Turning my attention to less painful things

At least, in theory. Back by quasi-popular non-demand.

By the way, my sister now writes about movies with a bunch of pinkos. It's like reading my stuff, except arguably better written and inarguably containing 100% less swearing. Now, I know my sister and am familiar with her preferred word choices, so she must have one fucking fuck of a goddamn fucking editor over there. Fuck. Anyways: 90s music and the stupidity of the American public. Two things that can work me into a lather at dinner parties, work, or other times when I'm awake. *Deep breath* okay. I gotta get this shit off my TiVo.

60. Bell Biv DeVoe - Poison
Okay, hour 3 is off to a good start, what with the MotownPhilly and the glaven. I remember driving in Mr. Brodie's van to basketball camp at Plymouth Salem every day in the summer of 1990 hoping that this song would come on the radio. Ubiquitous Rolling Stone journalist/TV commenter Rob Sheffield says that this song had one of the greatest lines of the 90s, and then they cut away and never come back to him. "Yo slick: blow"? "Me and the crew used to do her"? Anyway, one of them is in real estate now, one of them changed his moniker to "sporty rich" and hangs out with Puff Doodly, and the other one apparently no longer exists.

59. Weezer - Buddy Holly
This must be on here for the video, because Jimmy Eat Average Weezer Fan can pick out at least five songs from the Blue Album and Pinkerton that are better than this one. But yeah: great, iconic video, and it's still fun to watch. Hollywood Steve says that Weezer was "deep down geeky" and "not fronting." Yeah, I've seen the album cover; those guys are not faking. Obligatory discussion of Rivers Cuomo's late 90's nerd-vous breakdown ... now. Not enough music videos feature Barry Zuckercorn nowadays. He's very good.

58. Sophie B. Hawkins - Damn, I Wish I was Your Lover
I, uh .. okay. I mean, I remember this song, but ... really? A cursory search reveals that this was the 34th-ranked single of 1992. Legendary. Oh, it might have something to do with this: Host Lady calls the tune "a mating call for the incurably horny," and says that the ambiguous lyrics made some wonder if Hawkins was a lesbian or bisexual, rumors which the singer squelched by claiming that she was "omnisexual." I don't know what that means, but it makes me think of Spud Webb and Jon Konkac. Sophie had another tune in 1994 that I've never heard of. Um, if they say so. She's now a painter and has held up pretty well, if I do say so myself. Which I do.

57. Jay-Z - Can I Get A...
See, there's a certain degree of cognitive dissonance that comes along with just defining this era of music as "the 90s" and throwing everything into a big stew. I mean, seriously: Sophie B. Hawkins followed immediately by Jay-Z? And the thing that binds them together is that the particular big hit records we're talking about here were both released during a decade which began with "199." You can probably tell that I have absolutely nothing to talk about here. This video apparently featured Chris Penn, whose brother is a legendary dick.

Songs that missed the cut!
"103." Fatboy Slim - Rockafeller Skank -- I remember that the first time I ever heard this was on a car ride to Cedar Point. I know that James Tuttle was in the car, but that's all I remember. Despite the fact that I prefer this song, I remember "Praise You" being quite a bit more popular. But that might have crossed over the magic "December 31, 1999" barrier.

56. L.L. Cool J - Mama Said Knock You Out
Asshole Speech from Arrested Development says that this was "vintage L.L." in that it was "macho" and "confident." And because he was "largely shirtless." The guys from Blues Traveler think this song was "'p-h' phat." I consider them "irrelevant." I want to squeeze in more "quotation marks." Ooh, clips of L.L. and his massive deodorant clumps from MTV's Unplugged. Good times.

55. Fiona Apple - Criminal
Pretty teenagers in their underwears! Several compliments for Fiona's husky, sultry voice. I am in agreeance. The Nelson brothers think that she's a "naughty girl." I am skeeved out. There's so much wood panelling and pouting in this video; I think whoever made "The Ice Storm" must have watched this a bunch. Fiona Apple is 30 now, and more of my adolescence retreats away from me. Let's move on.

54. Joan Osborne - One of Us
"If God was just a stranger on the bus, I sure hope he's not that guy that's touching himself." There are times when I think that "I Love the 80s" and "Best Week Ever" were horrible, horrible mistakes that we're all going to have to pay for in the future, and then there are times where I'm wrong about things. The above quote was made by some guy, some "Best Week Ever" guy, and my teeth are clenched. Old friend Lisa Arch says that this song pissed off religious wackos because you're not supposed to use the word "God" in a song so many times. I don't think it was the quantity that bothered people, Lisa. But yeah: wackos. What a surprise, controversy helped make a song a hit. I'm gonna write a bluesy number about God performing an abortion and having sex with some displaced Hurricane Katrina victim while he's doing blow off a male prostitute's balls. And then I'll rake in the millions.

53. Naughty by Nature - O.P.P.
OMIGOD, DO U KNOW WHAT IT STANDS FOR?!?! NO WAZE!!!!1! There's a bunch of ridiculous comments about all that. Also, Treach did porn, apparently. Doesn't make me like the bassline any less.

52. Sugar Ray - Fly
I hate this song. I liked "Every Morning" better, and I can't decide if I'm ashamed of that. Can I get a ruling?

51. 2 Pac - California Love
Once again: embarrassingly, unrelentingly white. I always kind of had a sense that Dr. Dre was heavily influenced by "The Road Warrior," and this confirms it. I don't know what I'm saying. Also, 2 Pac died and still sold a shitload of records. If you were my freshman roommate Stinky John, this obviously meant that 2 Pac was not really dead, since we all know that every time a song is played, the performer has to shrink down and get magically teleported into your radio like an auditory Mike TeeVee, and then he/she/they perform(s) the song, and HOW THE HELL COULD THE SONG BE PLAYING IF HE WAS DEAD? IT MAKES NO SENSE! I blame witchcraft.

50. Alice in Chains - Man in a Box
I mean, I guess I can vaguely understand this, but I would definitely choose another 1991 AiC song if I could only take one to a desert island. Or, you know, put it on a top-100 list. Anyway, when I say I can vaguely understand it, I mean that I could probably accept it being in the top 100. The top half, though? I don't know what these people were smoking. And by "these people," I mean the American public.

49. Jewel - Who Will Save Your Soul
Jewel apparently wrote this when she was 16. I tell you what, she went through that brief period where she kind of slutted it up a little and sort of tried to be a Britney clone and acted like she could dance, but The Yodeler never looked hotter than in this video. Snaggletooth and all. Present day Jewel says that the first time she heard it on the radio she was embarrassed because she thought she sounded like Kermit the Frog. And Best Week Ever Guy is pissed off that Jewel's stealing all his best material. She's with some rodeo guy now. That seems oddly fitting.

48. Matchbox Twenty - 3 AM
Ugh. "They were the kind of band fans could bring home to mom," says Host Lady, who then calls them "nice-guy rockers." I guess half of that phrase is true, maybe. Chris Kirkpatrick from NSync thinks "these guys are so good," and Delbert Marcy Playground thinks this was a great song. Well there's all you need to know. What's the opposite of the "appeal to authority" fallacy? Rob Thomas says he wrote this song about growing up with a mother who had cancer. Well don't I feel like a fuckin' asshole. The band recently put out a song that Scooter tried endlessly to get stuck in my head over New Year's, and I still kind of hate him for it.

47. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch - Good Vibrations
Holy shit, over/under on the number of underwear mentions: 5. Jesus, Marky Mark looks, like, 12 in this video. This video that apparently consists almost entirely of him working out. "This is a fantastic song, mostly because Marky Mark is gorgeous." Maybe that makes it a fantastic video (and it SO does), but Wahlberg's looks don't really affect the quality of the track that much, unless I'm crazy. Jake Fogelnest: "It's got Marky Mark screaming at you ... It was almost like, if you didn't feel the vibrations, he was gonna come kick the shit out of you." FEEL IT! FEEL IT! Lots of talk about how Wahlberg became an actor and has really tried kind of pathetically hard to distance himself from his (snicker) "roots." Marky Mark underwear mentions: 2. I would make a bad bookie.

46. Shania Twain - You're Still the One
Full disclosure: when Adore by Smashing Pumpkins came out, I went to the Media Play in Southgate at midnight and bought that record. And, while I was there, I bought this single for 99 cents. I ... I can't defend that decision. Anyways. Mark McGrath sheds a tear when he hears this song. This song was inspired by Shania's husband, a producer named "Mutt," of whom there are apparently no pictures dated later than about 1992. FUCK ME, Lisa Arch just points out, as I'm typing it, that there's just that one picture of Mutt that they show all the time, that black-and-white one in which he looks like the keyboard player from Bon Jovi. You know the one one I'm talking about. Wait, you stopped reading after the first two sentences, didn't you?

45. Hootie & the Blowfish - Only Wanna Be With You
SOMEBODY CALL TODD! He's probably furious that (*spoiler alert*) this is the only Hootie song on the list. He probably thinks there should be five songs from "Cracker Rear View" in the top 20. "Let it never be forgotten that America loved Hootie & the Blowfish," says Rob Sheffield. That album sold like a quadzillion copies, Rob, I have no idea how much effort it would take to block out that memory. For a video that was ass-full of SportsCenter references, they're showing nary a one of them. Viacom and Disnergy must not be getting along (Norby!). Host Lady says that the band was the victim of a "Hootie backlash," obviously reading from a script written by Todd.

44. The Fugees - Killing Me Softly With His Song
Basically the Fugees took a Roberta Flack song, added a more up-tempo drumbeat, some sitar, and some "uh"s and "what"s, and they had a huge hit. Someone talks about how awesome it was to be listening to this song and go "one time" and "two times" along with Wyclef. Do I need to tell you that it was Best Week Ever guy? I didn't think so. Some guy is shocked that the Fugees broke up right after this album came out. It's called "egos," buddy. Ben Lee wins the comment of the episode award: "You can never write her off, because you know she could just come back with that killer record. Fingers crossed, we get it before Chinese Democracy."

43. En Vogue - My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)
Wow, hotness. I had completely forgotten about this song, but yeah, I remember now. Godfrey says, "The lead one, I wanted to hit. And I wanted to hit the other one, the other one, and the other one." Strangely, VH1 has to bleep out "hit" when used as a synonym for "have sex with." My personal favorite, Dawn, left the band in the mid-90s, getting replaced by ... someone. Anyway, no one really talks about the song itself, they just talk about how hot En Vogue was. I just ... sure.

42. Collective Soul - Shine
Everyone is talking about these guys being poseurs - I mean, did I miss something? "Record execs must have been handing out flannel shirts to everyone," fake Michael McDonald says. "They totally were just like looking at the pages of Spin and looking at, like, how Eddie Vedder looks," according to a random actor/comedienne. She then says "that song was still kind of good, though. I'm not gonna front." What the fuck is going on here? Mark McGrath points out, truthfully or not, that Collective Soul was "the most played 'modern rock' band of the 90s." I could probably check on that, but I'm lazy. I'd have to open up a whole new tab and everything. This song? Was good and popular and probably pretty accurately placed.

41. Spin Doctors - Two Princes
Really, America? Really? Seriously, have you thought about this? Effusive praise from a few commenters, but mostly we're told about how shocked the band was that the song became a hit and the band became successful ... come on, guys, make me work here. Did everyone else who reads this order this album with their first-ever BMG or Columbia House "10 CDs for 1 cent" account? Personally, I would have though "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" would have been the highest-ranking Spin Doctors song, but I suppose I'm not an expert on all things Spin Doctorly. Host Lady: "Album sales back-slid in the years following 'Two princes.'" That, class, is what we call an understatement.

Hour four will be forthcoming. All the time.