Monday, July 16, 2007

No thank you

Nothing to do tonight so I thought, why not try and watch the ESPY's? I like LeBron enough to see how it will go. Sure, why not?

I made it about 11 seconds into the intro before it hit me...Why would I want to relive the last year in sports? Why I don't just watch footage of all my ex-girlfriends screw guys I hate instead? I can't even watch those Gatorade commercials where they talk about the creation of Gatorade back in the 60's. Part of it is because they actually think we believe it's old footage of a "scientist" saying Of course we called it Gator-ADE. Whoa did you hear that everyone? It must be real footage because he put the accent on the wrong syllable. That silly scientist didn't know any better back then. And as I clench my fists, they switch to the more recent footage. (Some day I'll get over all this, I promise)

So instead tonight I defeated level 2 of the greatest video game of all time because that's the most up to date system I own. I love those RPG's too because the translating in them is so awful. They make a game that takes hours to beat, fit it into a small cartridge and then eff up every important sentence.

So back to sports...How about the Columbus Destroyers following suit? I watched there last game and bits of the others. Now Rob, how could you possibly be emotionally invested in Arena League? It's not like you helped bring that team to Columbus or have a ridiculous story claiming you did just because there's nothing else to write about this summer.

Yes my friends...Once upon a time I worked in the corporate world...before I turned into this famous blogger typing away in his studio apartment, knee deep in empty water bottles listening to Tori Amos Aaron Lewis singing Cornflake Girl Nutshell by AIC...I was the Customer Service Associate of a bank. Our Columbus branch was assigned the Destroyer accounts and somehow I was put in charge of opening them. $4,000,000 of deposits later via wire transfer I'm answering questions to the owner.

"Well we just gave your bank four million in deposits and you still charged us a $17 incoming wire transfer fee?"

"I'll refund that right away, sir." And I did. I helped. I also went through their accounts and figured out what those guys made...not much at all. So yeah, Go Destroyers! Plus I went to 2 games in their first season which they lost. We eventually lost their business because National City spent $10,000 on ad space at their games so they switched to them. But I expect to get a ring when they win. I was very helpful in the fall of '03. (They'll lose even though I expect the opening kickoff to be returned in 14 seconds)

Something else almost interesting. My brother said he saw Sideshow Matt at Hound Dog Pizza the other day. He and his friends briefly talked to him. Unfortunately my feelings were not relayed. I imagine Twig is spending his July playing some sort of adult league volleyball, he's a hell of a setter, let's not forget.
There's no way I'll be able to afford as many Buckeye trips this year though I do hope to drive up for a Bears preseason game. Instead I'm blowing investing my money on my comedy career and spending some time in New York.
I also ask you, what think you all of Gee's return? He never tear-gassed us did he?


At 11:18 PM, July 16, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

we saw him at Little Bar, not Hound Dog's. he was hanging out with a bunch of short dudes and they were pounding buttery nipples and appletinis.


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