Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I need friends

I'm watching the OSU game by myself, but now I can share it with you instead of yelling at Terwilliger by myself. The game was going to be on ESPNHD but thank goodness it's not as Oden would probably look as old as Gene Keady or Teri Hatcher. I'm calling it now, Florida will lose tonight. I know you'll think I just added this if it actually happens, but I swear on my bag of dirt from the 31-16 '98 game.

18:00 --Neither team is scoring and they're blaming the cold air in the arena. I'll let you know how cold it really is as soon as they show the cheerleaders.

15:00-ish: Oden is taken out and we're playing zone just to toy with Purdue..HA HA more like PURDON'T! (My stuffed animal refuses to high five me for that one).

10-ish...I can't go and take a piss without us giving up consecutive baskets.

6:04-While I know they seem proud to use the term "Coffin Corner" every time we trap in our zone, I wonder if anyone else used the phrase "Bullshit Phantom Foul" for the one Oden just picked up. You know, we should do some research and see if officials call more fouls on the away team in the Big Ten. What's that? Oh...I invite you to the archives.

4:00ish Someone else just streaked by Terwilliger. Since Oden should be in the NBA can we give him 6 fouls per game? Ahh, Florida is losing by 10! I'm amazing. The Hoosiers could do us a favor tonight as well. I know their sorority whores are good for it! (stuffed animal just folds arms and nods in disagreement)

1:34 Terwilliger travels before he misses a 4 footer...then just bats a potential defense rebound to Purdue. He does that a lot.
Note to Butler: God made you black for a reason, dunk the fucking ball on a fast break! ...Butler then pulls up for a 3 instead of getting the last shot, misses.

Random halftime thoughts: Can you imagine what Linda Cohn would look like waking up with no makeup on? If her face was a classic children's book it would be A Wrinkle in Time. Purdue fans are having a "blackout" for the game. The Ohio State campus has one of those every year in the middle of May. (stuffed animal's jaw drops, he wasn't there) I WAS!

Living in St. Louis I get to see fun local promotions for the's how the commercial goes. It's grainy footage with garage band 2.1 guitar music. A strip club voice says a word every few seconds and it goes a little something like this, "" then a yedi streaks across the court.

Notice how little bench space there is on our bench. We're a Big 10 huge ass program and it looks like we're at a high school arrangement. One time when I played sat varsity basketball I had to sit in the second row of the bench for the first half.
I'm going to go check my car for "oil sludge" and then get ready for the 2nd half.

Beginning of 2nd half: Lavin next to Keady, I'm ready for the argument about which is the best direction to plaster your hair.

Keady once told John Sanderson he would be a big time player some day. No wonder he couldn't recruit all that well. (Please don't waste your time pointing out all of his good recruits, that wasn't the point of that phrase)

What's up with the Purdue mascot...look at him over there, tapping his feet all nervous like. Which cheerleader did he molest?
17:45 Butler lays up another half assed attempt, luckily no one is near. Florida down 11 at the half. I notice our guys like to shoot "the runner."

15:54 That's 3 fouls on Greg. Perhaps that earlier toying was coaching experience. Really a dumb foul. The good news is Keady is going back to his seat. I hope this burning sensation on my lap is from my computer. (stuffed animal rolls eyes). More commercials, I guess this monkey campaign is ending for careerbuilder.
Our team without Oden in gives me that scary "oh shit" feeling like when Steve Bellisorry would roll out to pass. Apparently Greg had a funeral today though...stages of grief are shock, denial, anger, fouling, acceptance. You're almost there Greg.

Our 7'1'' high school recruit had 29 rebound and 30 points the other night. The campus skyline could have twin towers 2 really tall guys next year. (this blog is awful, it needs a hot girl)

13:00--An over the back call against us. That could be THE type of foul that the home team always gets. It gets a lot of crowd response. Shit, Florida is coming back.

11:55 --Lavin, "Cook has an NBA type game." Which means he refuses to get on balance before a shot. Ron Lewis sure looks a lot better at Worthington Summer League schooling 40 year olds like Tony White.

Oden returns...

I'm waiting for stat to pop up about how much they've outscored us while Terwilliger is in because now that he's deep on the mini-bench, we're back up to a 13 point lead. White guys only screw up our offensive rhythm.

8:09--Hoosiers are up by 5! And as we go into the under 8 timeout Thad is bitching to the ref about what could be a number of things. Maybe he heard about this blog and how unfunny it's turning out to be. (stuffed animal finally agrees with me on something) Time to spice it up a bit...
This is my friend, Maggie aka "Wild Child" who will be modeling my t-shirts in the near future. Don't worry, I'll be whoring those out soon. This game seems to be under control but I'm not going to jinx it by pissing again. "No Brent, don't talk about football." Let's talk about NFL, did the bottom line just say 30% chance of rain for the Super Bowl? Hell yeah! Bears are looking better ---WHOA! ODEN JUST BLOCKED A SHOT AND BROKE LANDRY's finger! Not really, but he should have.

5:20--we're up 12, sure why not fire up a three from the corner...gees. Sticking with our Super Bowl theme. Remember how many Patriots it took to tackle the fridge? That's what Oden's supposed travel just looked like. He got revenge he Patrick Ewing's a ball because he can. More early 80's references after the break. But first we'll refuse to play smart and not eat the clock up.

There's talk of bonus coverage for that Indiana game. We have the ball for a minute and only fire up a 3 from the corner. Oden just missed the rim from 3 feet. Call a time out Thad, at least they'll be a minute older when they continue.

We inbound using our play known as "Let them almost steal it." Thad holds up 4 fingers to run that one. Purdue, down 10 with under 2 minutes, decides to teach our boys how to burn clock...thanks! (stuffed animal is sweating the spread...not the score, just on the number of times I reference him).

1:10--that should do it. Unless Drew Brees comes in, we're not blowing this lead. Onto the Indiana game! Don't foul!

Is "exclamation point" the most overused term in announcing?


At 12:18 PM, February 01, 2007, Blogger Jack Fu said...

Since Evan, Jeff, and I were at the bar playing Name That Tune, we only caught bits and pieces of the game, but there were a few things we definitely noticed:

1.) Every time I acknowledged that the team was doing well, we would immediately give up at least four points. Examples included "Hey, we stretched the lead to 8! (immediate 5-point run by Purdue)" and "Holy crap, I didn't realize we were up 13! (Purdue cuts it back down to six or seven in about 50 seconds)." Eventually, I wasn't allowed to say anything about the game. Except...

2.) ... for that ridiculous Oden block. That one yanked an "OHHHHHH" out of me, while everyone else was then like "Wha? Wha happen'?" And then they saw it and they all went "OHHHHHH" too. I enjoy having that mass of humanity on our team.

3.) Mike Conley threw down a two-hand dunk that blew my mind. I knew the little guy could dunk, but I didn't know he could do it like that. Good times.

4.) Sideshow Matt seems to be playing much worse than he did before Oden got healthy. Back in November he was a solid "hustle guy" ("is white") who plays "unselfish" ("never gets passed the ball") and "does all the little things, like set screens and play hard-nosed position defense" ("is untalented"). Now he's just worthless. Give Hunter all of his minutes, and let's get a little high-low action going.

I suppose it doesn't need to be pointed out that we WON Name That Tune, either, does it? FEAR THE OMEGA!!!!!

At 1:01 PM, February 01, 2007, Blogger Torgonator said...

That was a great post! Very well done - I thoroughly enjoyed it. You should do more Stream of Consciousness coverage. And make sure that stuffed animal is helping you out. Very funny stuff and pretty good analysis.

Also, the OMEGA SHOULD ALWAYS BE FEARED! Preferably by Broodwich.

At 6:10 PM, February 01, 2007, Blogger The Dur said...

Conley's dunk was that one after the whistle, right? It was pretty amazing. We can beat the Badgers at home right? Notice how I left out the fact that Purdue only shot 5 free throws.


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