Tuesday, August 09, 2005

In Summation: He Went Home With Erin

What trilogy would be complete without a fourth installment? Certainly not the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, that's what. And in honor of the late Douglas Adams, I persevere in the face of convention to bring you yet another list. A list of...

....MY FAVORITE CAVE MOMENTS!!


I have a feeling this list will be considerably different from the other lists. Jeff's list was easy to come up with because he often treads where others fear to go, and often with fantastic results. Todd's list was easy because I've known him schlonger than the rest of the crew and I know him better... especially his grundle, which I (k)need. Jackson's list started off a little difficult but then got much easier as I went along. Harder and then faster. Harder and then faster. YESS!!! But I have a feeling that Cave's list is going to be so easy that it could practically write itself. In fact, a number of these will require no explanation because the story is so well-known. But yet I push onwards because I still think we need a written chronicle of his amazing... achievements?

Here we go...

1.) At Least 220: Erin. I don't need to explain this one as it's beyond legend status at this point. I think history books have already started including it in timelines of the twenty-first century. I can't thank Sean enough for providing us with this his greatest gift. Although he likes to claim he did it to provide us with a great story. Whatever.
2.) Good Thing I Have Backups: The two week period where Todd saying "I just tore, like, 3 ACLs," caused immediate rampage in Cave.
3.) Rampage Level 4: The poker game in which Cave got so frustrated with a hand that he reached over the table and slapped Todd across the face. Refer to Todd's list for details.
4.) Challenging the World: When we watched the 2003 OSU - M*ch*g*n game in the GreekTown casino, Cave was practically asking to get his ass beaten by everyone there. He did a good job of it, too.
5.) Just One Question: "What's cooler than ice cold?" Being cool?
6.) Speak of the Devil: The is the one Sean moment that he wasn't even present for. Phil and Sean had just moved to their Runaway Bay apartment in the last couple weeks. With everyone else attending the game, Phil and I were left to fend for ourselves. We decided to check out the game at a sports bar near his place. Neither of us had been there before and we had no idea what we were getting into. The Cliffside had only about 3 people in it, bartender included, and they probably shared one tooth. But they did have a big screen television broadcasting the game and Phil and I sat down, drank heavily and enjoyed ourselves. Early in the third quarter, Phil says out loud "Hey, I wonder where that Cave is." Literally, the second he finished saying that the Cave appeared on the screen as they did an up-close sideline shot. He wasn't the only one in the shot, there were probably three or four people in it... but his was the only face you could see. It was funny and cool and scary all at once. It's coincidentiality (go with it) would only be exceeded by Dr. Fudge's appearance after Todd's engine died on the 2002 Purdue trip and began emitting a cupcake smell which was apparently some sort of olfactory "Bat Signal" to the aforementioned towing specialist.

Incidentally, Phil and I looked at list of specials and we decided to order two shots each of the girliest drinks we could find. Thus began Phil's tradition of ordering Washington Apples at The Cliffside.
7.) Do These Jeans Make My Ass Look Fat?: Anytime Cave and Phil get into a tiff.
8.) You Know You Want To: "Get her number!". Todd to Cave. Taco Bell near Findlay, Ohio on the way to Jackson's parents' place.
9.) Stuck In the Middle With You: Same Taco Bell, same trip. Todd locks Cave out of the car while he gets cornered by the woman in the parking lot. He tried to nonchalantly open the door to leave the conversation but couldn't and it was fantastic.
10.) You Know What I Just Realized?: Well, no one else will really appreciate this one since neither Sean nor Phil ever read this thing. But Phil, Sean, and I were watching Anacondas one night and there was a scene with a guy who kinda looks like he has Native American in his blood. The group was trying to make it's way out of the jungle. They paused to take a breather. The camera cut to our Native American friend as he stared reflectively out over the expanse of forest in front of him. Sean, without missing a beat said, "I'm the last of my tribe..." The timing was flawless and is, without a doubt, the funniest thing I have ever heard anyone say during a movie. Even better than "What is this... a wet teacher contest?" and even better than "Huzzah!". It was so funny that we had to stop the movie while we laughed for the next five minutes. We of course watched it again and no one even dared saying anything this time because the delivery couldn't be topped, but remembering his delivery made us laugh enough again that Phil and I immediately gave him a standing ovation just from our mental re-playing of what he had said. Unbelievable.
11.) Maybe He Knew Then...: ...that he would get with Erin a year later. Phil, Sean, Frange, and I went down to campus for the OSU-Purdue game in 2003. Frange and I bought tickets off a scalper shortly before the game and watched a hell of a football game. Phil and Sean went to BW3 to catch the game, get some food, and drink some beer. Apparently the food ate Sean. So shortly after Frange and I caught up with Phil and Sean at BW3, Cave was feeling pretty sick. So we left to go back to Phil's brother's apartment. We walked North on High Street and got only to the Northberg Tavern before Sean had to visit the little girls' room. Sean barely made it to the stall when he unleashed a flurry of sounds that was anything but holy. Honestly, I think demons were flying out of him. His vomiting was about 5 times louder than any other vomiting I've ever heard. I think he actually had to pick up his intestines and swallow them back down. When he was done, the stall looked like it had been attacked by the girl in the exorcist.

There's much more to this story, but it's long enough that it should really get its own post (that's what she said). This is probably the only story to make it on one of these lists that isn't really humorous. Its here more because it was so odd and memorable. That's not to say that there wasn't something kinda funny about the ridiculous sounds coming from his mouth, but it was obviously a little worrisome, too.
12.) I See That You're Drinking 1% Milk: This moment is definitely much more recent than any of the other moments on this or the other lists. This past weekend while we were hanging out at The Cliffside, Sean began spouting out quotes from Napoleon Dynamite and they were HILARIOUS. He had the entire table of about eight of us roaring for five minutes with these quotes. It may sound like this moment is only included because it's fresh in my mind. But ask Todd... this was probably the best stretch of comedy that Cave has ever had. He was in rare form. I only hope that you guys get a chance to see it like we did.
13.) Ummm..: I'm going to need assistance on this one because I'm having a hard time remembering the details. I think I'm probably way off on some of the story. About 3 years ago Jackson, Sean, Jeff, and I were at Sean and Phil's apartment on W. Norwich and we were playing a game... I think it was Trivial Pursuit. Anyhow, the question of whatever game provided clues that the answer was, in everyone else's mind, clearly "The Pinball Wizard". Something maybe about a rock opera about a blind kid who plays pinball or something. At least it seemed that the question was that easy. But the question was directed to Sean. And Cave's response was "Ummm.... uhhh.... Mr. Magoo?". This answer was hilarious not only because was it wrong, but because (1) we all thought the question was so easy that we weren't prepared for any answer but "The Pinball Wizard" and (2) you could see the Cave mind at work here - getting caught on the "blind" thing and being unable to process anything else... and the "else" would have pointed anyone else clearly away from that answer. The answer was so funny to us that this marked one of the times where Jeff and I were both laughing so hard that we were crying. I think it's happened only twice, the other time being while we watched "HE'S WEARING RAY-BANS!". So obviously, this was an important moment for me and Jeff (Jeff finally gets his spotlight in this list.)
14.) And the Award Goes to...: The Sean's Clubs Award.


Now I know there have got to be some other great moments that I'm missing. There have been so many of them. Looking back, I noticed that I subconsciously use "Sean" and "Cave" at different times as though he is two separate personalities: normally using "Sean" to refer to the person and "Cave" to refer to his caveman-like persona. It makes sense but it's funny that I didn't realize I was doing it. Hmm. I've learned a little bit about myself tonight. I hope you have, too.

Oh, that Cave!

18 Comments:

At 11:43 PM, August 09, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 8:49 AM, August 10, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

When reading the above comment, did anyone else think of Homsar shouting "LEGITIMATE BUSINESS" on his hidden Homestar Runner page? Right...

 
At 9:43 AM, August 10, 2005, Blogger Torgonator said...

I don't understand your skepticism, Jack. He said we have some "great stuff"! He wouldn't know that unless he took the time to read a good portion of our content. Seriously, sometimes I wonder about you, Jack...

 
At 11:12 AM, August 10, 2005, Blogger The Diddy said...

How could you forget "FIVE TWOS!!!!"??

 
At 12:58 PM, August 10, 2005, Blogger Torgonator said...

I'm surprised I forgot "FIVE TWOS!!", but in my own defense...

(1) Cave's list was easy because there are so many great moments but my mind became overloaded trying to sort through all of them. I'm sure I could have come up with 30 moments if I spent 2 hours doing nothing but think of them.

(2) I wasn't there for it. That doesn't mean it shouldn't have made the list, but when I'm trying to rack my brain thinking of Cave moments, it's much easier to think of the things that I actually witnessed rather than things I just heard about (although the slapping incident has always had a special place in my heart even though I didn't see it... but he slapped you!).

(3) In general, I shyed away from poker moments for a couple reasons. First, there are a TON of entertaining Cave poker moments - so many, in fact, that every time I tried to sort through my mental file of Cave poker moments my brain just quit. Secondly, my memory is pretty fuzzy on the details of a lot of these stories. Some of them I saw, some of them I didn't, and everyone was just Cave acting like Cave so it's sometimes hard to differentiate between them. Here are the specific poker stories I remember off the top of my head: the slapping incident (wasn't present), FIVE TWOS (wasn't present), I think there were two chip-throwing incidents (wasn't present for either), "DO ME I'M GAY", wrap-around straight, the hand against Cave in Todd's parents' basement which lead to Todd playing No Doubt's rendition of "It's My Life", and "Balls. BALLS!". That's all I've got - and I know there have got to be scores of others. Poker stories are not my strong point. Cope with it.

 
At 12:58 PM, August 10, 2005, Blogger Nipsey said...

It's not as glaring an omission as 5 2s, but this has to be included:

We were playing poker one night at Runaway, and without any provocation whatsoever, Sean lowered his eyebrows, looked at me, and asked, "Jeff, have you been working out?"

I was speechless.
I looked at Sean.
He's dead serious.
I looked at Phil.
He's speechless.
I was still speechless.
After a prolonged period of silence in which we recovered from the shock of it all, we all laughed at Sean for being a homo.

 
At 1:00 PM, August 10, 2005, Blogger Nipsey said...

Wow - 2 posts at the exact same time - SYNERGY

 
At 1:41 PM, August 10, 2005, Blogger The Diddy said...

Another added bonus to the five twos story is that while rided in sean's car once his odometer read 22,222. I proceded to scream FIVE-TWOS!! Sean was confused, I pointed to the milage, he lauged, but I still don't think he got it.

Also, I'd like to throw in a couple more great Todd moments...b\c I like myself

1) Raising the roof!! (Nothing to do with A-Frames
2) And her boyfriend, Annie Duke
3) It floats because it's lighter (what I told sean about why a cigarette lighter was floating in a urinal.)

 
At 3:11 PM, August 10, 2005, Blogger Torgonator said...

1.) I was totally bringing my A-frame and you loved it. Also, you steal all my jokes.
2.) My head exploded. Again. This one totally deserves to be in the Todd List.
3.) Another one that deserves to be in the Todd List. Fantastic work. Do you remember where we were at? Weren't we at Friday's after playing a round of golf?

 
At 3:13 PM, August 10, 2005, Blogger Torgonator said...

Also, the synergy between the posting of me and Nipsey is awesome. We're just on a higher level than everyone else.

And "Have you been working out?" is truly an amazing poker moment. We just lost it and I don't think Cave understood why at first.

 
At 3:32 PM, August 10, 2005, Blogger The Diddy said...

"It floats b\c it's lighter" was after evan, cave, and I had all played golf out at that course on 161 and went to Max and Erma's posthaste right before "Cuervo I: The Beginning of the End".

Also during that meal we found that Sean could make the "Irritated Phil Face" which I don't think he's done since.

 
At 4:13 PM, August 10, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

Dids, will you be able to join Evan and I in Columbus the Friday before Labor Day? You know, the weekend when all the football starts? Evan has the day off, and I figured we could hit the links somewhere. Thoughts...?

 
At 6:19 PM, August 10, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

Also, I'd like to register my disgust that anything involving the words "Napoleon" and "Dynamite" within such close proximity to each other actually made this list.

*Shudder*

 
At 6:37 PM, August 10, 2005, Blogger Torgonator said...

Funny that you mention that because I told Todd just this weekend that I would be any money that you don't like Napoleon Dynamite. Hearing that you don't like it is about the least surprising thing you could have said.

It's probably because you're not very funny.

 
At 7:01 PM, August 10, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

Okay, I'll bite: Is there any particular reason why you told Todd you would "bet anything" that I don't like the movie...?

 
At 10:32 PM, August 10, 2005, Blogger Torgonator said...

Well, I wasn't trying to prep you to ask. I was just stating my prediction. I hadn't really thought about it, so I wasn't quite sure what about the movie would lead you to dislike it. It was more just a strong gut reaction.

But if I had to take a stab at it, I would say that it seems you normally don't tend to like movies which generate near instantaneous popular cult followings. And I don't think you're as much of a fan of the sort of dorky, awkward humor like that found in Napoleon Dynamite. You seem to be more a fan of quick, witty banter (a la Arrested Development) as opposed to slower dialog that relies on quirkiness and awkwardness for humor. And what normally bugs people about the movie is that the dialog is slow and not much happens... it's not exactly an exciting movie; but I don't know if that would bother you or not. Also, you don't like The Goonies. I don't know how that ties in, but I felt it needed to be stated.

So those are the things that just popped into my head. But whatever.

 
At 11:20 PM, August 10, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

Hmm, I had the strong feeling that it was because I had actually said to you guys that I thought it was a piece of crap, but I may be wrong. If i haven't, please indulge me: it's a piece of crap.

 
At 3:54 PM, August 14, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I am so honored to have been remembered so vividly and abusively by my good friend Evan and the rest of you boneheads. The lists for the rest of you have also been fantastic but I am sure there are several stories which have been left out. Apparently nobody wants to recall Evan puking out of a taxi after seeing Phil Tunk and the Sands perform at Barrister Hall a few years ago. Somebody needs to make a list of Evan moments and it needs to happen soon. Cave

 

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