Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Smile Like You Meme It

Let me first say that I ran into two Miami Heat players at lunch today: Jason Kapono and Michael Doleac. Apparently they're staying at the Ritz Carlton near the office I work at in Boston. I gave them directions to Quizno's. So... yeah.

On to the responses...

1.) Anyone who knows my movie collection knows that I seek movies that I find to be either really good or really bad. The "worst" videos in my book are the ones that are extremely mediocre because they are neither good enough nor bad enough to be interesting.

By the classic definition, the worst video I own is very likely Zantar: The Thing from Venus - a movie I walked out of halfway through. I will, however, add the caveat that the worst movie I have in my possession may be "Island of the Dead" - a movie that I borrowed from Phil about two years ago and have refused to watch because I'm so scared of it. One of these days I'll find out how bad it really is.

But since the question clearly indicates that the worst movie is the most embarassing one in the collection, I would have to offer up Shaft (2000). I received it as a gift from a well-intentioned but misguided roommate in college. I hate to diss the movie since it was a gift from a good guy who meant well by it, but unfortunately the gift didn't work out. I hadn't seen the movie before he gifted it to me, so I watched it, trying in earnest to like it but I just couldn't find a way to enjoy it. I've held on to the video out of respect to my friend.

Anyone who knows my movie collection also knows how anal retentive I am about alphabetizing my movies. As evidence of my shame, Shaft (2000) is the one movie that does not get alphabetized; it gets put in another section simply to minimize its visibility. It doesn't hide per say, but it is certainly out of the way.


2.) The worst concert I've ever seen was Cake. It's not even close. Now, I like Cake. And I had free tickets to see them because a friend of mine bought them. They played the Agora Theater in Cleveland in 1999. I was willing to give Cake a lot of leeway with their performance because I wasn't enthralled with their music (so I wasn't super anxious to see them) and because I was seeing the show for free. So I was interested but my expectations weren't jacked up.

The performance was boring and John McCray is a dick. The band played well technically but the performance was less than inspired... almost monotonous. The band members stood in place and played their instruments without a smile and virtually without any movement that might possibly show emotion. I could have just as easily have heard the same exact song by listening to the CD. John McCray sang like he was doing us a huge favor by not walking off the stage. They said almost nothing to the audience all evening, but when John did talk it made me angry. I don't remember the specific words he said since I've tried to block the concert from my memory, but I seem to recall that he said something about how he doesn't give a rat's ass about Cleveland and couldn't care less that he was there playing for us. And he did say something about not liking your momma. I distinctly remember that.

After the concert I was so amazed at how bad it was that I made a point of finding other people I knew who had seen Cake perform live. I was encouraged (I guess) to find that pretty much everyone else had the same reaction: the concert was boring and John McCray is a dick. One friend told me that she had seen them perform in Columbus maybe five years ago now and that they were opening up for a different band (don't remember who). She was there to see the other band but she likes Cake so she and her friend showed up early to watch them. They ended up in right in front of the stage when Cake was playing. Cake played a lot of their popular stuff from Fashion Nugget and the crowd was generally moving to the songs and singing along. Cara did not; she was digging the music but didn't feel the need to sway or sing along. Apparently this upset John McCray. After they finished one of their songs, he called her out and asked her why she even showed up if she didn't know any of their songs. She said he seemed completely serious. What a dick...


3.) I don't really have any good stories about poor restaurant experiences. The worst I have is when I went through the Taco Bell drive thru and they told me they ran out of beef and chicken. But that was more strange than frustrating.

So I'll flip the question and list some good restaurant experiences: Todd, Cave, Jeff, and I hot-saucing each other in the Taco Bell near Findlay, OH (so much happened in that one Taco Bell experience); Nipsey gagging himself with a t-shirt in the back of Jack's car in the Taco Bell drive thru after the scavenger hunt; and the first time we ate Pizza Papalis.


4.) The worst movie I ever saw in theaters is a toss-up between Cabin Boy and Waterworld. Cabin Boy at least made me chuckle a couple times, but was mostly worthless. And NOTHING HAPPENED in Waterworld. What a waste of time.


5.) I never finish a bad book - I simply can't read if I'm not interested. So any book I have finished is a book is one I think is good anyways, so I won't bother really answering this question.


6.) This is a tough question. There are so many celebrities and I don't really have a mental pecking order defined, so I'm just going to pick one that sounds good. I'll say Tara Reid. Her voice is kinda raspy, she's a mental wreck, and her breasts are a disaster. But on the plus side she's an alcoholic. I wouldn't call her ugly, especially since I think she cleans up pretty well, but the problem is that she doesn't stay clean for long. And I figure that a night with her has got to involve some craziness that would make for a good story.

5 Comments:

At 7:06 PM, March 01, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I happened to see Cake 8 months ago in Columbus for only $5! It was a great show. Maybe they've loosened up. One of my comedian friends (Chad Dubrule) said that after seeing them live they were his new favorite band. I really liked their unique sound and stage presence. He opened with Building a Religion and all it took was simple arm movements to make it really seem cool. Maybe I'm just a sucker for unique stage presi. I also like Aaron Lewis' low energy stage persona.

And now, to beat a dead horse...I care for neither of these teams but look at this...

The Wildcats, though, are coming off their fourth straight road loss, 68-55 at Penn State on Saturday. Free throws were the difference, as Northwestern missed all three of its attempts while the Nittany Lions went 20-for-26.

I finally watched my tape of the gold medal curling match between Canada and Finland. Thoroughly disappointed that Finland gave up 6 (should have been 7) in one end!

 
At 7:07 PM, March 01, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh and I never like to me anonymous. Forgot my name...

Rob
of RobDurhamComedy.com

 
At 7:08 PM, March 01, 2006, Blogger Jack Fu said...

I fucking hate Jason Kapono. You tell him that next time you see him. You say "Jack hates you and thinks you suck. Those UCLA teams with you and Earl Watson and JaRon Rush always underachieved; you faggots couldn't even beat those overrated Stanford teams with Casey Jacobsen and the dick in his ass. YOU SUCK."

You tell him that.

Also, I kind of lack SHAFT 2000.

 
At 7:11 PM, March 01, 2006, Blogger Jack Fu said...

Also, that should say "I kind of like SHAFT 2000," but I'm an idiot. Yeah.

 
At 10:59 AM, March 02, 2006, Blogger Torgonator said...

Rob - Well I'm glad that you enjoyed the Cake show. It's definitely possible that they've lightened up over the last few years. I still like the band and their music so I'm glad they're putting on a better show now. Maybe John McCray was PMSing at my show.

Jack - Yeah, Shaft (2000) wasn't a horrible movie. For me it just seemed utterly forgettable. But maybe it's better than I remember - I only watched it that one time.

And I'll see if I can find Jason Kapono today before he leaves town. If necessary, I'll deliver your message with a few snaps and a healthy dose of sass.

 

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