The Juice Weasel

So I’m sure by now that everyone has heard about Raffie, the lying Juan Valdez Look-alike. If you’ve been living in a cave or wearing a sports-shielding helmet of some kind for the past two days, here’s the gist: a few months after denying that he had ever used steroids at March’s Congressional hearings -- where, as a matter of fact, he actually, physically pointed his finger at the Congressional committee while saying he was offended to even be there -- Viagra spokesman Rafael Palmeiro tested positive for a banned substance. Well, I’m sure we’re all shocked by this. After all, there wasn’t anything at all suspicious about this guy, a slap hitter in his early years with the Cubs reaching 500 dingers; a guy who, out of all the members of the 500-HR club, took the longest to even hit 30 homers in a season. FYI, Raffie finally did it in 1993, his 8th season in the bigs, as he belted 37 round-trippers, topping his previous year’s mark by 15. This, coincidentally(?), was the first year Raffie was teammates with a mulletted behemoth by the name of Jose Canseco. Shocker. Starting with that season, Mr. Valdez averaged 41 HRs a year for the next 10 full seasons (not counting the strike-shortened ‘94), 10 years in which he aged from 28 to 38 years old, yet never hit below that first total of 37 (in a row?).

Speaking of Canseco, there’s no way you can like the guy, but as the MWB took great pains to point out back in February, his book was probably much more "fact" than the media wanted to give him credit for at the time. Some of his remembrances were just too specific to be outright lies, and events of the last few months are making him look like more of a truth-teller than was originally thought: Mark McGwire’s hilarious "I’m not here to talk about the past" non-answers in front of Congress, Sammy Sosa’s refusal to personally speak to Congress because of his problems with Eenglish, Jason Giambi’s "apology," Pudge Rodriguez dropping 20+ pounds and losing almost all of his power, and now Raffie getting caught. Like I said, the guy’s a jackass, but you can be a jackass while telling the truth. "Jackass" and "truth-teller" are not mutually-exclusive. It’s about time people realized that.

Furthermore, Palmeiro’s bunk about "accidentally" ‘roiding up just strikes me as hilarious. Okay, this guy’s a professional ath-eh-lete in the sunset of his career. He depends on his body to make a living (and no, not in that way), and he really wants to make sure he can keep playing as long as possible, avoiding injury. Is there any way this guy would put something on/into his body without knowing EXACTLY what it was? Ath-eh-letes are notorious for being fickle about what they ingest or inject in order to stay healthy - shit, average joe’s who work out regularly wouldn’t take anything without finding out exactly what the substance was. I don’t buy this "accident" bullshit at all. What, are we supposed to believe that he fell on a needle or something? Rubbed "the cream" and "the clear" on himself without realizing it? Took an anabolic roofie at a hip Baltimore rave? Yeah, right. Shut the fuck up and take your medicine, Raffie. You cheater.