Sunday, July 31, 2005

Well, since we were talking about video games...

Protection for your pee-ka. Look how adorable he is. I swear to God, I don't know where Todd gets the time to come up with products like this. But I'm happy that he does. FAL-CON PUNCH!!!

Incidentally, there's some new links to the right.

Friday, July 29, 2005

In the mind of caveman

Well done on the list Torgs. I'd like to add a little more on the events that transpired in Taco Bell. I was gonna just make this a comment, but I felt it deserved its own post. Think, "nature channel episode of the cave."

First, I'm not sure how "discreet" I was about telling her to get her number. I mean, it was the loud Phil with, "get him in the molecule chamber, it'll take away his powers." Everyone knew what was going on, but I acted like she didn't hear me. Anyway, the highlight of that moment for me is the stages of irritating cave. I had ordered first and was eagerly awaiting chili cheese and hot sauce as Cave (Blake) Stepped to the plate. As I leaned in and gave him a "cave, get her number" which is step 1

1) "Ignore": Sean knows you've spoken to him, and he takes a very slight pause to process if it's a legitimate query or you're dicking with him. I'm talking nanoseconds, but you pick up on it. He won't make eye contact or turn his head. He'll just continue to place his order, hoping that you'll quit.

Response by me: Ok Cave, it's me, ignoring me won't make me stop. Plus, I've picked up on the slight pause, I know he heard me and he knows what I've said. So, I repeat, "caaaaaave (girly), get her number". We're now into Cave irritation stage two.

2) "Ok, that's funny": After my repeated statement, cave continues his order, won't look at me, but he starts to laugh. Not an uproarious cave grumble (grundle?), but an understated, still able to speak through the chuckle. His logic? Thinking that acknowledging me will make me stop b\c I'm really starting to irritate him.

Response by me: replace "ignoring me" with "acknowledging me" and repeat above. On to stage three

3) "Violence": His order complete, he turns quickly to me and begins slapping. Well, he thinks it's slapping but it's more like a clubbing. Either way, totally worth it. He will then try to let it go at that, but of course, I'll have none of it. As he leaves with his newly acquired food, I get one more "get her number" in as she hands him his tray. He let's this one go as he's clearly to distracted by the smells of meat to deal with me at that moment, but it's not over yet.

4) "Pent up Rage": After devouring his food with no remorse and no concern for those around him, he thinks back to what happened as he had left the counter..."Make fun of Cave he did" (Cave is now apparently Yoda, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE) Anyway, now able to process my last line with the stimulations of feeding time over, he turns to violence once again. His strategy, "launching hot sauce through the air". It was impressive to see the cave using crude tools. Evolution at its finest. With the frenzied air assault complete, he brutishly bellows, "now, YOU get HER number!!!" to complete the act. He know feels avenged, and can move to stage 5.

5) "Acceptance": Feeling he's one-uped me, the cave will accept that my "get her number" bit was pretty funny. We all share a hearty chuckle on our way out the door. This feeling of security in the acceptance stage is the cave's biggest downfall.

6) "Counter-Attack": As we leave the Taco Bell, we are accosted by a 40ish woman who begins hitting on Sean and I, I quickly duck into the vehicle to lock all the doors. Cave gives the handle a tug on the passenger side door, as he realizes it won't open stage 1 begins anew.


Thursday, July 28, 2005

An Ode to Nipples

Many thought it was impossible. Even more thought I was crazy. They'd say to me, "Evan, I think that's impossible. Even more, I think you're crazy." And my response to these critics? "You may be right. I may be crazy. But I just might be that lunatic you're looking for." And then I'd head straight out and destroy thousands of dollars of private property in a drunk-driving stupor.

In a bold and daring move I will attempt to complete a feat (alex) which no mortal has ever completed and lived to tell about it. Many have tried, all have failed. But tonight will be no different! I mean it WILL be different! *insert your favorite triumph music here - my favorite would be Copland's Fanfare for the Common Man which conveniently played as my Risk(TM) victory over Phil, Sean, and Jeff came to a close* Tonight, I will attempt to create a list of...


And if the list isn't to your liking, you can suck it dry. Also, this is my first post on v2.0 - so chill.

My list may or may not be ordered - I shall decide later. This may be a shock, given that I recently proclaimed my proclivity (nice alliteration there, me) for ordered lists. However, I haven't decided yet if it will even be possible to rank my favorite Jeff moments. That's gotta be like someone asking you to pick your favorite kid *insert your favorite inappropriate joke here*. I'm sure there will be plenty of ones that I've forgotten over the 6.5 years that I've known the Nipster - please feel free to share any that have been missed.

So without freddy ado...

  1. Once again, it's Manos: The Hands of Fate - I started to get to know Jeff (in the biblical way) in the Spring of '99. One of the first times, if not the very first time, that we hung out was watching MST3K covering Manos: The Hands of Fate with a group of me, Brian Revis, Jeff, Todd, Jackson and perhaps some other people in my dorm room on Taylor 8. I remember laughing my ass off (LMAOSMTIHTYAYIA! Who gets it? Todd does.) at Jeff as he frequently his head between his hands as though his hands were a vice and screamed "God, it hurts! When does this END?!?" And then threatening to leave. We, being the good friends we are, refused him that luxury. This may not be the funniest Jeff moment, but it sticks out since he had me rolling and it was the first time I had really hung out with him.
  2. Crunch & Munch - I wasn't even there but give me a couple more years of hearing this story and I'll think I was. Everyone knows the story already, so I'll just provide a brief summary. Jeff is drunk. Jeff eats Crunch & Munch. Jeff drops Crunch & Munch. Jeff is notified of the presence of Crunch & Munch on the ground. Jeff leans over to pick it up, wins the race and falls down.
  3. Over the Shoulder Lederhosen - Halloween party at Jackson and Todd's - Jeff shows up in germanesque garb; we make love for the first time. Incidentally, the most important phrase of the evening was clearly "one size fits most".
  4. Purdue Trip 2002 - First weekend of many together, in my mini-van on the way to the West Lafayette of Indiana, it is discovered that Jeff's nipples are really mana from the heavens. Thus begins The Countdown: "3... 2... 1... NIPPLES!". Coincidentally making fun of Todd and Scott as they had to drive the women around was one of my favorite themes from that weekend.
  5. New Year's Eve 2003: The Grand Deception - There are so many reasons to love that evening, and for that I "thank you". However, there were two Jefftastic moments that evening. The first one happened about about 2 hours after we arrived and began drinking aggressively: "Oh yeah, by the way, that's Bud Ice... not Bud Light." This is part of why I love Jeff.
  6. New Year's Eve 2003: Coolest Guy in a Unitard - Right after the stroke of (my schlong) midnight, ABC cut back to Dick Clark's trusty sidekick that evening - a man who I recognized but had no idea was involved in the evening's broadcast. Literally 1 second into the new year, my first words were, "Hey, is that A.C. Slater?!?", and Jeff is the only one who heard it. That line has had special meaning to us ever since.
  7. Can a Brother Get a Table Dance? - 2002 National Championship game: OSU wins and Jeff ends up on my coffee table, only really wearing a sombrero and underwear. I would soon learn to expect this from Jeff.
  8. Tom Servo's Rant after Cave Dwellers - Todd, Jeff, and I watched MST3K's coverage of Cave Dwellers in Todd's basement in his apartment off of Bethel Road. At the end of the movie, Tom Servo went on a rant about glaring faults in the movie which concluded with "HE'S WEARING RAY-BANS!!!", which was definitely one of the single funniest things I've ever seen on MST3K, but not nearly as funny as Jeff's reaction. This line struck a nerve with Jeff and it took all of about 3 seconds for Jeff to fall onto the floor laughing so hard he had tears flowing. I think if we broadcast Jeff laughing hysterically to the world that we would discover world peace.
  9. Imitation is the Highest Form of Flattery - Jeff's vocal rendition of a particular Todd fart - "Honk!". The written word can't capture the emotion, but this was a fantastic effort on Jeff's part.
  10. Meier's Golden Rum: Part I - In our second trip up to Detroit, land of the Red Wings (the Yankees of the NHL), Sean, Jeff, and I smuggled Todd into the Moyer residence with the stealthiness of a ninja. There were quite a few great Jeff moments during this trip. One of these moments was after we stopped at a Taco Bell near Toledo for dinner. Jeff had been drinking a rum and coke the entire way on the trip, and Todd and Sean had no idea. After Taco Bell, he needed to refill his rum and coke so he restocked his cup in the trunk while Todd watched Sean get hit on by some lady in the parking spot next to us. It was my job to shield his progress from the discerning eyes of Sean's lady friend. Coincidentally, Todd and Sean had no idea that Jeff had been drinking until we were almost finished with the trip. Also, the best part about this stop was Todd pseudo-discreetly telling Sean to "Get her number..." as Sean is trying to order his food from the 16-year-old girl at the register.
  11. If I Could Only Get Closer... - Another great moment from this trip was when Todd farted in the Moyer living room and Jeff attacked Todd's ass with his nose to fully appreciate the broken wind. No honks involved this time.
  12. Meier's Golden Rum: Part II - Later that evening, Jeff was feeling a little drunk and a little frisky. He proceeded to strip down to his underwear (as he is often wont to do in these situations), stuff a bottle of his trusty Meier's Golden Rum into the elastic waistband of his tighty-whities, then climb over Sean in Sean's bed and stand stradled over him, pose like a Greek statue, and then ride Sean like it was his job. He even whipped Sean with his leather belt a few times for good measure.
  13. Meier's Golden Rum: Part III? - I believe this moment occurred the next time we all drove up to Michigan, this time to surprise Jackson for his birthday in Monroe. Shortly before we departed from Columbus from Runaway Bay, Jeff disappeared momentarily near the parking lot. When he reappeared he had a silly grin on his face and a wet spot the size of Montana on his shorts. When questioned, it had been revealed that he had taken a not-so-private moment behind a bush to relieve himself of some unwanted liquid. Bear in mind that this was in broad daylight, and Runaway Bay sees a lot of car and foot traffic. We're still not sure how the physics worked on the appearance of the wet spot, but it's probably better that way.
  14. Cuervo 2004: Teed Off - Another story everyone knows, but the gismt of it is that Jeff got annihilated on tequila and managed to fall over in slow motion as he attempted to put his tee into the ground.
  15. Cuervo 2004: Cart Blanche - Another story etched in legend - Phil and Jeff were impressively able to topple a cart in their drunken stupors, causing their clubs to fly out of their bags. Not only did they manage all that, but they were so lost in respect to losing their clubs that they drove all the way back to where Jackson, Sean, and I were teeing off to ask us if we had found their clubs. Amazing.
  16. Kenerktin Sucks - Jeff and I decided to visit Todd in Kenerktin one weekend since we knew Todd was bored out of his mind. There was a lot of drinking involved Saturday night at Josh and Jodie's. Jeff ended up on all fours (as usual) and chased Brutus around the house for what would seem like a long time until you realize it's Jeff. On the way back, he rolled down his window and threw up on the side of the car - quietly enough that we didn't even realize he had done it at first. Once we got home we gave him some water and tried to give him some food and he just puked his guts out in the kitchen sink. When all was said and done, Todd tried to help Jeff out by offering a Listerine Pocket Pack (rocket rocket) strip. This resulted in an epic struggle to get a Listerine strip into Jeff's mouth - the likes of which I'm certain have never been seen before. After finally getting the strip into his mouth, it didn't sit well with him and he immediately threw up again. After this latest round, Jeff was amazed at what he had found... "Hey, there's the Pocket Pack!"
I guess this list ended up more or less ordered chronologically. It's a bit more verbose than I was expecting, but I think Jeff deserves a list with some real effort put into it. I'm sure there are plenty of great ones I missed, but these are the ones that jumped out at me and grabbed my junk.

To Jeff I say this: Huzzah! So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Apologies and such

1) Jeff - That LSU game was much more bizarre/incredible than I remembered it. And yes, that is the most horrible ending to a game I can remember...well since...

NCAA 2002 - Boise St. vs. UTEP
My blue field broncos were on a 90 game winning streak as we were looking for more in El Paso. A completely boring game was about to be completed, as the entire game was basically dominated by my ball control pass attack (think about it). Now let me set the stage: They had done a nice job keeping me out of the end zone and with 20 seconds left I kicked a FG to go up 27-14. No return was made on the kickoff which gave UTEP the ball at their own 20, with 18 seconds left...and no timeouts. When these incredible events happened...
1) Completed 40 yard hail mary to my 40 which I tackled them in-bounds a 7 sec play (11 left)
10) Exactly zero seconds are lost on their no huddle offense (11 sec left)
11) Another 40 yard hail mary complete for a TD which was tipped, between 4 defenders, and caught around the 6-7 yard line only to bust all 4 tackles, SIMULTANEOUSLY, and score. PAT good. 9 sec play. (2 seconds left) Score: 27-21
100) The ensuing onsides kick bounces directly off my player sideways to an entire grouping of UTEP players, they recover. Somehow, all this only take 1 second (1 second left)
101) As they still have one play left, they complete their third consecutive hail mary to win the game 28-27.

I was too confused to be upset. In summary, I had the ball up 2 scores with 20 seconds left and they won. This occurred without a turnover or a return. Incredulous.

2) Apology to Jeff...okay, so I messed up the lyrics....wait...I love the "toot"
3) Apology to Jeff revoked
4) Apology to Chris I got Rex and Rix confused...and really who can blame me for thinking chris rix would make a bonehead play?
5) Apology to all...I wish I could remember more of the players' names. All I got is Upton, Austin Manley, and I think one of Phil's RBs was named Betts. Oh, and "The Drake" plus "Spooky Hutchinson" since Phil renamed them to those names. more song..."doooo, do-dooooo, do-man boy love, do do do, do, the man boy love"


Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Nerdosity at its finest

I have to say that I don’t exactly appreciate the fact that every game/mehmet you mentioned where my team was involved featured something horribly painful and anger-inducing happening to my beloved Stinky Pinkies/Shockers. Although I did appreciate your sidenote of props for the two years where a Chad Hendrix-led squad of Shockers defeated the Delta Queens. Okay, first of all, I will comment on any of your awards in which one of my teams participated.

Now, that Clemson game was about the best example (outside of NHL 2001) of a "no fucking way" game that you can get. The CPU absolutely refused to let me win that game. Coupla things about it though: the game was double-OT, not triple, with the extra periods playing out like this: OT1: Clemson gets the ball and scores a TD in two plays; I methodically score a TD, because everything I had to do with that team was methodical, because that was year 1 of the dynasty, the only year I had terrible black QB Mark Montgomery (who graduated and made way for the next year’s Heisman winner Marquis Santos) and my receivers were terrible. OT2: I get the ball first, and on the second play from scrimmage, my RB fumbles and Clemson returns it 82 yards for a TD. Game over, 48-42. Oh yeah, and that first year, we all had black QBs with big white backups who wore #16 (mine being the aforementioned Santos). Warrants mentioning.

That Delta Queen/Shocker matchup was from that same season, the first year of the dynasty, and you’re right, I was hepta-furious. Each team scored on every possession, and they were all like 4:00, 80-yard drives. It’s 28-21 Shockers, and Todd scores with like :20 left. He goes for two, and just runs like a dive up the middle, around which the Pinky D swarmed like Sean at a Jenny Craig convention. It sure as hell doesn’t look like he got in. But the official’s arms go up in the air anyways, as Todd apparently pulled a 1998 Vinny Testaverde and made the refs think his (glaring white) helmet was the ball crossing the goal line. The Shockers would go on to pummel the Man-Boy Love (the same day I took the LSAT) and win their bowl game, finishing 10-2 with just about the two most painful losses imaginable. But yeah, after that game against Todd, I was so angry that it was embarrassing. The MFIESADAVGL Award is, in this case, richly deserved (unless we’re counting Bond, where there were clearly some Chris Wakefield reactions that exceedingly outdid my wall-punching).

Ah, the origin of the Merlin Ball. Not good times. The only thing I’d say is, it was against Virginia Tech in the national title game, and not USC (and Lee Suggs in that version of the game was like Bo Jackson 0.9. Plus, he was inexplicably white. Now THAT was good times). I’d have been 18 times as angry about this if I hadn’t ended up winning the game anyway, stuffing the Pokies on 4th-and-inches at my 15.

The only other game I can think of to bring up is my battle with Auburn in the first season of the ‘04 game, the first year where the Flutists and the Squirts joined the party. The Shockers started out down 14-0 right away, and slowly crawled back (I was running the Flex Bone and all my RBs and my QB were slow) to a 14-14 tie with about 2:00 left. Auburn went into "no fucking way" mode, moving down the field in 15-yard chunks until they scored with about :20 left. 21-14. I received the kickoff and returned it out to the 24. But wait: clipping on the Shockers. We’re at our 11-yard line with 13 seconds left. Hail Mary gets us across midfield. We use our last TO - there’s 5 seconds left and we and run the shotgun-5 wide Hail Mary play again, and holy shit, there’s a guy open up along the left sideline. He hauls it in right at the goal line and gets tackled into the endzone the moment he catches it. Bingo. The OT was a foregone conclusion after that, as 2PooU punched it in on their possession and Auburn was all out of fight and folded up like Evan after a $1.00 raise. 28-21 Shockers. And there was much rejoicing.

Talk about Nerds

There's nothing quite as nerdy as reliving great moments from video game history. Or the "Gremideometory Awards" as I just decided to call them. So, here are your nominees...

Some of my memories may be a little off, or slightly glorified, so either ignore me or correct me, but at least enjoy the ride.

Best Human vs. Computer Game
Man Boy vs. Michigan (Capitol One Bowl)
After his epic loss to the Queens and more than a little Man's Ale, the man-boy waltzed into their bowl game and get smacked around by Michigan. Nambla would claiming drunkenness as a factor. Most think they were still recovering from the Dairy Air loss.

Shockers vs. Clemson
A classic, "the computer is going to win game", they did just that. Constantly battling, the shockers force triple OT only to throw a pick in the third overtime to seal the Clemson victory.

Phalljc Dolphins vs. LSU
Attempting to run out the clock and run up the score, the pink and blue turn the ball over with 30 seconds left at the LSU 20 and up by 4. The Tigers would march right down the field and score leaving too little time for Bob Floggin's offense to do anything but take the loss.

Best Human vs. Human Game
Man Boy vs. Delta Queens (SEC Title game)
As mentioned by Fu, the man boy would jump out to an epic 24-0 lead starting on a fumbled kickoff by the Queens and a lot of yelling in my face. "MAN-BOY!!!!", he declared while jumping and screaming. A game featuring option and crossing routes, the Queens would rally to pitch a second half shutout to win 27-24 on a last second FG.

Delta Queens vs. The Bleeding Horses
A constant back and forth struggle featuring lots of counters and Korey Upton. It would go into overtime with each team scoring on their possession. With Dairy Air feeling the momentum, the Queens go for two and the win. The Horse D holds strong sending DSU home with a one-point overtime loss. It would propel the horses into the national title game.

Delta Queens vs. Shockers
A game of ball control and answering scores. The Queens, down 7, score with seconds remaining. Not wanting to test overtime waters, the Queens go for two...and get it. (The helmet counts as in the end zone) Time expires and the fighting Omega come out 29-28 winners.
Side note - the shockers would go on to beat the Queens in each of the next two seasons being the only time in Dairy Air St. History they would lose in consecutive years to the same opponent
Side note 2 - After this game is the most furious I've ever seen anyone due to a video game loss. I think he's still in protest of the call. However, Fu wins the MFIESADAVGL Award for his efforts in fury.

Best Line
"Okay...Here's what you wanna do..." - Todd to Evan as he contemplates what play to run on Miami's 1 yards line with 3 seconds to go...and he's down 14.

"Bear in the stands!!!!" - Phil

"Oh, why won't you play with my skin flute. And then I'll come play with yours....toot" - Jeff

Best Moment
Scooter's team basically looking like the browns (and then playing like them)

Jeff or Evan (don't remember) vs. FSU - The hurricane's had clawed their way back into the contest and had moved the ball just past the 50 with 2 second left. The hail mary is called and computer Chris Rix has ALL DAY to throw. With us all intently awaiting his deep chuck on the final play...he holds it....holds it....HOLDS IT....and throws it directly sideways out of bounds.

Most Ridiculous Play
USC's QB throwing a 50 yards TD pass while facing the wrong direction and being sacked against Jackson. aka "Merlin Ball"

WR Outs - NCAA 2002

Man Boy's QB/FS pitching the ball left around his body and to the right to his guard since he went the wrong way on the play.

The BIREEC Award
"Best Injury Resulting in Enormous Eating of Crow"
Phil claiming his dominance declaring how hard I'd be sodomized in Underage. The week leading up to the annual showdown, his heisman leading running back would get injured for 3 weeks. His confidence now shot and gameplan in disarray, the Queens gayly march the purple and fuschia into Canada and hand the little boys a 77-7 loss in the most one-sided (and most gratifying) defeat in NCAA 200x's debriefed, but storied history.

That's all I can think of right now...share others...sharing to others is what good nerds do!!!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Oh, you know ... things

I have to admit that I am heartened by the knowledge that the Delta Queens are still alive and well, although I hope they lose every single game. I’m not sure I can decide which Delta Queen/Man-Boy Love epic I enjoyed the most ... probably the SEC title game where Phil was murdering Todd, and then Todd scored right before halftime, and you just knew he was going to win after that. And then, of course, Todd ran the same play on every single down in the second half and ended up winning the game by a score over a clearly-devastated Phil. Ah, good times. Wish I could give reports on an NCAA 2006 season myself, but I haven’t purchased the game yet. On the ‘05 version, however, I’d like to announce that coach King Slobodan has left the Boban University YugoWang program, fleeing the Montenegro, New Jersey campus for greener pastures in Columbus, Ohio. Of course, this is happening in 2010, so ... pretend you haven’t heard it, I guess. We don’t want a scandal. Or another one, I mean.

I’d also like to draw everyone’s attention to the fact that the Indiana Pacers have signed Lithuanian three-point AssAssIn Sarunas Jasikevicius to replace the corpse of Reggie Miller on next year’s roster. I have to say, I have mixed emotions about this. I loved Jasikevicius when he was at Maryland, and he’s a phenomenal player on the International level. My problem is that he went to the Pacers, and with a healthy Jermaine O’Neal and a non-suspended Ron Artest, they’re gonna be really God damn good next year. Scary good.

Also, the sixth Harry Potter book was fucking awesome, described by one reviewer as "positively Miltonian in its darkness." If I had made the claim before that another book was "the Empire Strikes Back of this series," I have to amend that statement. THIS one was even darker and even more of a downer than previous books. Needless to say, I am eagerly awaiting book 7.

Yes, I am a nerd. And an unapologetic one.


So it's been two weeks since the release of NCAA 06 and I've completed a few things.

My favorite is the simulated season to predict this year's BCS games and national title winner. Usually, I get what I expect...teams highly rated (USC) doing well and heading to the title game. This year proved a bit different. The simulated BCS resulting bowl games were as follows...

Fiesta (B10 vs. Pac10) - not a huge stretch
Iowa vs. USC

Sugar (B12 vs. Big East) - fair enough
Texas vs. Louisville

Orange (At-large vs. ACC) - One of these things doesn't make sense.
Notre Dame (really) vs. Miami

(At-large vs. SEC)
Rose Bowl (Title game) - Who knew!!
Alabama vs. Georgia

Alabama would go on to beat Georgia to win the national title pairing up two SEC teams. Interestingly enough, Georgia didn't even play in the SEC title game as it was Tennessee vs. Alabama for the right to play #1 Georgia. I'm not sure either.

The most bizarre conference standing were the Big 10. Iowa won the league at 7-1 in conference with a two-way tie for second between....just as you might suspect...Penn St. and Illinois. Why not. Michigan and Ohio St both finished at 8-3 (5-3).

Let it be known that the season was simulated after week 4 of the Delta Queens current season in which I'm 3-1. The one Michigan. If you decide to play them, expect to lose. Reason? Mike Hart is the greatest video game running back since Bo Jackson, no joke.

He's even got a song now. A-hem... "Escargo, Mike Hart go 360. Swiftly!! Biggie Biggie Biggie, can't you see, sometimes your (constant missing tackling) hypnotize me!!"

That's right, Mike Hart ran for 368 yds and all 5 Michigan TDs on 25 carries in the 35-28 romp over my beloved, and usually run-stopping, Queens. I was actually happy to only lose by seven. I think I beat the spread. REDONKULOUS!!! If I were to guess, computer Mike Hart has a break tackle rating of 5....thousand, and a 40 time of 2.3. Also, he once juked me so hard, I fell off the couch. HE'S WEARING RAY-BANS!!!!!

Other things I've learned while playing NCAA 06
1) Don't sleep on Florida Int. this year....they went 11-1 and their QB finished third in the Heisman
2) The "home team" is a confident bunch of kids.
3) Corso thinks people from Florida are faster.
4) According to my buddy Henderson, Reckless Abandon is the older brother of Ed O'Bannon.
5) Video Game Brad Nessler sounds like himself, but looks surprisingly similar to Dan Rather.

Friday, July 22, 2005

I think we can all thank Todd for this....

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I think it’s gonna be a long, long time...

I envy people who are getting to see this for the first time. Now, without further Freddy Adu, because EVERYONE here needs to be exposed to it:


Urge to kill rising ... RISING ...

Well, the worst-kept secret in the sporting world came to pass late last night: Larry Brown is out as Pistons head coach, an abrupt, if entirely expected, end to a dance that was going on for much longer than a lot of people realized. A lot of people think that this drama started around the time "Larry Brown to Cleveland" rumors were swirling in late May. But as Detroit News columnist Terry Foster points out, this parting was a lot longer in the making than most people thought. For instance, here is an excerpt from a weblog entry he wrote on the News’s site, way back in November:

Wed, Nov 17, 2004 at 5:45 AM – Terry Foster
I expect Pistons Coach Larry Brown to retire at the end of the season. He's had enough and wants to rest. Brown is down now. He cannot coach because of painful hip surgery. But that is not why he will leave the game after the season. He dreads coaching games and if you cannot get yourself up to coach games any more that is a strong sign you've had enough. An 82-game season plus playoffs is tough enough for players, let alone for a man who is in his 60s and needs a break from the game. Brown told me a few weeks ago that he loves running practices and loves being around the team. However, game days are difficult for him. And in the NBA it seems as if every day is a game day. He is at least contemplating retirement. My gut is telling me he has already made the decision and will wait for the appropriate announce it to the rest of us. If this was the case was it worth drumming Rick Carlisle for Brown? Yes it was. The Pistons won an NBA championship -- something they would not have done last season under Carlisle. But who replaces Brown? Stay tuned...

So the desire to bolt at the end of this past season was stirring in Larry going back to November, and possibly earlier. And that’s fine. What pisses me off, however, is that, as Marc Stein astutely observes, Brown is using this illness thing as a shield - he has no intention of coming back to the Pistons, and he’s continually claiming that he wants to return, but he’s refusing to give assurances that he’ll be able to coach the full season, due to his illness. That way, the Pistons have been forced to make a decision: roll the dice on LB, with the risk of him possibly missing even more games than the 20 or so he missed this year (maybe even playoff games); or roll the dice, let LB go, and grab the next best available coach in Flip Saunders. Brown has essentially quit without actually quitting, and as such, it’s technically the Pistons doing the firing. Because of this, the Pistons are stuck having to buy out his contract (which has $ 18 million remaining), the negotiations of which are going on as I speak ... or type or ... whatever. Brown is going to maintain that he wanted to come back to Detroit, and that Joe Dumars and Bill Davidson forced him out. Essentially, he’s going to lie through his teeth to try and seem like the wronged party here. His agent, Joe Glass -- a gentleman who appeared on a local radio show here a few weeks ago and, with his gruff demeanor and aversion to directly answering questions, did much more to fuel speculation that Brown was passive-aggressively quitting than he did to quelch it -- is reportedly already claiming as much. Well, don’t believe it. He has no desire to come back, and he’s forcing the Pistons to have to buy him out. He’s a fantastic coach, but the guy has been lying through his teeth for months (years, in fact, if you look at his track record) and, as much as I appreciate what he did in bringing the 2004 championship here, I despise him right now. I hope we buy him right the fuck out, I hope he jumps right on top of that fucking Knicks job like he’s dying to do, and I hope the Pistons absolutely fucking ASSRAPE him every chance they get from here on out.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005


Baseball is boring, and the All-Star game is boring. That’s just the way it is. Instead of ignoring or altering the game’s fundamental nature, I think Ye Olde Pastime ought to embrace it. Marketing campaigns for the World Series or All-Star game could say things like "This time, it’ll be OVER 4 hours!" They could have "If you’re over 60, you get in free" days. Anyone who falls asleep during a game gets a prize, like a signed glove or a blowjob. These are the things Bud Selig should be doing. I think we can all agree on this. Inexplicably, baseball attendance is actually UP over last year’s pace, where the league recorded its highest attendance figures in like 15 years. I don’t pretend to understand it, but I’m willing to bet that it’s got a lot to do with warm weather and beer. Those two things together will attract about 65% of all men who have the disposable income to waste $50 on bleacher seats. Now if they would just institute the BJ policy, I think that number may rise to 90%. See, baseball? I’m here for you.

Moving on, I mean, what the hell is there to talk about in the world of sports? As Dids said, the Tour de France is going on, and everyone in this country is doing their patriotic duty and acting like they give a rat’s ass, that is until Lance eventually wins and we can all clap and then go back to ignoring both cycling and France. And then there’s golf, but the only storylines going on are about women trying to make it into PGA events, and I only have two things to say about that: 1.) When the shit did Michelle Wie get so hot? Jesus Christ, she’s only 15 and she looks 27. And HOT. 2.) In my opinion, the bitches can try to play in guys’ events all they want, but I think it’s going to hurt their sport more than it helps. I’m pretty sure I’ve explained this before, but here we go again: women keep trying to legitimize their sports on their own, asking viewers to watch for the sake of watching good sporting events, regardless of the gender of the competitors. But what does it say when the most dominating forces in women’s golf are trying to play PGA events? It says, "Well, we’re SO good that we need another challenge. Hmm, what’s better, more difficult, than the LPGA? Is there anything that’s a step up from this? Oh, okay: MEN’S events!" They’re essentially de-legitimizing their own sport by admitting that they’re a significant step down from men’s golf. It’s refreshing to see future LPGA stars like Grosse Pointe native Morgan Pressel (the amateur who finished 2nd at the U.S. Women’s Open) saying that they have no desire to play men’s events. I’m not sure what the point of doing it is. But hey, if they want to keep going out there and missing the cut at the friggin’ Tulsa Invitational, you know, knock yourself out.

Oh, I guess the NHL’s coming back. Okay.

Finally, the World Series of Poker is about to be televised on ESPN, starting next Tuesday. Now, as anyone who reads this probably knows, ESPN’s coverage of poker is SO FAR outstripped by the Travel Channel’s World Poker Tour (and even, probably, by all of the myriad poker games shown on FoxSports nowadays) that it isn’t even really funny. I’m 87.9% sure that we discussed this on the old blog: ESPN by and large shows no actual, good play. They show all-ins and stupid features like "The Nuts." Boo-urns. But anywho, it bears mentioning that the actual tournament started like a month ago, with all the lower-limit and obscure events. But the main event, the $10,000 buy-in no limit hold ‘em event, is going on as we speak. Over 6,000 people entered this year’s main event, apparently, which I believe is double the number who entered last year and about ten times the number who entered in 2003. The poker boom apparently continues. For those who are interested, here are a couple of links. This is a neat little set of columns by Paul Phillips, known as "dot-com," who came off in his first few WPT events like a raging asshole, but who has seemed very nice ever since. There is also an explanation for why he seemed like a total nutjob during NBC’s weird, Matt Vasgersian-emceed "Head’s-Up Poker Championship." Also, there’s tons of coverage of what’s going on in the WSOP over at Card Player. If you want to know how things stand, go check it out. If you don’t, if you’re a woman who wants to wait until ESPN shows the action, so that your pure little flower of the WSOP isn’t taken forever, then don’t follow the link. You vag.


Apparently, all the way down to 58 players, Greg Raymer is 11th in chips, and earlier today, he was actually the chip leader. If he gets to the final table again, that will be even bigger than Dan Harrington’s back-to-back final tables in ‘03 and ‘04.

A midsummer's night-mare

In case you missed it, (you were lucky) the MLB all-star game was last night. There were more compelling story lines during my walk to the kitchen than in that entire game. Kenny Rodgers got booed, Miggie won the MVP, the AL won...again. That's it, that's the whole summary. To be fair, I only watched about half of it. To be fair, I wish I'd just been asleep. And while I sat, watched, stared in disbelief, I tried to think of a few things that would make the game more interesting and about baseball in general. And here's what I decided.

The problems:
1) Baseball, is, always has been, and always will be inherently boring. I love the stats, and I love baseball, but unless it's the cubs or the playoffs, a baseball game can't hold my interest. And I actually like it!! That's not a ringing endorsement for trying to get casual fans involved.

Above: Did you sell your paycheck to get those?

2) This whole, winner of the all-star game gets home field, it needs to squish. However, I'm sick of the media acting like when they switched to this system, they took something away from the legitimacy of home field. How quickly they forget!! Before the winner got home field, it was the league opposite of who simply hosted the all-star game. The winning league getting home field is actually more reasonable than the old system. However, with the NLs refusal to win a game, the old system was at least more fair.

Above: Pregame or the 4th inning? Could you tell a difference?

The answers:
1) One thing baseball needs to be reminded of: an All-Star game is an exhibition game. It cannot have meaning to the regular season, or worst of all, playoffs in any way. Baseball, I beg of you, the team with the best regular season winning %, give them home field. It's safe and it's fun.

2) Since the All-Star game in an exhibition, treat it as such and, well, change the rules to make it more interesting. Juice the ball, cork the bats, bring in the fences, wait...this sounds like 1998.

Let's just do anything then to make it entertaining. I'm serious.
1) Start every inning with a runner on second.
2) Any stolen base counts as a run.
3) Have random multi-color "money-balls" put into play that are worth extra bases for hits, and 5 runs for a homer.
4) Aluminum bats
5) Uhhh...bitches.

And whatever else you'd like to see, just freaking do it. The game needs livened up, it's just not interesting, but then again, that's baseball.

Let's see, there's other sports going on right now too besides baseball.

There's golf - meh.

There's the Tour de France - I think it's cute that everyone pretends to be interested in cycling. ESPN giving updates, acting like people care, I mean, it's sweet. If you just said it started, then a month later said Lance won, it would be about the same. No one cares.

There is one item...and look for more to come on this...the release of NCAA 2006. CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?!?!? With this annual tradition will come simulation, speculations, and of course, man-boy love. All of this will be done with the purpose of annoying Fu that it's still 6 weeks until real games start, but it won't stop me from predictions much too soon.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Yes, I still hate Boston

Huh huh. "Massholes."

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Happy birthday,!

Yes, it was exactly one year ago today that Todd and I unleashed (or perhaps "unsheathed"...?) our collective non-genius on the information superhighway [/Gore], shocking and arousing readers THE WORLD OVER. Since then, the MWB, in either of its forms, has been entertaining 5 or 6 people with our dick and fart jokes, semi-homoerotic overtones, and quasi-amusing insults. Yes, that’s three hyphens in one paragraph. I thought you people knew me by now. Anywhoodle, on this most holy of days, a mere eight days shy of Bastille Day, we raise a glass to you, Here’s to many more years of keeping ourselves mildly entertained. Huzzah!

So, anyway, sports. The summer doldrums have rolled up in full force, as we have baseball to talk about and ... and ... Ugh. So anyways, stuff about baseball:

* Did anyone else think Kenny Rogers should have gotten a little bit more than a 20 game suspension? He’s just gonna miss like four starts, and I’m not sure that’s adequate punishment for acting like a 7th-grade bully and pushing around a cameraman who did essentially nothing (incidentally, I think the only thing that would have made the scenario more bizarrely amusing is if Rogers had given the cameraman a Unit-esque "You don’t talk back to me!" But alas). Now there’s talk about possibly keeping The Gambler out of the All-Star game, and people in Detroit love it because they think if Kenny gets booted, Jeremy Bonderman is gonna take his place. I don’t know, maybe. The kid IS the first Tiger since Bill Gullickson in 1991 to have 10 wins before the All-Star break, but, I mean ... they’re the Tigers, for Christ’s sake. They deserve to have one and exactly one player in the All-Star game, and since Guillen has been hurt for a month and a half, Mags has been hurt all season, and nobody is paying attention to them at all nationally, Pudge is the one on the team, despite his paltry 5 home runs and on-base percentage of .300 (yes, you read that correctly). Hey, that’s what having to go off the ‘roids will get you.

* Secondly, the Washington Nationals are 51-32, leading the NL East, and, barring a spectacular collapse, the odds-on favorite for the Wild Card, even if the Braves pass them. This is incredible for a couple of reasons. First, they’re essentially an expansion team, for the love of Boban. The Expos were worthless anyways. So the Washington Nationals, Florida Marlins, Arizona Diamondbacks, and Colorado Rockies will each essentially have been created AND made the playoffs since the last time the goddamn Tigers even finished over .500. That is a near-unparalleled level of ineptitude. Ugh, it’s frustrating to even think about. But anywhoo, secondly, as I heard Rob Neyer point out this morning on the radio, it’s impossible to explain how the hell the Nationals are doing it. As pointed out in multiple resources, as well as Bill James’s pythagorean theorem of wins and losses, over the course of a season, the number of wins and losses you accumulate will basically stack up with the number of runs you score relative to the number that you give up. It’s a near-inescapable truth of baseball. Well, as Neyer pointed out, the Nationals are19 games over .500 through 83 games, and they’ve scored exactly the same number of runs as they’ve given up (340). That is astounding. Neyer said that he researched back almost 30 years and couldn’t find a single other team that had scored the exact same number of runs as they had allowed and were still as many as 19 games over .500 this late in the season. It may be unprecedented. The key to their first place push? A seemingly-impossible 23-7 record in one-run games. That means that out of every 10 one-run games the Nationals play, they win between 7 and 8 of them (and it actually rounds up to 8). Guh.

Lastly, if people haven’t yet noticed, CFN has put up their preseason top 10. Since college football is still a legitimate month and a half away, I’m not gonna get into it yet. I’m worried that if I start talking college football this early, the anticipation will kill me before I even get to mid-August. So I’m just gonna link to it. There you go. Enjoy. Ooh, Big Ten Preview is up, too. Tasty.

Friday, July 01, 2005

I can post if I want to...

Hey, I'm making a post!! YAY!!! *SNUGGLES*

First, I read that article about the last decade or so of the Hawks. It was, fantastic. I hope all have partook in such readings.

Now, yes, it's been a while. And yes, there was a question Fu made to me...a while ago. Everyone has forgot, so I'll bring it up again. Rewind...

"we are witnessing four unequivocal masters at work on the pitching mound, in Roger Clemens, Randy Johnson, Greg Maddux, and Pedro Martinez. So, I want Dids and anyone else to give me their opinions on the following two questions: Which of the four do you think had the best career, and, alternatively, which of the four, at the absolute zenith of their respective powers, was the best?"

It is a great question. And if there's one thing I love, it's baseball stats. So let's begin.

It's simply not fair to compare Maddux to the rest of these guys. Power pitching and finesse mitchell pitching are two totally different things. Oh, for fun, I'll do it anyway.

Best Nickname: Is there really any question? The Unit is the greatest nickname in the history of sport. I mean, the rocket and the bulldog are good. But, a big joke about penis never lets you down. All right guys, let's talk about units. BWAHAHAHA!!

Best Zenith: This one is tough. Let's look at what I consider the zenith for each:

Clemens: It's tragic, but I think his zenith were his 2 years in Toronto. They probably were b\c he was proving he still had it. The Red Sox basically said he was too old and he responded in 97-98 with seasons of 21-7 2.05 ERA 230Ks and 20-6 2.65 ERA and 270Ks. Now, keep in mind, NO ONE saw him pitch AND the Bluges were very mediocre. Going 76-84 in 1997 and a decent 88-74 in 1998. Clemens won the Cy Young in both of those seasons.

The Unit: To me, it's 2001. Leading the team to a World Series title and doing it in grand style. 21-6 ERA of 2.49 and an amazing 372Ks 372!!!! He would actually post a better win/loss and era in '02, but 2001, to me, was the peak.

Pedro: Now, his numbers weren't nearly as impressive, but the 4 year stretch from 97-00 Pedro made his name. His last year as an expo and first three as a BoSock were amazing. He averaged 19Ws and an era just over 2. In 2000, his WHIP was 0.74. For a season!!! That's incredible. He was, totally unhitable.

Maddux: A career of consistency, his best year was back when the Braves were busy smacking around the Indians to win the series. In 1995, he went 19-2 an era of 1.63, a whip of 0.81, 181 Ks, and only 23 walks. 23!!! He had 28 starts. Improbable!!

Therefore...the best zenith goes to....Pedro. I mean, the guy was totally unhitable for 4 solid years. Rocket's best years were rick mired in Canada, and maddux/unit's zenith were just two short. That's something you'll never hear from me again. "The unit's zenith was just too short"

Best Career: Process of elimination...Maddux and Clemens have 300 Wins...the other two don't. So that takes us to Maddux vs. Clemens for best overall career. really, it comes down to which you prefer: power vs. finesse.


chart Maddux vs. Clemens
Games 629 656
Innings 4283.0 4601.0
Wins 312 334
Losses 179 167
CG 105 117
Ks 2979 4421
Walks 890 1490
ERA 2.99 3.14

I mean, wow, it can't really get much closer. Clemens has more Cy Youngs, but I think I'll take Maddux. He's won 15 games every year since 1990...that will never be done again. What's amazing about both of these guys is how few times they've been hurt. Maddux has pitched at least 200 innings every year since 1988 except 2002 in which he pitched 199.1. That incredible. There was a strike year in there too don't forget. But the number one reason I go with Maddux is that they changed the strike zone to prevent him from getting that outside-outside corner. And my number one rule is: if they change the game b\c of you, you're a legend. So there it is, Maddux over Clemens.

One more thing...Most memorable moment:

Clemens - Beaning Piazza in the head, nearly killing him. Then later that season, throwing the sawed of portion of a broken bat back at Piazza. The look on Mike's face was the best. "wait, what, that's my bat, I should be mad...ok, now I'm mad"

Maddux - Leaving the Cubs, you fuck.

Pedro - Either coming in relief to shutdown the Indians for 5 or 6 innings in the 2001 playoffs to beat cleveland in a decisive game 5. Or...pitching a 9 inning perfect game that went into extra innings that he didn't get credit for.

Unit - Killing a bird with a pitch. The single greatest baseball moment of our lifetime. No doubt.