Monday, April 02, 2007

"Once I wanted to be the greatest..."

If tonight's game was a book I was supposed to read in college but didn't it would NOT be "Great Expectations." (Stuffed animal comes out one last time to flip me off). Even my old man was quoted in the Mansfield News Journal about our slim chances. I don't even know if I'll get mad tonight. I really expect nothing. I feel like most Florida fans did the morning of January 8, 2007. Hey--wait a minute? Are you saying that? No. No, I'm not. We're 5 point underdogs. Are they kidding? 5 points? You know what, if we're within 5 points then we do have a shot. What's the over/under on Oden's 4th foul, halftime? (But Slim, if you win, wouldn't it be weird?But wait, maybe the refs will be inclined to keep him in the game) No, no they won't. He's picked up cheap fouls this entire tournament against teams who don't even have big men. The only way he can stay in is if they avoid calling fouls on everything except blocked shot attempts. That means no charging, illegal screens, over the backs, ankle roughing, Kansas City Flip Flaps, etc.

Here's what I saw every time I flipped from ESPN2 to CBS on Saturday, dish, dunk OR drive, kick-out, 3 ball. So yes, I watched a lot of poker instead (does anyone else believe Daniel Negranue is straight?). My scouting report says, "Focus on getting players to come back next year." I really wouldn't be surprised if we ran the opening kickoff back either. (Oh wait, the jackasses on ESPN already made this joke)

So yes, my 2007 will continue to be a disaster where I'm bombarded with defeat every time Sports Illustrated shows an ad. "Hey Gator Fans!...Hey Colts Fans!...Hey Gator Fans! (again)...Hey any team who Rob Durham roots against!'s your chance to pick up another worthless shitty collectors edition that no one wants..."

I haven't made it through an SI commercial in quite some time. If we won anything I think I'd actually subscribe just to get that edition that's so uniquely labeled 61,452 out of 100,000.

And here's my biggest problem with the media. Should we lose, there will still be THOUSANDS of headlines saying, "The Bucks Stop Here." I think any reporter who still prints that line should lose his press credentials for the next 5 years. The only people who still find it clever are the old fucks who live in Florida...

(4:30 a.m. on the porch of a house outside of Gainesville. Old man reaches down for newspaper)

Old Man Witherspoon: Hey Beatrice, would ya look at this!
Beatrice: What's it say honey?
Old Man Witherspoon: Says the Bucks Stop Here! We must have won last night, cause they're the Bucks and they
Beatrice: Well that's wonderful honey, I'm glad those boys and that one girl with the fro-pony tale pulled it off again.
Old Man Witherspoon: Yes indeed, we're now the champions.
(grandson named Gabriel enters)
Gabriel: Don't you mean CHOMPians, grandpa?!
All: (laughing)

See, those fucks don't deserve another title, we do! DAMMIT GUYS JUST WIN A GAME FOR ME!

But there is no hope for me or any of us this year. I'll predict that the Cavs will lose in 6 4 games in June, and the Yankees will go down in 6 this October. I've just broken up with my girlfriend, I turn 30 in a matter of months, and my comedy career only has only one gig booked and it's in the nation's lowest paying comedy club...Shine on '07 shine on!


At 2:00 PM, April 10, 2007, Anonymous Break of Dawn said...

I'm very disappointed in the current lack of activity over here. What gives?

At 12:17 AM, April 11, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK I'll have more wrist slashing goodness up soon!

--The Dur


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