Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I Hit the Jack-pot?

I have already revealed to the world a shocking list of fantastic Jeff moments. I have published a stunning collection of unforgettable Todd moments. Now, in a daring attempt to complete the third and final installment, the Return of the Jedi to Todd's Empire Strikes Back, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe to Jeff's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I shall now reveal my assemblage of...


*much triumphant fanfare and ass-slapping*

This list was in some ways more difficult than the other two in that Jack is so consistently funny. While he's got some amazing contributions to this list, he's often not quite as outrageous as, say, a drunk Jeff. He's guaranteed to keep you laughing the entire evening, though. And that humor has provided a number of hysterical, purely Jackson moments that you will find in this list.

Onwards and upwards...

1.) One-Hit Wonders: At my house at 94 E. Lane in the summer of 2002, Jackson came over one night to play a game of Balderdash with my roommate Mike D, our friend Ashleigh, and my friend Amita. The game was a lot of fun, we got drunk on Jackson's Special Martinis and then watched VH1's One-Hit Wonders. It was simple but we had a fantastic time.
2.) Snap Into A Slim Jim: Seeing Jackson's face when he ran over to check on me after Slim Jim tackled me after the Purdue game. It's the only time I've ever seen Jackson ready to pummel someone.
3.) Cave Grumblings: "Jesus Christ! Who shit themselves?!"
4.) One Word: Batman.
5.) Two Words: Beano Cook.
6.) Three Words: "Fives and sixes!"
7.) Happy Birthday?: Jackson acting completely unfazed as Todd, Jeff, Phil, and me leap out of hiding to surprise him for his birthday in Monroe.
8.) That Place on the T.V.: Waking up in Monroe the next morning shortly before the OSU football game was to start, only to find that it wasn't scheduled to broadcast, then finding that it was mercifully being broadcast... only to then have Jackson walk in with Pizza Papalis about one minute later. This is one of the happiest moments of my life.

Coincidentally, Jeff eating almost an entire pizza by himself is one of the most impressive things I have ever witnessed. Also impressive is that Jeff manages to make yet another list of mine.

9.) Suck on My Tenderness: "Evan just licked me. And not on accident either."
10.) Snits: The greatest Balderdash moment ever (even better than the repeated sexual comments about Sean's sister). Jackson's definition of the word SNIT ran along the lines of the best Grandpa Simpson quote of all time: "I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. 'Give me five bees for a quarter,' you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time." It was so good that I saved the Balderdash entry and still have it to this day.
11.) Mullet Castle: During the Scavenger Hunt in 2003, we needed a picture of someone on our team with a definitively mulleted individual. While building our slider-box pyramid in White Castle, a femullet waltzed her way into the ordering line. I quickly pointed out the presence of the nearby femullet and Jackson wasted no time. He proceeded immediately to the femullet and her man and simply asked "Can I get a picture with you?", which was hilarious. The couple was nothing less than mind-fucked, but some sweet-talkin' by me convinced them to play along.

12.) Double Team Supreme: Finding out that Jack was a Tenacious D fan, which happened during the epic Halloween party at Jack's place on W. Norwich. I found myself singing to Tenacious D's "Double Team" and saw that Jackson was the only other person in the place singing along. So we sang it out loud while everyone else in the basement stared in confusion.
13.) Fully Extended... Thirteen: Drunk, listening to The Frogs in Jackson's basement at 3:00 in the morning.
14.) Ever the Optimist: "Typical big blind hand..."
15.) Go North!: The infamous Halloween party where we were encouraging young lovers to explore each other's bodies through the use of heavy petting. Sitting on the couch near the front door yelling at people in the middle of all the action was one of my favorite college party moments of all time.
16.) Great Names in Porn: There are more than a few great moments involved with theBlog.net, but one of the ones that sticks out like Jeff after watching a 2nd Grade boys' gym class is Jackson's random note one night about watching a college basketball game... UAB perhaps?... and describing how he lost it when he heard the commentator say the point guard's name: Squeaky Johnson.
17.) Goro Inagaki is So Dreamy!: One night I forced Todd and Jackson to watch an obscure but inspired piece of not-so-erotic soft-core: Private Lessons 2. Jackson tried to ignore the beginning of the movie as he sat in the dining room and devoured his Subway in only the way Jackson can. But his ears were not immune to the dulcive tones of Goro Inagaki (of SMAP fame) as they fluttered one of the first lines of the movie: "What is that you wanted, Miss Cooper?"... which sounded more like "Wutidditatyuwatted, mi cupah?". Upon hearing these words Jackson decided to inhale a good portion of his sub and choke on it momentarily, partly because he was laughing and I think partly because of shock. There was some Peanut Gallery Effect (TM) here, but that only enhanced the moment.

Again, I'm probably missing a bunch of great moments, but I think this is a pretty good selection. I keep thinking that there have got to be some great Cuervo moments or poker moments that I'm forgetting here. But I have done what I can do. A comprehensive list of great Jackson moments would be impossible.

So, Jackson, here's to you.


At 10:29 AM, August 09, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

I was fully aware that compiling a list of “favorite Jackson moments” would be fairly difficult, considering that I never reach the astounding peaks that Jeff does, and I really don’t go for the Dids-esque mile-a-minute, “chuck every (bad) joke you can think of at the wall and see if any of them stick” approach either. But I have to say, thank you, good sir. I am honored. I guess I like to think of myself as the steady .295 hitter with little-or-no power. But I draw a lot of walks, so I’m always on base. And then ... someone can ... drive me in. Or something.

Comments where applicable:
1.) Yes, that was a special night. I especially liked the extended cheers that such fabulous tunes as Cheryl Lynn’s “Got to be Real” and Modern English’s “Melt With You” made the countdown. And I haven’t had one of my special martinis in a while - I may have to bust out the old recipe. And I’m fairly certain that what added to the majesty of those drinks was the fact that we were using the old standby LORD ANSLEY, so they were basically martini-slushes. Mmm.
2.) Wow, what a weird moment that was. I have to say, even though I (along with Phil) reacted the most quickly, and were there to pull Slim Jim Guy off of you in about half a second, I wasn’t really ready to pummel him. I was more concerned about your well-being, combined with being really weirded out, ultimately leading to what was probably a pretty intense look on my face. Ah, Purdue. To Dr. Fudge!
3.) I maintain that he did, in fact, shit himself. I don’t care what anyone says.
4.) I wish I could remember everything about that Batman incident, but the details slip my mind. I just remember him coming up and talking to me out of nowhere, and you guys all backing off and watching him have some kind of in-depth discussion with me about whether I was an actor or something. And you were all laughing. I don’t blame you; I’d have undoubtedly done the same thing. But man. Bat. That dude was creepy.
5.) Hehehe. “No-trah Dame.” I have to say, not to toot my own horn or anything (Jeff’s, on the other hand...), but it’s somewhat frightening how well I impersonate Beano Cook saying those two words. Oh yeah, and Ron Powlus is gonna win 3 Heismans in his time at No-trah Dame. There you go.
6.) Fucking fives and sixes. You guys are dicks. But I love you.
7.) It wasn’t so much that I was “unfazed” - I was just completely fucking dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to do, and I was thoroughly unprepared to deal with the magnitude of the situation. Hence my look of total calm and nonchalance while my mind was like “Wait ... whuh ... I just ... wha?”
8.) You’re welcome. I got up at 9:30, as I said I would, and drove all the way to Greektown, put in the order, waited 40 minutes for it to be done, and drove back, arriving, somewhat miraculously, just as the game was kicking off. Epic celebration ensued. As it should’ve.
(And yes, Jeff almost polishing off an entire Pizza Papalis large pie was a borderline-superhuman effort. I remember just watching him, disbelieving. It was akin to when -- and BOD will be the only one who might be aware of this -- we watched Phil the German Exchange Student devour an entire Fiorelli’s party pizza [which was Flat Rock’s practical equivalent of an Adriatico’s Buckeye pizza] while watching the 1996 Final Four in Jimbo’s basement. Good times.)
9.) He totally did. What a great night. So much went on. And Todd got to be a small part of it (being the on-the-phone recipient of my “Evan just licked me” comment), even though he didn’t get to witness any of the carnage.
10.) As far as I am concerned, there has yet to be a Grampa Simpson homage in the history of the world that WASN’T fantastic. “Welcome to my world.”
11.) Hey, we were in the heat of battle, and the picture of one of us standing next to a mulletted individual wasn’t just gonna take itself. So I was a little crass in my photo request, big deal. But yes, I freaked them out, probably more than a little bit, and Evan’s sweet-talking cleared up the Erin-sized holes in our story.
12.) So here me and KG come naked, out of THE SIDEHATCH!!
13.) Thirteen O’Clock: Me and God just watchin’ Scotty’s cock ROCK!
14.) Friggin’ big blind hands. I don’t think I was the originator of the phrase, but I undoubtedly used it the most. Oh, an entire list like this could be made about poker moments, but I think my favorite probably involves Shutown: specifically, when he yelled out the window at two passing pedestrians “Oh, do me, I GAY!”
15.) A classic. What a night. I loved parties at 85.
16.) Squeaky Johnson, a.k.a., Cocky McLongSchlong. And yes, he played for UAB. Since his name was actually real, I’ll have to take him over “Nintendo Chavez” in my favorite theblog.net Moments in Funny Names.
17.) Oh Jesus. I fucking spit my food all over your table. I somehow spit and choked at the same time, which really when you think about it is the only acceptable reaction to that line. Incidentally, I saw Miz Cupah” on “Law and Order: Sports Utility Vehicle” the other day. She wasn’t playing a high school teacher flirting with a student, but rather a psychologist or something who I think was fucking her stepson. I think it turned out she was a nympho or something. As can be expected, I was laughing too hard to really catch the finer points of the plot.

Once again: thank you.

At 1:08 PM, August 09, 2005, Blogger Nipsey said...

A few comments of my own about another fantastic Evan post:

- I can never get enough Beano. And I hate how Jackson gets off on withholding it sometimes.

- "Welcome to my world." One of my 2 favorite Grampa quotes of all time. The other is of course, "A little from column A, a little from column B."

- I totally made it onto someone's list AGAIN. I'm everywhere. You gotta eat! And speaking of eating, here's the thing with Pizza Papalis. I like it. I think it might be the greatest pizza on the face of the planet. So I eat a lot of it. The rest of you obviously don't like it very much. Honestly, I'm not sure why we go there so often. Not that I'm complaining. I'm the one that likes their pizza. Anyway, I think Pizza Papalis needs to start doing some television commercials or something. You know, get the word out. (Incidentally, perhaps my favorite Cave moment of all time is when we realized that after an entire year he still didn't understand the whole "pizza place on the TV" bit at all.

- I think the Scav. Hunt was in 2004. And it needs to happen again. Soon.

- Okay, since I'm the only one here that follows MLS, you probably haven't heard that one of LA's better young forwards is named Herculez Gomez. (And yes that's how its spelled.) Cracks me up everytime I hear it.

To Dr. Fudge

At 1:10 PM, August 09, 2005, Blogger The Diddy said...

Additions to the Fu...

Happy New Years: Unfamiliar with champ-agne, Jack doesn't let it fizz out upon opening it. As usual, he just jams it straight into his mouth. He proceded to spit up about 7 gallons of it.

He knows what he's doing: After an epic night of drunkeness (in which he also stole parking cones), he for no reason stop-drop-rolled across neil ave. between cars. Why? So he could chase the dogs. What dogs? No one is still quite sure. Joanna was with us and quite concerned. My response, "Don't worry, they always find their way back."

GET BACK HERE!!!: aka, "Run away from Todd strategy" One of the best bondisms created. I'm still honored, but I hate you at the same time.

Break it in: Wakefield had just got Perfect Dark and he had to take an exam the next day. Jack and I? Not so much. We played it for 8 consec. hours stopping only to go get pizza rolls and jones soda. One of the most underrated days of my life.

Boban: The night we first fell in love was on the way back from the NCAA tourney in '99. For three hours we did nothing but place bobans into every song. (Sidenote, we couldn't have been happier, but Joe Schultz couldn't have been more irritated). **In the key of whitney..."How will I know if boban loves me? ... Oh, it's bobansweet" (Sidenote 2 - our attire for the NCAA tourney was stellar including me being known as "shorts" by several people and getting props from the limo.)

There's plenty more, especially from the dorm, which have all slipped my mind.

At 1:30 PM, August 09, 2005, Anonymous Kristin said...

I don't post to the blog because I don't usually read the blog because this thing must be the reason why the bathroom doesn't get cleaned on a regular basis. I figured such a list would probably result in my finding out something that I wasn't supposed to know. Either Jackson paid Evan off, or Jackson really hasn't done anything to get into trouble. Since Jackson lives the life of a kept man, he can't pay Evan off with money, so I probably don't want to know how that debt was settled. Because I know that there should be things to get him a few nights on the couch. Which Todd says that he can do. To number 7) To add to that item, I think the whole week leading up to that should be included - As Jackson didn't think anything strange about me spending $150 at the grocery store. Me, the girl who can barely work the oven and specializes in making Hot Pockets. The fact that I bought scotch didn't set off anything either (For Phil, who then proceeded to drink all my watermelon vodka, the f&$%er). He believed me when I said the 24 cans of beer, 5 pizzas, veggie tray, bottle of tequila, and bottle of run was for Mike and Joanna. There will be no surprise birthday celebrations because Jackson is going to be wearing my bridesmaid dress in Mike and Joanna's. Or at least he will be drunk enough to try on before it gets altered - and I promise pictures.

At 3:10 PM, August 09, 2005, Blogger The Diddy said...

I see Kristin has decided to partake in the fun. Let's add a few more.

1) Jackson made out with two Delta girls at the same time.

2) Running around in his boxer shorts during one party declaring himself to be called Peter Pantless.

3) Once asking a quad of freshman girls when they have "naked time". Wait...that was Jacob. HARHARHARHAR

4) Offering himself to Jessica Jo for the rest of a hound dog pizza.

5) All those tasty play bitches. MmmmMmmm....Tasty. Some of them were quite attractive. And (according to legend) I did make out with one of them (although she wasn't nearly the best looking one)while on Joanna's lap, however, I swear that never happened.

At 6:19 PM, August 09, 2005, Blogger Torgonator said...

In response, I will be commenting on the comments made about my post. And the circle is now complete.

What made the Pizza Papalis event so spectacular was that you had told us that you would go get pizza but you were gone before anyone else was awake. So we thought you were still asleep when we found the game was about to start. It was at that time that the thought ran through my head that I should go wake you up for the game and right on cue you walked in the door with the Pizza Papalis. You know what just happened? Goosebumps.

It really is amazing that Jackson was as clueless about the surprise birthday party as he was. I mean, we all know that he's generally oblivious to... well, everything. But that's a lot even for him. Then again, I'd like to credit our awesome hiding skillz in the execution of the surprising.

Nipsey has a point... we should probably stop going to Pizza Papalis. It can't possibly be as good as the place on the T.V.

While piecing together these lists, a lot of great Cave moments came to mind. I've been leaning away from doing it because he doesn't even read this and I was just going to keep these lists focused on us. But I've since realized that even though we won't have the benefit of watching his rampage, a list of great Cave moments would be entirely too rewarding (festivus) for the rest of us.

It may go up tonight. It may go up tomorrow. It may go up next week. This is what happens.

At 9:24 AM, August 10, 2005, Anonymous Kristin said...

To Todd:

I believe it all and Jackson will be punished accordingly.


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