Wednesday, May 31, 2006

More YouTube Awesomeness

Yes, I have begun studying for the bar. But everyone needs to see this.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Hey media: I don't give a shit about Barbaro

Fucking every day on SportsCenter I have to watch a piece about a fucking horse that got hurt in a stupid horse race that nobody cares about. Bases-ball has gotten in full swing, a fantastic NBA playoffs is coming to a crescendo, the NHL playoffs are ... getting there (Edmonton v. Buffalo! Huzzah!), the WNBA season just tipped off (I ... uh ... ), and ... shit, I don't know, there are about a thousand other things that are sports-related or at least sports-adjacent that I'd rather hear about than the fate of a fucking soon-to-be glue bottle. I understand that they have to find something to fill the suddenly vacant Barry Bonds Freak Show slots, but Christ on a bike, there has to be something more interesting than a bunch of people putting up signs around a horse's stable that read "we love you, Barbaro" and "believe in miracles," as if he can read the damn things. Just put him out to stud and call Elmer's. Or, better yet, Colonel Belmont:

Couple of clerical issues: thanks to Ian at Sexy Results!, I tangentially ended up finding this list of the Top 20 White American NBA Players of the last Twenty Years. It is, needless to say, sublime. Anything that makes me think of the early 90s Phoenix teams (THREE guys on the list), as well as Bill Laimbeer, Jack Sikma, and ... and ... MARK EATON (!!!) certainly gets the MWB's Seal of Approval (note: no actual seal exists).

Also, I found another use for the stupid college-version-of-Friendster site The Facebook. Well, it's actually the same use as before: finding hilarious pictures of Al. In honor of the upcoming Cuervo Open, (and because the old one has apparently gone to squish) here's some hot Al action to get everybody excited:

There are dozens of us! DOZENS!

Friday, May 19, 2006

It's tired in here....

Hey, it's me!! Remember me!! Sometimes I show up, but not often. It's kinda my thing. So how are we? Good talk, see ya out there. So what have I missed.

Hockey...well, I would say I've been missin it. HEY O!! I'm super serial when I say (in sequential order) watching the Red Wings lose...totally hilarious. However, a 6 vs. 8 in a conference finals always makes me happy.

Pro Hoops...Steve Nash won the MVP, not b\c he was, but b\c he won it last year and had a better year this year. So the logic being, if that was good enough then it should be now as well. Moronic. Kobe was hands down the MVP this season. He didn't win b\c he's not likable any more. I'd even argue Lebron should have won before Nash, he's pretty good, and if you've seen him play I guess you're a Nike says. Oh right, then there's that little game 6 tonight with Detroit on the ropes. I think the Pistons really, REALLY bought into the hype that they're much better than everyone else. The thing is, they are, but as everyone knows, they don't show up. Now, you've gotta beat the Cavs, in Cleveland, and the officials. The league wants Lebron to move on, and they want it hard.

Also, Chris Kaman. That guy is challenging for ugliest person alive. He's already an All-Star and 1st Teamer.

Little known fact: Black people produce 300 Volts of DC power

So, who is he in the running with? Scottie Pippen? Cheryl Miller? I'm not even sure I wanna think about it anymore. I can't look at this picture anymore. Let me remedy this....WIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Above: If I get SafeAuto, will it make HER legal for less?

If nothing else, that was an excellent segway to golf. Yes, I went there. 2 weeks to Cuervo.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Any time you guys wanna show up, that would be great

Yeah, this isn't funny or cute anymore. Last year, the Pistons started a disturbing trend where they clearly only played hard when they wanted to, believing that they could "turn it on" whenever they wanted and win games when they absolutely had to. It was a frustrating thing to watch all last year, and the way they dicked around the first two games of last year's finals -- which ultimately probably cost them the series, Rasheed's epic brainfart notwithstanding -- seemed to light a fire under them, as they came out this season with a sense of purpose and desire and blazed through the league. They got homecourt advantage throughout the playoffs. They blew the doors off of Milwaukee in the first round. They creamed the Cavs in game one, and dominated the first three quarters of game two in similar fashion.

And then everything stopped.

And they've played like crap for the majority of the last nine quarters of basketball.

They took the Cavs too damn lightly. Guarantees, lackluster play, inexplicable fouls and coaching moves ... what the hell are these guys thinking? They let an inferior team hang around and build up its confidence; they thought they could just "flip the switch" and win when the chips were down; and their lackadaisical attitude now has them firmly pressed up against the proverbial wall. This team, whose Renaissance was constructed primarily on defense, now believes that in the last five minutes of games they can win by simply outscoring you. Ugh, there are so many things wrong with the way they're playing that it's maddening to even start thinking about all of them.

And the worst part is, it would be one thing if the Cavs were playing lights-out, way above their heads, or if LeBron was going off for 45 every game and taking over at crunch time. But they're not and he's not. The Cavs are playing okay. They're playing like a team that should make the second round of the playoffs and go no further. The Pistons, conversely, are playing terrible, with a blatant lack of respect for their opponent. And now they've put themselves one of those 45-point outbursts away from going home embarrassed and ashamed. And they have no one to blame but themselves.

Heads out of rectal cavities please, boys. Don't become the Red Wings.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


Because I can.

Monday, May 15, 2006

No, seriously. What the hell?

So ... the Detroit Tigers are all alone with the second best record. IN BASEBALL. Quite frankly, I still haven't adjusted. I wake up in the morning, and the scrolling bottom line during Mike & Mike tells me more often than not that the Tigers won the night before. This has NEVER HAPPENED in my life (or at least, since I realized that baseball existed and that there was a team in Detroit). In the official MWB fantasy bases-ball league -- in which my team is soaring up the standings, thanks to narrow leads in like 3 categories; I swear, this league is the biggest clusterfuck we've ever had, stats-wise -- Mike Maroth and Nate Robertson are both on rosters. Mike Maroth! NATE ROBERTSON! These guys are viable fantasy options, despite the following facts: 1.) Mike Maroth lost 20 games three seasons ago, and 2.) Nate Robertson is Nate Robertson. And they're on fantasy teams? IMPROBABLE!

I think we all know what Oglethorpe would have to say about the Motor City Kitties.

I'm still not sure this incarnation of the Tigers warrants the label "for real." Ian from the Sweaty Menses blog is buying in, but I'm still riding the fence. I mean, you just can't flip the switch and make the Tigers, the Detroit Tigers, go from "laughing stock" to "legitimate baseball team" and get people to follow without trepidation. But I am enjoying the Tigers playing moderate stretches of baseball where they win more games than they lose. It's an unfamiliar sight, but a welcome one.

Also, yes, my exams are done and my PMBR class is over. I am now a Doctor of Jurisprudence and my first bar prep class contained a moment of hilarity for me. The format of the course is that they throw us into 50 multiple guess questions each day, completely cold, on subjects that many of us haven't studied in at least two years, and then go through each of them with us and let us know how stupid we've all become. Well, on Day 4, in the middle of my Evidence test, I faced a question that began with the following:

Carruth is on trial and charged with murdering Nicolette, his former girlfriend. In its case-in-chief the prosecution contends that Carruth killed Nicolette because he had gotten her pregnant and she refused to have an abortion.

Bar prep imitating life. I can't believe they actually used Rae Carruth's actual name. In the middle of the silent lecture room I audibly laughed. There are times when I just love life.

...Times such as this weekend, when I'm coming to town and we're hitting up the Cliffside. It is, after all, Ladies' Night...

Friday, May 05, 2006

She's Got a Horse Like a Face !!!!

Nipsey’s Kentucky Derby Picks!!!

Okay, so I know that not everyone likes the horsies.

But, I would be remiss if I didn’t make some picks for the Derby. All the experts are saying how confused they are this time around.

Some professional prognosticators had this to say:
“Never has there been a Kentucky Derby that had me this perplexed.” - Bill Finley
“I can't recall the last time I felt so vague about a Derby.” - Ed McNamara

Anyway, after doing some scant research, here are my picks:
1. Sweetnorthernsaint (10-1)
2. Barbaro (6-1)
3. Steppenwolfer (25-1)
The two favorites (oddswise), Brother Derek & Lawyer Ron, got some shitty post positions considering the size of the field, how short the race is, and the fact that the early pace is expected to be redonkulous. I’m basically writing those 2 off. This race is going to a stalker from a decent gate #.

Now for those of you still here, take a look at this and try to keep it in your pants:

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Plundering the Internet: Part the Second

Both of you know what's going on with this series, so let's get right to it.

Here is a video of what has to be one of the greatest sports brawls of all time. It took place long ago during a match between Russia and Canada.
Audio safe for work.
Video safe for work.

Keeping with the sports theme, this is a video of someone making a full court shot as time expires to win what looks like a low-division college basketball game. They even replay the video and pause it so you can see the release and the clock in the background at 0.1 seconds. Pretty impressive.
Audio safe for work.
Video safe for work.

I don't want to even prepare you for what happens here. All I'll say is, "HONK". Oh, and it must be noted that one of the gentlemen in this video has incredible focus.
Audio safe for work.
Video NOT safe for work.

This is a video where Nipsey apparently called into QVC under the pseudonym Randy. Okay, so this probably isn't a real prank but it's still funny because I think of Nipsey; he happens a lot.
Audio not safe for work.
Video safe for work.

Last, but certainly not least... this is actually my favorite of this video series. It's a video of an "Average Homeboy" who is trying to market himself as a rapper. Eminem he is not. Interesting? The best thing since wrestling. Absoltely love this video, can't say it enough.
Audio should be cranked up at work.
Video should be watched frequently at work.

Remember to keep your eye out for Mel Novak.

One down and 3.6 tomorrow, and I'm outta here

Strike that - reverse it. Three finals down. One to go, tomorrow. And I'm ... outta here.

Two words for you, Professor Kennedy: GAME. ON.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I Put On My Robe and Wizard Hat

Just a few random sports-related thoughts:

The Cavs and Crew both lost to their respective league's Wizards over the weekend. Sorcery has never been less popular in the Buckeye state.

I was going to give my MLS season predictions, but after the Crew's first five games, I fold. I'm just going to go hide under a blanket and mutter "we're rebuilding, we're rebuilding, we're rebuilding" for the next 11 months.

One final soccer-related tidbit: the US World Cup roster gets announced today.
Here's my prediction for Bruce's final 23:
GK - Keller, Howard, Hahnemann
DEF - Onyewu, Gibbs, Lewis, Bocanegra, Cherundolo, Hejduk, Berhalter, Albright
MID - O'Brien, Reyna, Mastroeni, Donovan, Beasley, Dempsey, Convey, Olsen
FOR - McBride, Johnson, Twellman, Casey

If you're actually interested in any of that, here's a link Jack sent me that was a good read:

Here's what ESPN says:

How the hell did Kudla not get drafted? I mean, the guys a beast. Hasn't anyone heard this?

This may be deemed blasphemy by a solid 50% of our readership, but last night's Oilers-Red Wings game was a beautiful thing to watch. That game was why I and so many others love the NHL playoffs. Hands down the best playoffs in professional sports.

For the record, before the playoffs, my finals pick was Calgary over Carolina in 6. Now I'm thinking Calgary over Ottawa in 7 to win Lord Stanley's (not to be confused with Lord Ainsley's) Cup. Either way, Kiprusoff's my pick for the Conn Smythe (and obviously the Vezina).

By the way, at the time, I thought the Colorado & Edmonton deals for goalies before the trade deadline were pretty smart. Now those deals look absolutely genius. In my opinion, the Habs gave up on Theodore WAY too early, and Roloson was just plain underappreciated in Minnesota. Now, thanks to those deals and those netminders, we have a 7 and an 8 seed in the second round in the west. Delicious.

So, I swear I just saw the LA Clippers win a playoff series for the first time in 30 years last night before I fell asleep. I thought to myself, "Wow. I wasn't even alive 30 years ago." Then I realized, not only that, but I could distinctly remember pretty much every other NBA team (except the Bobcats) being in the 2nd round of the playoffs at some point. Anyway, if the Clippers find a way to lose to the Lakers in the next round, I might just stop watching the NBA altogether.

31 days until Cuervo IV