Wednesday, January 10, 2007

"They look like good strong hands...Don't they?"

I guess what hurts the most is knowing that I was wrong for the last few months, from the time that the first poll came out that declared we were the greatest. All of that wrong wrong wrong. So each of you watched the game in a different setting. Some of us with friends at a bar, some of us alone (Reader Wise), and some of us flew out there just to be a part of the fun. After returning to work today wearing all black I had a hard time smiling about anything.

It's hard to come back to work after having fifty-one four days off. With school children taunting you all day it becomes even worse because when they're nine you can't tell them to go fuck themselves. So here it is...The Dur's trip to Arizona, complete with pictures, some cropped for poorly attempted comedic effect. The good thing about this blog is that I leave most of the game out of it.

I flew Southwest and left at 7:00 am Saturday morning. St. Louis has a big OSU following so there were quite a few red sweatshirts waiting. Apparently getting there at 5:55 (thanks Andra) still doesn't earn an "A" boarding pass so I was shuffled to the back of the jet. At 8:25 we arrived in Dallas to get on a new plane. I went to an ATM to withdraw $200 figuring that if I took it out in chunks, it wouldn't feel like I would be blowing as much on a ticket should the price fall to a reasonable level. The first two Buckeyes I talked to were bragging how they got a deal for $1100 each. A ticket was out of the question for me and suddenly I had $200 cash for drinking money instead. The first Florida person I saw looked to be an ogress one of their volleyball players. Close...It was the sister of their tight end "Casey." Let's just say she wasn't living up to her brother's position (rimshot).

The next guy was speaking Floridian mumbling about the SEC and had a strong resemblance to Leatherhead from Ninja Turtles. He was ranting about how weak the Big Ten was. Too tired to argue and distracted by the 2 teenage girls who cut in front of me and had faces that made Adam Morrison's shoulders seem clear, I took the high road (which I won't be doing much on this blog) and said nothing. The next shitty news was that we had yet another stop in El Paso. That explained the family in front of me who looked like they had just gotten off the boat out of the tunnel. I looked down on El Paso as we took off. Remember playing Sim City? Did you ever wonder what would happen if you made a town of all industrial zones? Answer: El Paso. We finally got a real snack after tolerating the mini-breakfast bars on the first two legs. Peanuts. 2 bags! F your allergies, geeks! Just waiting on my drink because "these pretzels peanuts are making me thirsty." DING: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, we're gonna ask that the flight attendents sit down as we've hit a rough patch." No OJ for me. Even though we're all buckled in and shaking like next summer's sequel "Michael J Fox on a Plane" the flight attendants are trying to keep us calm with cheers. "OK ya'll...O-H!" Hearing the O-H in a southern accent is like hearing Rosie give weightloss tips. Someone gave them a dancing Brutus so they played the fight song over the PA. I looked over at the Florida people...Surely it will get worse for them. It cleared up and we flew over the mountains while I thought to myself, "Why don't I live in a place with amazing landscapes? Oh yeah, Mountaineers don't
win championships." (If you're wondering, yes I now think with lines in my everyday life)

Night Life: Arizona's restaurant's were great--Mexicans aren't just for the kitchen, everyone. I did see something that baffled me...Lots and lots of fat girls with implants. Why? That's like a 165 lb. guy me getting my stomach stapled. If you have a fe G's to burn on surgery, try lypo first. Moving on...The highways were 5 lanes each way and lined with Achtung Baby's Joshua Trees and everything was 40 minutes away. We drove to Tempe on Sunday and found a table on a balcony at Gordon Biersch. After a few drinks I switched to double Jim Beam's with Sprite...after learning those were $9.50 I went back to drinking biersch.

I saw a guy in a Longhorns jacket in the restroom and complimented him on how nice everyone was down in Austin. He asked if we would cover the 6 1/2 points. I assured him we would, so he explained how he and his buddies just like to go to major sporting events and be "Texas gamblers." "How much are you putting on us?"

"About thirty grand." Flush.

Anyone have any idea how cold it gets in the desert? You'd better have a blanket on that horse with no name because 10 minutes after sunset that giant sun you always see on the weather map puts on a pair of nipples. Hoodies unite! That's my friend Deirdre who lives in the apartment I stayed at, plus she helped with photos.

Florida was outnumbered 10-1 but the few we talked to said they all went downtown to the classy places instead of Tempe. I told the people arrogance was our job, not theirs. On our way to another bar down the street some Arizona State students pulled up next to us and proclaimed that we sucked and next year they would be champions. Was this a plant? Finally a chance to unleash sports history 101 on them! "'97 Rose Bowl bitches! Jake the Snake ruined Denver! David Boston from Joe Ger--shit they're u-turning at us--Run!"

I see why everyone is moving to Phoenix though with such promising small businesses popping up everywhere.

The rest of the night was spent at the low key bar where only the locals were hanging out. They had 4 cats there so I sat with one. His name was Thomas and he purred. My girlfriend told me not to go near any...blah blah you know where this joke is going.

My friend Sally (who also lives at apartment) drove me home. 41 minutes feels like 2 hours when you're trying to stay awake. I snapped my head back trying to stay awake and upright or "Kennedy-ing" as I call it.

GameMonday: Finally! On Sunday we ran into a guy who probably wanted to sleep with Deirdre was helpful and mentioned we could sign up for a shuttle from his Ramada before the game. He got my number, placed the 12:50 reservation, and we were set for only $8 a person. It was just down the street from the apartment so we walked, aaaand of course it was the wrong Ramada. Take a guess as to how that conversation went. The shuttle driver called us and let us book it for an hour later. We found the correct Ramada and we were on our way. I've had nice cab drivers but this guy gave us cans of beer during the ride! Glorious. He dropped us off and we were on our way to sit on my throw as the...past the parking lots when I noticed an interesting sign. There were a ton of parking lots open right by the stadium. It wasn't like the limited situation just outside the Shoe, there were thousands right there. So could parking cost that much?!

Yes, yes it can and did! The $8 cab ride with beer was well worth it.
I kind of felt like part of the Evil Empire walking around the area. Florida people looked scared almost. We somehow ended up in line with their band behind the stadium. Their whole cheerleading crew was screaming, "There he is, Rob Durham! THE Dur is here! Did you hear he should get 2nd in the Stew picks?"

They demanded I sneak into this picture with other random OSU strangers. Finally, I could deliver the pictures of the Florida girls you so desperately wanted, needed to make this blog interesting. But alas, just because they're wearing Florida gear does not make them hot...

No my friends...Have you ever gone to that candy store called, "Mr. Bulky's?" Well, this would be his daughter. Other possible linemen pulling double duty included these other flag girls...

Notice the one who was instructed to hold a flag in front of herself all day. Those were velvet pants...goodbye Florida band budget.

"So Dur, what about our ladies? Did we have anything going on?" Yes. It cost $20 to watch the game on the big screen outside. Kind of a rip off but oh well, it's the title game. They can't put a damper on pregame festivities no matter who the band is...Oh gees. Shu-cking Bu-bba De-lux?

This band is like Blessed Union of Souls doing cover songs and crying for whores to come on stage with them, only one of which is okay to do in my book. He's not dressed like that to compliment Tressel, no, he would normally wear that vest and collar in the Arizona sun.

"The whores Rob, GET TO THE WHORES!" Okay, Miss Lovznuts took care of that...

This tramp was on stage for about 2 songs and the little girls knew to clear off. You want


This is why men around America still try to learn the chords to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" because as ALL of you already guessed, that's what was being played. I hope you enjoy these as I try to explain to my girlfriend why I had to get these shots for the sake of bloggerism. If you copy these, don't blow up the face, it'll ruin it.

We got up near the screen for the pregame and even found my brother's ex-girlfriend who I sat with during the 2004 loss at Northwestern. Perhaps we're bad luck together. The game itself was fun for exactly 14 seconds of regulation. It was like doing doing shots, but being forced to take them. Great at first and then it just feels like abuse. The first one was fun and ohh, here comes the second? But I wanted to enjoy the first--A third! Shit stop it! Ouch--quit yelling in my face! ...Speaking of things related to domestic violence, a couple of the Florida guys bumped into us and the girls around me. I went over to one and demanded he come back, apologize and not touch us again. Gees, I turned into that guy. For the first time in my life another man (who was bigger) was actually intimidated by me not accepting the open invitation to kick my ass. I composed myself and stood there with the other discouraged Buckeyes. Some Fl-whorida (you already did that whore thing earlier, Dur) girl was sporting a t-shirt that implied that they had t-shirts almost as crude as ours...

Yes, go F ourselves indeed. By breaking the foot of our own player (I assume most of you got that FWD, thanks Roy Hall). This girl yelled something about Cuban power, so I yelled back, "Oh, you won the NCAA in swimming too?" That never really happened but I wish it would have.

The next day at the airport was even more painful. The airport gift shops had Florida t-shirts already printed up WITH THE SCORE OF THE GAME! Probably made them out of recycled shirts that we wasted. I prayed that Texan who bet $30,000 didn't find me. I'll admit, I didn't wear any OSU gear either. I didn't want anyone to say anything to me because I wanted to snap back and be a dick about losing. In fact, I was waiting near a sports bar in the terminal when some people said, "You, you're a huge Buckey fan." I claimed, "No, not me." Then once again, another group, "We saw you at the game in red." "Sorry, not I. I would not care about the game." Finally a third accusation came, "Yes, he was one of the followers of Brutus!"

I said, "I swear to you, I don't know what you're talking about." Just then Stuart Scott yelled out, "Boo-yah!" on Sportscenter and I realized what I had done. Shame, shame, shame.

It still hurts. I've never taken a loss so hard in my life.

Thanks again to my friends Sally and Deirdre for a fun weekend.


At 4:18 PM, January 13, 2007, Blogger Jack Fu said...

Awesome and funny ... in a depressing kind of way. Ugh.

At 1:46 PM, January 15, 2007, Blogger Al said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit, but it's not because of the blog or OSU...I'm getting my beach bod ready for SPRING BREAK! WOO! Say goodbye to these (flashing man-boobs)!


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