Friday, April 08, 2005

The creeping terror continues!

Well, although the idea of delving into the NHL’s efforts to gradually transform into the XHL is quite tempting, I figured it was about time for another Michael Jackson update. Again, sadly, there is no George Lopez coverage. And no, it’s not quite as hot-and-heavy as past testimony (no recountings of Jacko telling children that men who don’t masturbate regularly are liable to have sex with dogs), but, you know, the news goes on, "Jesus Juice" or not.

So Jacko’s former maid took the stand earlier this week, alleging that Jacko used to sleep in the same bed with a then-9-year-old Macaulay Culkin. No, this is not news (although the revelation that Bubbles the Chimp was often in the bed with them is none too disturbing). She also alleged that she found Jacko showering with a young Wade Robson, who grew up to be relatively famous for serving as choreographer to Nsync, and only slightly less famous for allegedly being the impetus for the Spears/Timberlake supercouple’s breakup. She stated that on the floor next to the shower were two pairs of underwear: Jacko’s tighty whities and Robson’s teeny neon greenies. The hits just keep on coming.

Now, it bears mentioning that this former maid is also mother to one of Jacko’s past alleged victims, a now-24-year-old who received a hefty settlement back in the 90s. He also testified this week, claiming that "Jackson tickled his testicles when he was a boy, and stuffed $100 bills into his shorts after two similar tickle-turned-grope sessions in the late 1980s." "Tickle-turned-grope sessions"? That one phrase inadvertently described my last four trips to Columbus. The witness possibly solidified his credibility by describing his mother as a "kickin’" housekeeper, but I’m not sure what the hell that means. I can only picture dancing maids and butlers. "Annie"-esque, I guess you could say. Seems like the kind of thing you’d expect to find in the mansion of a man who is 1.) a pop music icon, and 2.) completely fucking crazy.

Those festivities were followed by a former Neverland security guard’s recollections about serving under the Jacko regime. The guard, a Mr. Ralph "Don’t call me Shawn" Chacon, testified that he heard Jacko in the shower with a PYPT (Pretty Young Pre-Teen), and that he later saw His Fucked-Up-ness "caressing the boy's hair, kissing him on face and sucking his nipples." If I wasn’t scared before, I certainly was after reading that sentence. And things only got worse.

"He put the little boy's penis in his mouth."

Good God.

Now, aside from making a picture-perfect NCAA 2005 "create-a-sign" for the Man-Boy Love, this piece of information did two things: it made me run to the bathroom and vomit, and it pretty much blew the case (ugh, I’m sorry) wide open. The guard was then asked by the prosecution whether he actually saw the oral sex happening. "‘Yes,’ Chacon replied, adding that Jackson's kisses were ‘very passionate’ and that the singer's hands were ‘all over’ the boy's body." I suppose there are some things you can never un-read.

Both witnesses are being attacked by Jacko’s defense attorneys, who claim that the two are liars and disgruntled former employees, looking to get even with a good-natured - though extremely fucking strange - man-child. To be perfectly honest, either seems plausible. But, I mean, with shit like this going on in the late-80s and early-90s ... what the hell kind of parent would let their (cancer-surviving) kid hang out at the Neverland Ranch in 2003, which is when the charges that are at the center of this case occurred? You might as well leave your kid in the middle of a NAMBLA convention with a sign around his neck that says "molest this boy." One thing is still certain, however: this trial could obviously use more references to George Lopez.


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