Monday, February 05, 2007

Durham's '07 continues to shine

(note: Rob has been a Bears fan since he was 8 years old...he takes them very seriously and this game meant the world to him...he's writing this note in the third person but will be very open throughout the blog)

They say in baseball that it's bad luck for the pitcher to strike out the side in the first inning. After last night's game I now believe it's bad luck for a team to run the opening kickoff back (even if they don't break his foot in celebration).
Join me as I recall another account of my heart being ripped out...

I started watching CBS coverage as soon as ESPN switched to it's usual "Fuck it, no one's watching" program schedule... a.k.a. figure skating. Why was there a story on Heinz Ward and his Korean roots only 2 hours before kickoff? Last year's leftover segments?

I haven't cried from a Bears game since 1987, after a playoff loss. However, I was quite emotional BEFORE the game. Seeing what could happen just somehow made up for all of those years (the last 20) that I've been teased, mocked, and made fun of for being a Bears fan. Kids were mean and I didn't always have thick skin. Overcome with emotion, I realized it was best to stay home for this one.

As I mentioned the game started with a touchdown jinx. The commercials sucked as well. Glad to see Tracy Morgan's biggest credit is 1 line in a sierra Mist commercial.

As the Colts scored I thought of this point to make...sure AFC you might have all the best teams, good QB's, but your holders are bad too. AFC leads that final season total 2-1 in screwed up holds.

I think about 6 more commercials featured something getting hit at the very end, a guy throws a cellphone rock at his buddy. Hmm, we've seen this before. FedEx dumbs theirs down again as well.

(here comes the first Tecmo reference)
The Bears caused a fumble on a running play by meeting the back before the handoff. They knew that the Colts selected "Run 2" and so the defensive cord. told Urlacher "down and 'a' button!" so they caused and recovered the fumble.

I admire the companies that say, "We're not even going to write a new commercial, you may remember this one from long ago, we don't care, suck it Pepsi!"
Schick did that. The rest went through a gay theme including Snickers. And did I see a movie about black swimmers? I guess it's been a few months since our last feel good black movie. None of them will compare with Cool Runnings though, try as they might. Carlos Mencia made an appearance doing more material he didn't write.

As it started to Purple rain I was happy. Not because of an advantage, but more for the fans who didn't deserve to be there. I imagine somewhere there was some rich douchebag that got a first date a ticket so she'd put out. That may have been common. Or perhaps a child who didn't even understand the game of football and his father was trying to compensate for all of the business trips and little league games he had missed. I hope they were miserable.

Next topic: David fucking Spayde. "Hi, I get to play the sleezy smartass guy for a few more years until this red hair turns white. Look at how I'm a foot and a half shorter than all the other actors. Remember the early 90's? Remember all the credit card ads I had to do taking roles from up and coming actors just trying to make it? Now watch me dance around like the oversarcastic ass I have grown aged into."
I really wish it had been Spayde instead of Michael J. Fox.

By the 2nd quarter I don't think it was the commercials that were bothering me as much as the idea that there are still people out there laughing at these commercials, "HOLY SHIT DID THAT DOG JUST WINK!!!" We haven't seen that shit 200 times before. The computer animation still sucks.

Doritos...I'm guessing the people who submitted ads were quite pissed at the ones who really made it. A fat white checkout clerk flirts with...a skinny white guy? Yeah, realistic. (Shit, Rob isn't taking this loss too well and it's coming out in this blog)

Next Chevy commercial...gay...again.

CBS's $100,000 cameras fogged up like the windshield of my Escort for the rest of the first half. Use a hanky you bitches!

Next commercial theme: beating the shit out of everyone...face slaps, "ohhh wa ha ha, what if that really happened! He hit his boss!" I still cringe at how many people I KNOW are talking about what if they did this at their office today. I hope your water coolers have AIDS.

Did the Colts special teams just act cocky for squibbing it and making the tackle at the 37? Yes, they fucking did. The 37.

Commercial break number #54...Coke uses "it's" instead of "its" when referring to #42. Nice job morons.

Coors light fails to make a Super Bowl commercial...Diddly Poo could have been used!

Some Hog movie with 5 guys from early 90's sitcoms...dorks every where look at each other, "We HAVE to see THAT!"

I can tell this game isn't going well as I'm cheering way too hard at an incomplete pass. This game feels familiar. We can't stop shit. I pause game, check on Grossman's status and it says, "poor." Fumbles next play.

Next commercial features black people around the country watching the game...yeah, this is great for African Americans everywhere! Look how happy they are! Until you realize that none of them have cable...they all still have bunny ears on their 18 inch black and white TV's. Somewhere Chuck D also notices and starts to write a song about it.

2 1/2 men...I think if you add Brook Shield's shoulders you can safely bump it up to 3 1/4 men.

halftime...Prince apparently needing to cover his hair from a piece of headwear I haven't seen since "A Different World" was on. How did those screaming whores get Super Bowl tickets?! They better shuffle them out after halftime back into the strip clubs they work in...I would also magically grant AIDS to them.

Prince sings a part of "All along the watchtower,"...I didn't know he was a Bengals fan. Wait, is he singing a Foo Fighters song? What was the deal on that? "Prince, if we can cover Darling Nikki, several years later we'll let you cover us in the Super Bowl." Makes sense.

I now realize I forgot to eat my supper...I have jello and 5 Sam Adams instead.
46-19 in total plays...good lord. I'm about to call it quits and put an even bigger frown on my face BUT HOW CAN I WHEN I SEE A COMMERCIAL WITH ANIMALS TALKING! WHAAA--those are LIONS!!!! They can't talk! But if they could I bet they'd say that! Thanks unoriginal jackass writers!
What happened to sex appeal? Only that company that sells addresses used it. Stupid families.

After the Bears field goal it would have been an obvious chance to onside kick it, but no, why try to gain momentum?

It was all downhill from there...I threw my notebook after Grossman started lobbing passes like Jeff George on the original Tecmo Bowl (highly inaccurate as he had a strong arm). In case you still have that game and want to win the Super Bowl as Chicago over Seattle, it's ABAFEFAB. So no more blog notes...instead I called a hotline from my employer and scheduled a therapy session. Sadly, I'm not kidding. I explained to the operator that the best part of my life was down 2 scores late in the 4th. He understood. I don't know how Bills fans did it. I can't imagine losing 4 in a row. This season has just been the ultimate letdown as far as football. I don't know how to think or feel about it other than pissed off. I WENT TO CHURCH YESTERDAY MORNING! Both of my teams open each championship game by returning a kickoff (both in 14 seconds) and somehow get their asses kicked.

What do I look forward to? OSU basketball? They've been playing kinda stupid well enough. I guess my therapist will help me figure out what it all means. Sorry, there are no hot chicks in this post.

I drank 5 of my 6 beers...I'm going to try and preserve #6 until the draft...I know. Hope will be restored then.

2 Comments:

At 3:26 PM, February 05, 2007, Blogger Cave said...

Hello Artist Formely Known as the Dur. If you know anything about music, then you would understand that some of the best music ever created was done by those in sufferage or despair. I feel that this "Super" bowel...that's right ...bowel...had just the right influence on you to produce such a hilarious blog. Well done sir. I am a Browns fan and therefore emotionally shut down during playoffs. I don't know what it must feel like to have your favorite team choke in such a big game...Oh wait..I'M AN OHIO STATE FAN..FUUUUCCKKK...ok let me just pop some Prozac real quick...ok there we go. Anyways, great work with the Tecmo reference. Those are always encouraged. And, yeah..the commercials, not impressed. Talking animals...WTF! extremely outdated. I think the only commercial that I didn't throw a Frito at the screen for was the GM commercial with the humanistic machine. That was original and it didn't attempt to say anything stupid. Speaking of stupid..I think if Sean Salisbury had a choice between his current job or being Payton Manning's all-time "Fluffer", i think he'd go with the Fluff. Well as much as I would like to continue this..I have to get back to work. Back to working with one of the premiere Division 1 schools in the country..Louisiana Tech. yipee.
Cave

 
At 4:02 PM, February 05, 2007, Blogger The Dur said...

I meant to write about how it's nice that company can use robots instead of fat, lazy Americans. Kudos to them!

 

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