Friday, December 23, 2005

VEGAS BABY, VEGAS : Hippies vs. Mormons

Okay, let me start out by stating that there is no way in hell my SOC is going to be nearly as long as Todd’s 4 part epic post about the Southern Miss/Arkansas State game. That post was long…and strong…and from what I could tell, down to get the friction on. And I think it bears repeating that Todd wrote a 4 part epic post about the Southern Miss/Arkansas State game. Take a couple seconds to digest that. If it wasn’t for my horse…

I should also point out that at 8:30 pm (about 30 minutes after kickoff) on the Deuce, #8 Oklahoma is taking on the now unranked Fighting Pittsnogles of West Virginia in some spicy hot college basketball action. I don’t think anyone involved with the MWB is going to have any problem with me occasionally checking in on Pittsnogle, the Gansey Man, and company and providing some commentary while I’m at it.

Okay, so here we are at the (Pioneer PureVision - is that 2 sponsors or one? I don‘t know and I don‘t care) Las Vegas Bowl. Where the winners get $50 worth of chips and a complimentary lap dance. The losers on the other hand will be muttering all the way home that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. They also get tickets to the Rita Rudner show. By the way I picked Cal in the pick ‘em dealy w/ a 26 confidence. (As many of you know, the Bears are inexplicably one of my favorite CFB teams.) As for a score, mmmm… let’s say 37-27 Cal. We’ll see.

Sean McDonough and Mike Gottfried are calling the game. I’m just glad it’s not Ron Fucking Franklin. Actually, since we’re in Vegas, I’m kinda surprised (and thoroughly disappointed) that Lon McEachern and Norm Chad aren’t calling the action. We’re totally missing the following exchange:
Lon: And this Cal drive has now lasted over 8 minutes.
Norm: I’ve had marriages that didn’t last that long.
Lon: (awkward laugh)

ESPN obviously made an unwise choice going with McDonough / Gottfried. Actually, in all seriousness, I love McDonough, so I’m pretty excited. Sorry to see the freakish Alex Flanagan roaming the sidelines though.

I was about to make a big joke about how funny it was sending a throng of Mormons to Vegas. The mismatched morals - comedy gold. Sounds like a fantastic reality show concept. But then McDonough just said that there are 130,000 Mormons in the greater Las Vegas area and that there are about 30,000 Mormons at Sam Boyd Stadium (Sam Boyd - sure why not?), which holds about 40,000 fans, regardless of their religion.
Then I realized that Vegas is perfect for Mormons. I mean, where else can a single Mormon dude go for one weekend and marry all 8 of his wives. (From what I hear there’s a lot of chapels in the Vegas.)

Okay - the names on Cal’s offense were TOTALLY generated by NCAA on EA Sports: Marshawn Lynch, Marvin Phillip, Ryan O'Callaghan, Steve Levy, Tony Manderino, Craig Stevens, Andrew Cameron, DeSean Jackson - Am I wrong here?

McDonough just described an unnecessary roughness violation on BYU as “really dumb”. I was amused, but I think you kinda had to hear how he said it.

With the help of that penalty and the fact that the opening kick went out of bounds, Cal scored pretty damn easily on the opening drive. All kinds of Marshawn Lynch, and its 7-0 Bears 3:04 into the game.

After a quick stop, Cal just roughed the punter, negating a 56 yd return. Fun. The sidelines @ Sam Boyd Stadium look like candy canes. That’s awfully festive.

OU-WVU’s just about to tip off from the OKC. Nessler & Francine Frischilla calling this one.
Did you know BYU’s coach is named Bronco Mendenhall?! That’s not a real name. EA couldn’t come up with something that good (well except for Austin Manley).

Eeep. WVU’s got no inside presence, and they’re down 11-2 already.

Cal QB Steve Levy is kind of on the Craig Krenzel plan, starting the season as a 3rd stringer, then making his first 2 starts against the big rival and then in a bowl game.

I just realized I have mayonnaise all over my leg.

First downs: Cal 8 BYU 1 - I like where this is headed.

So BYU’s got this like 500 lb. fat guy that they call “Lunchroom.” Bears a striking resemblance to that Southern Miss punter. Just kidding. He looks a more like Erin. (You had to know that one was coming…like Cave the night he slept with Erin.)

They just showed BYU QB John Beck’s sister, who is what McDonough calls a “Cougarette” (BYU cheerleader I guess?). Normal looking gal, but some hideous uniforms. Polar opposite of Southern Cal.

Meanwhile, BYU just BARELY got a 4th and 1 conversion @ about the Cal 40 yard line. Could be a Yooooge play in this first half.

HEY!!! Lavell Edwards is in the stands. Morticians are standing by.

So there’s an ESPN New Year’s Eve show. Look, I love sports more than 99.999% of the population, and even I think this is a bad idea.

The Fighting Pittsnogles have apparently settled down and the games tied 17-17 w/ 10 minutes gone. And they just compared Pittsnogle to Tim Duncan. Seriously. I am so wet right now.

Back to the Pioneer Poor Vision Las Vegas Bowl. It’s the start of the 2nd quarter and BYU’s put together a heck of a drive, and is in the proverbial red zone, knocking on the proverbial door, proverbially speaking.

Coming back from commercial they just showed BYU TB Curtis Brown saying welcome to the Las Vegas Bowl as he stands next to an Elvis impersonator (or WAS IT?) and a couple showgirls. Careful Curtis. You might be ineligible for the Rose Bowl now.

First play after that awkwardness… and a TD to CURTIS BROWN!!!! Amazing! Don’t worry Cal fans. That promo he just did will negate that. Maybe not. We’re tied 7-7 a minute into the 2nd quarter.

BYU hasn’t won a bowl game since 1996. Losers.

Hair Bear puts the ‘Neers up by 27-23. Now 30-23. That score is MWB-approved.

Back in Vegas, a 15 yard face mask and huge pass int. call puts Cal in position to score. I guess Cal’s plan is to just capitalize on all of BYU’s mistakes tonight.

HOT HOT HOT TD run by Marshawn Lynch. Bounced into and out of a pair of tacklers, and cut it back to the middle for a 23 yd score.

Please tell me someone else saw Lynch on the bench after that score. Here’s what he screamed at the top of his lungs:
“Shiny 7 days a week! Shiny 7 days a week! Shiny 7 days a week! HEY! HEY! Come over here Boy! Come over here Boy! (points to the Bears’ other TB, Justin Forsett) This is the boy right here.” Or something like that. I don’t speak that language.

Anyone else think it’s weird having a black guy with the last name ‘Lynch’? Todd? That’s like having a Jewish guy with the last name ‘In A Furnace’.

Cal’s 7 wins came against teams that were a combined 28-60. Yeah. Do the math. Gotta love the PAC-10.

And an INT for the Au Bears! (That’s a chemistry joke.) Great success!

Later on, more footage of the BYU squad w/ that Elvis impersonator, who looks nothing like Elvis but is a dead ringer for John Davidson. Probably is John Davidson actually.

And we have a review! Incomplete or a fumble? Not sure, but drunk Mike Gottfried just changed his mind and says it’s complete.
McDonough: “They’re using the Big Ten model.” Her name’s apparently Jack Vaughn. That’s gotta be a stage name.

Meanwhile halftime in OKC. WVU up 41-34. Didn’t watch much of the 1st half, but with a score like that, the Mountaineers may be getting priority soon.

BYU’s AD is named Tom Homo. And Sean McDonough made a point to emphasize his name 3 times in a 10 second span. Not kidding. And apparently he was Cal’s football coach before Tedford. How did I not know this?

Still in a review, 20 minutes later. Finally, its ruled incomplete. Gottfried was able to talk himself into the wrong call. Nice work.

Almost halftime ---- 7 carries - 60 yds - 2 TD for Marshawn Lynch. That’s pretty efficient.

AFLAC trivia question:
Before Tedford, who was the last Call coach to lead the Bears to 3 straight bowl appearances?
I’ll say it’s either Joe Kapp or that Homo guy. Probably should go with Kapp.
Answer: Pappy Waldorf 1949-51 Rose Bowls. I was soooooo close. Except I wasn’t.

As a Cal fan, I gotta tell you… that Steve Levy is really making me miss Aaron Rodgers. No comparison at all.

4:07 left in the 2nd quarter and McDonough FINALLY mentions that QB Steve Levy is of no relation to ESPN’s “talented” Steve Levy. I thought they would have said this on the very first drive, if not before.

BYU gets the ball back and IMMEDIATELY gets their 9th penalty, a holding call. Next play BYU’s John Beck totally just intentionally grounded a pass from his own end zone. No call. Urge to kill rising.

BYU is able to move the ball now, and if they ever decide to stop shooting themselves in the foot, Cal’s in trouble. And as soon as I write that, a 54 yd bomb for BYU - now down to the Cal 11. Cal’s DB just decided not to cover that guy. Thanks. I didn’t want to win the Bowl pick ‘em anyway. Next play: HOLDING on BYU!!! Delicious.

Huge 3rd & 2 on Cal’s 3 -- 42 seconds left in the half --- Cal calls timeout. (WVU 53 - OU 40)
TOUCHDOWN MORMONS!!! Actually it was some Samoan, who was BYU’s leading rusher in 1999. Yep, 1999. Oh wait, he’s from Tonga.

WOW!!!! CAL TOUCHDOWN with 4 seconds left!!!!! BYU’s secondary decided to stop playing 29:55 into the first half. It’s a 42 yard TD pass to DeSean Jackson! Wow. That has to be demoralizing to the Mormons. Alex Flanagan interviews BYU coach - ya know, with a name like Bronco Mendenhall, that guy’s pretty damn dull.

11 first half penalties for the Cougs. These penalties go to 11.

Okay, it’s halftime at the Pie And Ear Perv Vision Los Alamos Bowl. Now… should I watch Mark May and company in the studio or Kevin Pittsnogle on the deuce. Mark May. Pittsnogle. Mark May. Pittsnogle. I think I’m gonna have to go Pittsnogle. OU has cut it to 5 with 11 minutes left.

HA! Gansey makes a 3! 64-56

Hare Bare makes it a double digit lead again just before the under 8.

OU outrebounding WVA 24-15. Those are actually fantastic #s for the Mountaineers. If they’re that close in rebounding, they should be winning, which they are, so I guess I just proved my own point.

YES!!! Pittsnogle just nails an ill-advised 3 to make it 78-65 w/ 4:40 left. I liked that that happened.

Whoa - they did a closeup of Pittsnogle in a timeout and his hair’s starting to gray. I mean, just when I thought this guy couldn’t get any more likeable.

Huh. Nessler just said Herber’s on the German national team. So I guess it’s Her Behr. Or something like that.

Kickoff in the Lost Vegans Bowl. BYU gets it. Let’s see how they respond.

Huh. Curtis Brown went to a Catholic high school, but converted when he came to BYU and was “impressed” with the Mormons he met, according to Sean McD. Now I’m really rooting against him. Fucking traitor.

WV’s up 20 (that’s right 20!!!) with 1:44 left against OU in Oklahoma City. That’s just fucking awesome. The MWB salutes you! (92-68 final score)

Alex Flanagan looks like Frederique Venderwal’s awkward younger sister.

So… am I the only one who’s got the Seahawks over the Colts this weekend?

DeSean Jackson is spicy.

I wonder how the odds in Vegas were affected by the whole Dungy thing. How many points in the spread is a murder like that worth. 5 points? 5 and a half?

Lynch scores again on a 35 yd trot. He just dragged a couple Mormons the last 8 yds. 28-14 Bears! Huzzah!

But there’s still 10:47 left in the 3rd. This game’s not ending until 1 am. Thanks pass-happy offenses. Some of us still have to work tomorrow morning, you know.

Lynch now has 13 carries for 119 yds and 3 TDs. Not too shabby.

SOC it to me!!!!

Just flipped to the CSU-Navy game that‘s about to happen. Please Jackson, say something about the Rams’ pregame locker room chant. That was wild. Anyway, flexbone be damned, go Rams!

Wow, BYU simply cannot tackle. And Gottfried just said DeSean Jackson might be the best WR he’s seen all season. That’s quite a statement, but on the very next play he catches a 30 yarder in the back corner to put Cal up another score. Oh wait. It’s under review. That’s not a catch. Still, DSJ is making the Mormons look retarded. Wait - they call it a touchdown! The refs must hate Mormons. And who can blame them?! 35-14 !!! I’ll be winning the ESPN pick ‘em in no time.

Okay, this Cal-BYU game is starting to drag a little (and the Bears are totally in control now). Let’s take a short break from the sports-related. Have you ever clicked on that NEXT BLOG rectangle at the top of the screen? On the off chance that any of our 2 or 3 loyal readers haven’t, let me explain what happens. Blogspot jumps you to the most random blog imaginable. About 40% of the time, it’s in another language. About 100% of the time, it’s retarded. I just clicked on it a few seconds ago and here’s what popped up (ha ha - popped up):

Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Me and Hoolio 4
Enjoying a day at the zoo, April is surprised to find Hoolio doing the it.
posted by Ray Holleb at 7:02 PM 0 comments
Me and Hoolio 3
April and friend, Steven Scrumptious, invite Hoolio to a glorious day at the it.
posted by Ray Holleb at 6:50 PM 0 comments
Me and Hoolio 2
Hoolio stops by unexpectedly to borrow the ingredients to bake his own birthday it.
posted by Ray Holleb at 5:52 PM 0 comments
Me and Hoolio
Episode one of "Me and Hoolio" introduces April's strange neighbor as they take a walk it.
posted by Ray Holleb at 3:47 PM 0 comments

Sadly, I couldn’t get any of the movie links to work. Though I think the mystery of it all makes it even funnier. Oh, and I think it goes without saying that my ESPN pick set’s new name is ‘Steven Scrumptious’. Plus it’s a shame Steven’s friends Dave Delicious and Maury Mouthwatering weren’t able to make it to the beach that day.

Okay, the 3rd quarter is mercifully over. 35-14 Cal. Everybody stick 4 fingers in the air.

Headset on. Headset off. Oh wait. Wrong game.

Holy crap. Did you hear that Tony Dungy’s son died. You’d think I would have heard about this.

Well, BYU just cut it to 35-21, making this a game again, barely.

Cal’s star center’s brother is a bodyguard for the Backstreet Boys. Gottfried voices his approval of the band in a very awkward manner.

Cal just trying to run off some clock now. They’re at midfield w/ 11:30 left. A few more 1st downs would really hurt BYU. And BYU forces a punt as soon as I write that.

Okay Fast Forward a few minutes - 7:41 left and BYU converts a 4th & 10 at midfield. This is still a game. Cal’s defense is struggling. At the rate we’re going we could have a real fun finish.

We just had the following exchange -
Gottfried: God bless this great country of America.
McDonough: Amen
See, I’m not the only one with nothing pertinent left to say in the 4th quarter. I mean this game started well over 3 hours ago.

And BYU scores on a ridiculous 9 yd pass on 4th and Goal. Cal just doesn’t want to win this game anymore. They wanted to win awhile ago, but they’ve apparently thought better of it.

Actual ad: “Vegas - Where no one knows what play you’re gonna run.” What? I mean…what? Four NCAA pools?? What?

Time for Cal to run the ball and the clock - huge 3rd & 3 w/ 4 minutes left at the Cal 42.
HA!!! Play action pass to the TE and it’s a huge gain!!! Oh - called back on a hold, but the Bears still got the first.
There’s 3:41 left and a new set of downs. --- WHY THE HELL ARE YOU RUNNING OUT OF BOUNDS?!?!!!
Another 1st down - BYU uses its first timeout. The Mormons are in some trouble now. 2nd timeout. 3:22 left. BYU uses its last timeout after 3rd down---- 4th and 6 for Cal at the BYU 33. 2:27 left. I think you gotta punt here. Gottfried says go for the 1st down. Tedford says kick the 50 yarder, but probably a direct snap to the kicker for a pooch punt.
WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!!!!!!! They actually tried the kick. It was perfectly straight but about 8 yards short. That kicker’s career long was 49 yards. Tedford, I’m coming to hurt you.

CAL INTERCEPTION!!! - BYU QB John Beck got his arm hit as he threw and launched one straight up into the air.

Cal wins 35-28! I gotta pat myself on the back (and then the butt). My prediction (37-27) was awfully damn close. We even got it done in less than 4 hours. Kudos.

Capital One Player of the Game: Marshawn Lynch - and they cut to him screaming “Come over here Boy!” from after one of his first half TDs. The producers obviously were amused by this as well.

Well that’s it. McDonough and Gottfried are off to see the Thunder From Down Under. I’m off to get a shower.

Okay, unlike Todd, I don’t have any good way to end this, so I’m just gonna take this time to congratulate the Fu and the FUture Mrs. Fu on their impending nuptials. Oh and Merry Christmas to all 4 or 5 of you that might actually be reading this.

Holy Shit! Tony Dungy’s son died!



At 8:56 AM, December 23, 2005, Blogger The Diddy said...

Nice work Nips. Good to have you doing anything that involves a stream. However, I'm kinda surprised you didn't mention the backjudge giving Lynch a stiff-arm to the face after he scored that first TD early in the first. That was a bizarre and hilarious moment. It actually snapped Lynch's neck (that about it). Followed up by Lynch getting the refs face and giving him something to the effect of..."WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT, SHINY?!"

At 2:46 PM, December 23, 2005, Blogger Jack Fu said...

Gorgeously done, Jeffy. Ten times funnier than mine. Huzzah.

And way to go, 'Snogles. I watched like 5 minutes of the beginning of the 2nd half, and it was hilarious what an absolute lay-up drill WVU was running. The backdoor (!) was open (!!!!) all day, and they took full advantage. The entire game can be summed up pretty well thusly:

"West Virginia shot 64 percent in the first half, including 13-for-14 from inside the 3-point arc, and led 41-34. It was the Mountaineers' best shooting performance in a half this season ... until a 16-for-23 (69.6 percent) performance after halftime."

At 11:17 PM, December 26, 2005, Blogger Nipsey said...

Okay Todd:
I didn't initially see the backjudge stiffarm and I only saw one good replay of the incident some time later in the game. The occurrence was so hilarious and bizarre that I wasn't sure it actually happened. Therefore I decided not to mention it. Now that I've found out that it actually did happen, I can't stop laughing about it.


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