Saturday, August 30, 2008

Only gay teams punt in week 1

Nothing to complain about today. Those red zone stalls don't even bother me, we had freshmen in early and Tressel's playbook was smaller than the original Tecmo Bowl's (or my list of references). Beanie is fine, he just wanted an excuse to fumble. The Penguins only completed 3 passes all day and maybe had 3 first downs.
I think we're all having the same emotions about Pryor. He makes us feel like a fat white girl who wants to get back at her other words, we loooove him.

Onto Michigan who seems to have mastered the spread offense defense. It seems that their offense is going to have no running game. It seems I say seems too much. The downside to the spread is that it can result in a lot of negative yardage. Coach Rodriguez, in an attempt to defy all traditions no matter how small, declined a halftime interview. Here's what it may have sounded like:

Reporter: After one half as head coach of Michigan you have 4 rushing yards, what kind of first impression do you think you're making today with the Michigan faithful?

Coach: Uhh, Spread! Fast! Spread offense! Fuck tradition!

Reporter: Oookay, I noticed your team is punting today, which I read was gay. I also wanted to ask about how you made it even gayer with that sideways punting formation...why so gay on special teams?

Coach: Great to be here!

As for the rest of the Big Ten, good job, especially you Northwestern and Indiana. JoPa challenged his team to score his age, and everyone except Michigan seems to be off to a good sta--oh, Michigan State still has to play? I have faith in Illinois, I trust they won't hand Mizzou the game 2 years in a row.

To sum up though, I think we looked strong, and Michigan's quarterback looks as high school as Youngstown State's punter (1.9 seconds of hang time?).

Your thoughts...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Way to go Fatneck

So last night the gymnast who looked unsure of herself all week just walking around, continued to look scared and screwed everything up. Everyone's accusing China of using girls who weren't old enough and well yeah, they were probably 13 or 14 as Bella Karolyi said (did you see Bob cringing that whole time as Bella said it so matter-of-factly?), but so what. That just means you lost to younger girls! That wouldn't happen in any other sport, "No fair, those soccer players are only 12, they don't resent the world for making them train so many years yet!" Seriously though, I understand that being tiny could be an advantage and China definitely had it.
I'm looking forward to track and field. China can't have that many medals in that, can they? One thing we're lacking this year is a flashy track athlete (Remember Dan vs. Dave?). We've always had someone, but I believe some runners from the islands sprint faster. They sure as hell won't be Chinese though.
Oh and here's an update from a real sports blog about their ages...

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


Did anyone see the men's gymnastics last night? Me neither, but if I had I bet I would have made this observation...
That extra alternate in the stands crying at the end was not crying because he was proud of his teammates, he was crying because he wasn't down there. That's gotta be hard.
I just got word it's okay to admit I watched it as "Raj" is a Buckeye. As proud as I am to see a Buckeye winning a bronze, he really should have not talked to the camera afterward when they were all celebrating. He kept yelling out things like, "Third place!" and "Never give up!" and "Never give up!" "Never give up!" "Hey, Never give up!" He said it that many times. The rest of them sounded like a Disney film, too. I have all of the respect for what the gymnasts do, I think it's gotta be the toughest sport on Earth. Most of the population can't do any of those things. I can hit a free throw, or even fall down a river in a kayak, but I sure as hell couldn't jump off that vault thing. Howevah, when you're 4'11" and wearing tights and celebrating 3rd, you sound quee-ah.
As far as swimming, I just hope Michigan doesn't take it too hard when Phelps gets busted for HGH. I kid, I kid.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

USA vs. China!

The opening ceremonies were pretty neat, next to Script Ohio they were probably the most spectacular thing a stadium has ever seen. In day 2 of the Olympics we pick up action in the first quarter with USA ahead 14-11.

Things I've noticed so far:
-The floor is slippery as shit for some reason. 3 of our guys have slipped on defense.
-Kobe still thinks he's the only one that can score and refuses to acknowledge the closer 3 point line as if to say, "I don't need to scoot up!"
-We're not going to get many calls in this game.

18-16 with a minute left in the first quarter.
One of their players just shot one into the 2nd row and somehow they retain possession. Next possession Chen JH drives and shoots one over the backboard...over the backboard.
2.9 seconds left in the opening quarter...and our only shot is a half court throw. 20-16 as we head into commercial. This is interesting, instead of playing the Olympic theme song NBC chooses their NBA theme. By the way, does anyone else get a semi the first time they hear NFL theme music in August?

2nd quarter:
China is 5-7 on 3's. LeBron is 7-7 in making Yao Ming his bitch . Dwight Howard is playing well along with LeBron and Wade...Kidd, Bosh, and Kobe aren't with it today. It should be noted I have no patience with Kobe.
LeBron has now pinned 2 layups on the glass. The Chinese are starting to tire but still hitting 3's. Entire to the game from THE Ohio State University, Michael Redd.
The Chinese fans get vocal during free throws...the seem to moan and hum and shots perhaps trying to scare the shooter?

29-26 6:30 left...
Redd misses. China ties it with another 3. 7-11. Kobe throws his first pass. 2 possessions later he scores on a dunk. 35-29 after a few steals and fast breaks. Time out, Coach K pretends to have to coach while LeBron waters up.

(During timeout, the crowd stays pumped with Classical music? How much Mozart is on Chinese Jock Jams? In typical NBA fashion 3 point shooters are left wide open. Kobe bricks another 3.
LeBron scores and 1...with an intentional foul. Kobe misses again. 4 All Stars are standing around while he shoots fade aways in the lane.
WOW--play of the Olympics so far! LeBron on an oop and 1! Bush wants to stand up and cheer but Secret Service nods no. The ghost noises continue to haunt our free throw shooting. Ahh Coach K has done it. A half court trap helps put on a 16-3 run. We've been toying with them in this half court game.

I think the team has a game going on within the game. Whoever doesn't score over Yao Ming has to buy drinks that night. Boozer enters the game for the final defensive possession.
No that's not a KD Lang concert, the women's team is court side to cheer on the team.
A play is drawn up for Kobe to travel. Half ends...49-37 even after China's spectacular 3 point shooting.

2nd half begins...
The crowd seems out of it at start. Perhaps tired from putting all that pee pee in their coke.
A Chinese dunk not by Yao, Kobe turns it over again. He's going to clinch the Terwilliger Award very soon. 53-39.
Kobe misses another 3, can I please get some stats?
China's shooting magic is over. Another way to have to buy drinks for team, getting swatted by a sub seven foot asain.
Ahh, some stats! Kobe is 5-12 including 1-6 on 3's with 3 turnovers. The half court trap is back. LeBron seems to be mouthing at the refs who could probably care if they could understand Akron-English.

I'm just going to add "Kobe misses a 3" to my clipboard and then just "control v" every time he shoots. The team is 1-14 on 3's so he's not alone. LeBron hits one though. Bosh is finally rebounding.

This one's not going to be close...and this blog isn't funny, entertaining, being read, informative, etc. See you in a few weeks!