Sunday, February 18, 2007

Join me...

Flipping channels...flip flip yeah CBS! game on! Girlfriend is dismay as I cancel our plans to Starbucks, the gym, or anything else.
Live from The Barn, over several thousand Minnesota fans screaming in that weird accent and holding up signs that say, "We own you in hockey!"

Harris opens the game with a 3 which is matched by some araaaab white guy named Shamoo Shamalah or something similar. And they're on their asses in the barn giving light applause...probably because it has the acoustics of a Jr. High gym.

Greg Oden's range seems to be that of a kareoke singer, good thing our guards can shoot today. Greg works on his highlight reel for why he should stay next year.

Hmm, interesting...Cub Foods sponsors the Gophers. Probably much cheaper than the Piggly Wiggly. Conley keeps stealing the ball as the Minnesota as he plays better defense than the Gopher intermural league that they practice with known as their 2nd team.

Buckeyes start to build a lead but wait a minute folks, here comes Twig to keep it close! Side out whenever a shot goes up! Right on cue he spikes his first possible rebound out of bounds. Next time down he's schooled and gives up a layup. We give up 6 unanswered and Twig is taken out. 5-0 run by Ohio State.

Why is this McKenzie guy wasting his career in Canada or wherever the hell we are? And the announcer just said that Oden expected McKenzie to drop a dime, but instead a deuce.

7 and a half left and Twig returns to (da da da da da daaaa) charge! An aggressive turnover.

He's taken our and we go on an 8-0 run (that's 13-0 if you're counting). Why is he on this team? I doubt he sees much action in March a la John Sanderson.

Commercial news: If anyone wondered, you can now get women's NCAA highlights on your AT&T phone this March...AT LAST, we can watch a fast break ending in a power layup shot with the right hand from the left side...then everyone falling down followed by the 8th jumpball of the half. John Wooden was wrong about women's ball.

The half ends with a 12 point lead. Maybe we don't suck. The only reason it's close is because of McKenzie.

Half begins: Is anyone going to score this half? Is the hockey influence that strong?

Minnesota finds more new ways to turn it over. After cutting it to 7 we score a touchdown and coach finds it safe to whiten things up. Terwilliger returns, maybe he can blend in. Picks up a foul getting around a pick and fouling someone 35 feet from the basket. Good thinkin' 'cause he might have chucked one up from there. I'll use this TV timeout to write that he has done NOTHING good in this game. I can't wait until he never gets in next year. Ahh, at The Barn they used the timeout to remember that AMAZING 1982 Gopher team. Was that their last Big Ten Championship?

How about Ron Lewis today? Finally showing he's a mature player, stepping up.

Ahh, Twig tips one to the right team...and scores? Gophers officially give up. With Oden out I can already hear the talk of the "arena" as they leave. "Sure they beat the shit out of us, but Oden didn't impress me." Twig gets a jump ball, half a steal. He'll finally have something to talk about with the team in the shower. We're up 24 without Oden. Flip over to Fox for prerace...Gordon's wife as hot! I should have played more Pole Position growing up, I had a future in NASCAR.

Back to the game, as they cut it to 20 they talk about "how this crowd wants them to get back in the game." Naa, that can't be it. I'm sure they're just waiting for football season...or the 3:30 hockey game. Here's what happened.

Minn Coach: "What's the best gameplan to play OSU?"
Penn St. Coach : "Let them get up 24 points, then attack!"

It's amazing how bad Oden keeps getting outmuscled by a guy who only weighs 240. Going to the NBA would be the equivalent of leaving Yoda's training too soon. I think we all know how that story ends.

Commercial break: Oh sweet, the stupid ass Super Bowl commercials are airing--THAT SQUIRREL LOVES HIM SOM BUD LITE--WATCH OUT GENERIC WHITE GUY!

So as the game winds down, what have we learned...
1. Oden's not ready
2. Terwilliger still sucks
3. We don't suck when we can shoot halfway decent.
4. If we shoot well and beat Wisconsin we should get a #1 seed.
5. NASCAR wives are hot.
6. Ron Lewis does not care what the numbers are on a fast break.
7. Don't you touch that squirrel's Bud Lite you son of a bitch!

(HOLY SHIT ALERT!) Tollackson just Russian Bear Hugged Conley on a fast break as an expression of man love.

The game has now turned into a practice session for Oden to work on rebounding and jump hooks. Oden just used the force to disrupt an alleyoop without touching the ball. More like an ALLEYOOPS! (stuffed animal just re-emerged to roll eyes)

Break: Guy with AA mullet is still pushing UPS products.

Here's what I want this March. The field of 65 without Gonzaga or Duke. That way I can't miss possibly screw up my picks on them.

What the---the floor is still from 1928? 14 layers of paint and shit added on? No wonder it's the barn. They're talking about what a great place this hole is? "Every time you walk into this building..." And how often is that CBS? Twig hits the rim, moral victory.

Aaaaand, we've been taken off the air for the Duke game.

Here's where Terwilliger scores on a scoring tear in the final few minutes like that autistic boy. Twig's would be more miraculous.

Fine, I'll roll with it, my girlfriend went to the gym without me. Duke leads by 8. Reader Wise and I snuck our way into Cameron Indoor a few summers ago while we were in Carolina. It was like a small library building just sitting quietly on campus. The gym was open because a girl's camp was going on (giggity). The hallways outside were tiny, so you pretty much have to be in the gym to be in the building. We made our way to the side halls and ended up in a small locker room. On the chalk board, "Steve, good work this summer --Coach K." I wanted to replace this Steve's name with mine and take a picture but you know Joel, always taking the high road." We then went over to their baseball field which was unprotected. I went up to the plate...Joel stole 2nd...then put it in our trunk. Always taking the high road.

Duke's using its home cooking to finish this game.

I'll flip it over to Fox again for appropriate prerace performances. Hmm, Kelly Clarkson singing Miss Independent. Practically the theme song of NASCAR...good call guys.


At 3:44 PM, February 18, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Couple of things Dur.
1. If those Dukies didn't want second base going home with me, they wouldn't leave it there unattended and stuff. Remember the guy we saw at the Duke football stadium who we felt the need to tell that "our" stadium was much better. No wonder people don't like us.
2. Ron Lewis absolutely hates giving up the ball on the fast break. And didn't you get the impression that if it had been anyone OTHER than Mike Conley, Lewis would have given the ball up. I think Fu mentioned this earlier, but I think it bears repeating. The upper-classmen on this team all say the right things, but you can ABSOLUTELY see the open contempt at times on the court. I half expect at some point Messrs. Lewis or Harris to be like "fuck it, you guys do it yourself" and just walk off the court in the middle of a possession.
3. DAYTONER FIVE-HUNDERT! My money is on Jeff Gordon, with Jauuuuun Mon-a-toya! with an outside chance. I bet those fine folks in Alabama and Mississippi would fully embrace a Columbian winning "their" race.

At 3:46 PM, February 18, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The above "anonymous" comment was brought to you by Reader Wise and the Number 790

-Reader Wise

At 9:09 PM, February 19, 2007, Blogger Jack Fu said...

"Ahh, at The Barn they used the timeout to remember that AMAZING 1982 Gopher team. Was that their last Big Ten Championship?"

That all depends. The 1997 team with Bobby Jackson and Sam The Man Jacobsen went like 15-1 in the conference and made it to the final four. The problem is that that team had a payroll higher than that of the 1997 Cleveland Cavs. Plus, you know, there was the whole academic fraud thing, which completely blew up a pretty respectable program, banished Clem Haskins's blessed, cheating heart to the land of the Nigerian Soccer Team, and ushered in the Dan Monson Era. As such, I think that the '97 team's accomplishments may have technically been wiped from the record books. But what I'll mainly remember is the laughter. And the cheating.


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