I Hit the Jack-pot?
I have already revealed to the world a shocking list of fantastic Jeff moments. I have published a stunning collection of unforgettable Todd moments. Now, in a daring attempt to complete the third and final installment, the Return of the Jedi to Todd's Empire Strikes Back, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe to Jeff's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I shall now reveal my assemblage of...
...FAVORITE JACKSON MOMENTS!!
*much triumphant fanfare and ass-slapping*
This list was in some ways more difficult than the other two in that Jack is so consistently funny. While he's got some amazing contributions to this list, he's often not quite as outrageous as, say, a drunk Jeff. He's guaranteed to keep you laughing the entire evening, though. And that humor has provided a number of hysterical, purely Jackson moments that you will find in this list.
Onwards and upwards...
1.) One-Hit Wonders: At my house at 94 E. Lane in the summer of 2002, Jackson came over one night to play a game of Balderdash with my roommate Mike D, our friend Ashleigh, and my friend Amita. The game was a lot of fun, we got drunk on Jackson's Special Martinis and then watched VH1's One-Hit Wonders. It was simple but we had a fantastic time.
2.) Snap Into A Slim Jim: Seeing Jackson's face when he ran over to check on me after Slim Jim tackled me after the Purdue game. It's the only time I've ever seen Jackson ready to pummel someone.
3.) Cave Grumblings: "Jesus Christ! Who shit themselves?!"
4.) One Word: Batman.
5.) Two Words: Beano Cook.
6.) Three Words: "Fives and sixes!"
7.) Happy Birthday?: Jackson acting completely unfazed as Todd, Jeff, Phil, and me leap out of hiding to surprise him for his birthday in Monroe.
8.) That Place on the T.V.: Waking up in Monroe the next morning shortly before the OSU football game was to start, only to find that it wasn't scheduled to broadcast, then finding that it was mercifully being broadcast... only to then have Jackson walk in with Pizza Papalis about one minute later. This is one of the happiest moments of my life.
Coincidentally, Jeff eating almost an entire pizza by himself is one of the most impressive things I have ever witnessed. Also impressive is that Jeff manages to make yet another list of mine.
9.) Suck on My Tenderness: "Evan just licked me. And not on accident either."
10.) Snits: The greatest Balderdash moment ever (even better than the repeated sexual comments about Sean's sister). Jackson's definition of the word SNIT ran along the lines of the best Grandpa Simpson quote of all time: "I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. 'Give me five bees for a quarter,' you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time." It was so good that I saved the Balderdash entry and still have it to this day.
11.) Mullet Castle: During the Scavenger Hunt in 2003, we needed a picture of someone on our team with a definitively mulleted individual. While building our slider-box pyramid in White Castle, a femullet waltzed her way into the ordering line. I quickly pointed out the presence of the nearby femullet and Jackson wasted no time. He proceeded immediately to the femullet and her man and simply asked "Can I get a picture with you?", which was hilarious. The couple was nothing less than mind-fucked, but some sweet-talkin' by me convinced them to play along.
12.) Double Team Supreme: Finding out that Jack was a Tenacious D fan, which happened during the epic Halloween party at Jack's place on W. Norwich. I found myself singing to Tenacious D's "Double Team" and saw that Jackson was the only other person in the place singing along. So we sang it out loud while everyone else in the basement stared in confusion.
13.) Fully Extended... Thirteen: Drunk, listening to The Frogs in Jackson's basement at 3:00 in the morning.
14.) Ever the Optimist: "Typical big blind hand..."
15.) Go North!: The infamous Halloween party where we were encouraging young lovers to explore each other's bodies through the use of heavy petting. Sitting on the couch near the front door yelling at people in the middle of all the action was one of my favorite college party moments of all time.
16.) Great Names in Porn: There are more than a few great moments involved with theBlog.net, but one of the ones that sticks out like Jeff after watching a 2nd Grade boys' gym class is Jackson's random note one night about watching a college basketball game... UAB perhaps?... and describing how he lost it when he heard the commentator say the point guard's name: Squeaky Johnson.
17.) Goro Inagaki is So Dreamy!: One night I forced Todd and Jackson to watch an obscure but inspired piece of not-so-erotic soft-core: Private Lessons 2. Jackson tried to ignore the beginning of the movie as he sat in the dining room and devoured his Subway in only the way Jackson can. But his ears were not immune to the dulcive tones of Goro Inagaki (of SMAP fame) as they fluttered one of the first lines of the movie: "What is that you wanted, Miss Cooper?"... which sounded more like "Wutidditatyuwatted, mi cupah?". Upon hearing these words Jackson decided to inhale a good portion of his sub and choke on it momentarily, partly because he was laughing and I think partly because of shock. There was some Peanut Gallery Effect (TM) here, but that only enhanced the moment.
Again, I'm probably missing a bunch of great moments, but I think this is a pretty good selection. I keep thinking that there have got to be some great Cuervo moments or poker moments that I'm forgetting here. But I have done what I can do. A comprehensive list of great Jackson moments would be impossible.
So, Jackson, here's to you.