Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Allow myself to answer ... myself

Here goes...

1.) What is the worst DVD/video you own?
Okay, the question specifically ruled out spousally-owned videos and DVDs, and I'm going to count "fiancee" as an equivalent to "spouse." As such, the question has become much harder to deal with (otherwise, such luminaries as "From Justin to Kelly," "Glitter," "Teen Witch," "Heavyweights," "Cats & Dogs," "Crossroads," and "Simply Irresistable" would be in play. Yes, I am completely serious).

My problem with answering this question is ... I mean, I generally only GET movies when I like them, and if I like something, I generally have some appreciation for the film's merit, artistic or otherwise, no matter how dubious others may seem about it (cough cough, "The Way of the Gun," cough). As a result, I don't really feel that I own too many terrible awful no-good very bad movies. And I can't count "Manos: the Hands of Fate," because it's the MST3K version, not the real abomination. That's why I guess I have to go with "Armageddon," which I got as a birthday gift from my aunt and uncle one year, and still haven't watched. Yep. Never seen it.
Runner-up: I recently taped a movie on TCM that's supposed to be all OMGClassic, called "Peeping Tom." It was a piece of balls.

2.) What is the worst concert you've ever seen in person?
This is also very difficult to answer, because I've been to such an astonishingly small number of concerts, and the ones I've gone to have all been bands that I really really liked at the time. But I guess I have little doubt that my least favorite one ended up being Smashing Pumpkins, somewhere around late-'96 or early-'97. The Pumpkins are one of those bands who just go up there and play their songs, with little-to-no variation from the recorded versions. Also, there's approximately zero between-song banter, because the band was apparently Billy Corgan and three mutes. Seriously, when Billy Corgan has the most engaging personality in your band, you are a BORING bunch of motherfuckers. It didn't help that Fountains of Wayne (or, as we dubbed them, "Fountains of Lame" - HAR!) opened up for them, and were just as boring and do-nothing, except with worse songs. Also, during that tour, the Pumpkins were fond of closing with "Porcelina of the Vast Oceans" and just ... going where the song took them. Sounds great in theory and everything, yeah. But when the "closing number" turns out to be a half-hour jam session of a song that you guess is pretty good but aren't that crazy about, it gets tedious. Fast. And then long. And then ... nevermind. Not even the sudden and inexplicable presence of Jimmy From The Frogs running around the stage and jumping off the amps during "1979" could save this shitty shitty evening.
Runner-up: the single worst recording artist I've ever seen live has to be Sean Lennon, but he doesn't get the top spot here because he was the opener-opener of a concert where Ben Folds Five was the opener and Beck was the headliner. So Seany-boy only got warble around the stage and suck for about five songs, and was far less painful.

3.) What is the worst experience you've ever had at a restaurant?
Like Evan, I just have nothing here. I don't get all pissy when a waitress takes too long to refill my drink, or when some server gets my order wrong. Being polite and respectful generally cures all ills in those situations. I'm sure that I've had some kind of shitty restaurant experience, but for the life of me I can't think of one. Sorry.

4.) What is the worst movie you've ever seen in the theater?
The same thing applies as for 1. and 2. I am such a cheap bastard that I tend to only drop some coin for something I really want to see. That being said, the movie that I remember being really really REALLY wrong about going in was "The Avengers." I loved the old TV show, and used to watch it on Friday afternoons on A&E before going down to the ol' high school's weekly slaughter at the hands of ... pretty much everyone. And the big-budget movie version had Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, and Sean Connery as the villain. And it. Was. HORRIBLE. Probably the closest I've ever come to walking out of a theater during a movie.
Runner-up: Somehow when Ferg worked at the Star, he convinced us to go see "Bordello of Blood." This was, as you may have guessed, an exceedingly poor decision. But Ferg got us in for free, so blah blah gifthorse mouths blah.

5.) What is the worst book you've actually finished?
Like Evan, I will put down shitty books when I am reading them of my own volition. So the worst book I have ever completely finished is Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, by James Joyce. I had to read it for a freshman English course at OSU, and the professor was obsessed with that stream-of-consciousness bullshit and made us read several books in that style (it bears mentioning that two of the other books, To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf and Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston, would each rank above Portrait if I had actually bothered to finish reading them. But the pain was too great, and I was able to bullshit my way into A-minuses on the papers anyway, so everyone was happy. Wait, except for me, 'cause I had to read some of the ... dammit). Portrait is essentially a story with no plot, and it's told in a stream-of-consciousness style which makes pretty much every sentence and paragraph an utter chore to get through. Other than that, you know, it was awesome. Except not.

6.) Who is the worst-looking or least-appealing celebrity you would have intimate relations with "just to tell the story"?
Well, I'm assuming I can't pull a Dave Chappelle and go with Oprah. Hmm. This is tough, because the literal reading of the question leads me to believe that the answer should imply that there is NO UGLIER celebrity you would throw down with ... in other words, "who's the bottom-of-the-barrel in doable celebrities," and that's territory that I'm not totally sure I'm emotionally ready to delve into. So I'll go the Evan and Al route and throw out a "celebrity" I'd totally get with while others probably wouldn't: Holly Rowe. I don't understand it, I don't pretend to understand, and I hope I never understand it, because the mystery is just too much fun. I'd totally go for some spank from Holly Rowe.

Have I said too much?


At 11:37 AM, March 02, 2006, Blogger Torgonator said...

You and Kristin should be proud to own a copy of From Justin to Kelly. Any movie that includes a scene with two guys in a hovercraft-riding, bean-bag-tossing joust competition to settle a dispute is immediately a classic in my book. I still don't know why you guys couldn't finish the movie...

At 11:54 AM, March 02, 2006, Blogger Jack Fu said...

Mostly because my eyes were bleeding.


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