Meier's Golden Rum Night (NDWABOMGRN). That was just Dids, Cave, Torgs, and Nipsey - the same night we smuggled Todd into Jack's house, even though Jackson was not at all surprised.

Now that's not to say that Bob Dole Truck didn't make an appearance still, but this was not his first cameo.

At 4:22 PM, August 02, 2005, Blogger Torgonator said...

12.) I should have specified... Nipsey Drunk With a Bottle of Meier's Golden Rum in His Underwear Night (NDWABOMGRIHN). There have been too many nights with Jeff drunk on Meier's Golden Rum for my previous acronym to have been much help. I would totally love to post a picture of Nipsey with the bottle in his underwear but I wouldn't do that to him.


Post a Comment

<< Home