Monday, October 31, 2005

The College Football Weekend in Review, Issue # Whatever

All right, blog, you don't like me and I don't like you. Let's work together for the greater ... no reason. Awesome.

Big Ten Talk

OSU won this game because Troy Smith didn't turn it over. It's that simple. Speaking of turnovers, has Brandon Schnittker been completely phased out of the offense because of his proclivity for fumbling inside the red zone, or am I crazy? Good move, Tress. The more times I get to see Stan White's glamour shot, the better.

I have to say that I was disheartened by the way Cupito was able to bomb away on the secondary. Part of me says, "Well, half of his yards probably came on the 4 or 5 long bombs he was able to connect on," but the other half of me is pissed off that those long bombs worked, partly because I'm scared about Michigan doing that, and partly due to the fact that it's embarrassing because Cupito throws like a girl. Eh, whatever. A win's a win.

I watched about a quarter of this game, and I have to say, Michigan's defense looked pretty formidable. Northwestern was white-hot coming into this one, and holding them to 17 is no small feat. Yeah, the first-quarter fumble return for a TD was yooge and kinda altered the course of the game, but you know, that's what turnovers do. Whatever, I barely watched this game.

Classic case of a demoralized team running up the score to try and get their confidence back up and get some of the alumni back on the bandwagon. They were bombing away way later in that game than they should've been, but Drew Stanton continues to impress, I guess. He made one throw, scambling to his right, where he absolutely gunned it across his body to the middle of the field for like a 20-yard gain, all while seeing a guy barrelling toward him and knowing he was gonna be drilled, which he did. That guy's good.

It isn't even November yet, and Purdue is eliminated from bowl eligibility. That is inexplicable. Todd thinks Tiller's gonna get shown the door, but I don't know: he has absolutely taken that program back from the brink, and they may feel they owe him a freebie year. IRRegardless, this Purdue team is probably the single-biggest single-season disappointment in college football since Heisman candidate Freddie Milons led the 2000 Alabama squad -- a team that was #3 in the preseason polls -- to a 3-8 final record.

Also, it's looking increasingly like the Nittany Kitties are gonna be the Big Ten's BCS team (unless both they and OSU win out, which case the league will probably get 2 teams ... I think), with just two games left: they get Wisconsin in Happy Valley next week, then have a week off before facing the schizophrenic Men of Sparta in East Lansing on November 19. I think they'll handle Wisky relatively easily next week, and then God knows what the hell will happen in that season finale.

Whatever. Though I have to say: how the hell is Wisconsin 8-1. Well, I guess I do: they've only had 3 truly difficult games, and they lost one and legitimately pulled the other two out of their own asses for victories. They finish up with a loss next week at PSU, then get perennial nemesis Iowa at home, before travelling to a vacation game at Hawai(slight pause)'i to close things out.

UCk-LA Pulls One Out (Ew)
So, does anyone else see some glaring parallels between this year's UCLA team and the Cade McNown-led bunch who jumped out to a 10-0 start -- aided by numerous 4th-quarter comebacks against less-than-stellar Pac-10 competition -- before choking against a mediocre Miami team and then getting pushed around by Wisky in the Rose Bowl? No? I'm not the only one? I didn't think so.

The Big Three


Boy, did they not even show up for the first half of that game against Oak State. You know why? Because they didn't have to: that OSU team, along with pretty much the rest of the Big XII, is completely freaking worthless. I feel kind of bad for Mack Brown (okay, no I don't), because the year he assembled what is probably his best, most legitimate team, his conference is totally letting him down. After the win at the 'Shoe, they aren't likely to get challenged the rest of the season before their bowl game. That league blows. Hard. Will it hurt the 'Horns, in either their preparation for their bowl game or in the BCS? We shall see.

Vickginia Tech
Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick Marcus Vick.

My opinion? We still don't know just how good they are. As tough as the ACC looks, their best win is a toss-up between BC and Ga Tech, when GT played without Reggie Ball. It says something when your best road win of the season is over West Virginia. Miami and (probably) Florida State remain, but neither team looks like the power we thought they'd be in the preseason. I have to say, though, that they have the national title formula: great defense + very good running game. Although they (and Florida) should certainly lose points after wearing those hideous one-colored-sleeve abortions out on the field. Hang 'em up. Guh.

Also, UGA lost and the SEC stayed deathly, mind-numbingly boring this year. That is all.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Who Loves Jean Van de Velde?

I do. Do you?

Wow, I am still here

Oh, you guys are so cute with your questions!! I just want to eat you up. Don't worry, I'll try and answer them all.

Evan vs. OSU 2002 vs. OSU 2005

Offense - Nice work on the numbers E-doggy, those numbers are striking how similar they are. Now let me give you my take

2002 with Clarett - This offense was better than the 2005 version b\c of Clarett. 2005 there's actually more talent on this team, especially at the receiver position. But Tressel's offense is built around one major factor - an effective and powerful running game. '02 with Clarett had it. Now, once Mo went down, the '02 team was worse than the '05 version for the same reason. If neither team has a power running game, then the team with more weapons is superior.

The most "fustrating" part of the 05 team is the fumbles. JEEZUS TROY STOP IT!! However, he's not going to, b\c it's what he does. The 02 offense sans Clarett was terrible. I mean, basically it was there job to just improve field position for the defense, they really weren't expected to score. Remember the Illinois game?!?! AHHHH!! That team took us to overtime.

In my opinion, there's no question about the defense: 2002 was better. The D-Line and secondary were phenomenal. With Kaiser strong up the middle, that unit controlled the game.

Summary, the single main problem with the 05 team is turnovers. I believe we're around -14 for the season. We'd easily be 6-1 and probably 7-0 if that was even cut in half. Especially the Penn St. game. Even one fewer by us, or just one by the kitties and we probably win that game. My prediction: I'm in pain.

Basesball vs. Replay vs. White Sox

I'm actually against replay, in basically every form conceived for baseball. If you wanted a review for fair/foul homers or for homers clearing the yellow line on the fence (especially with all the crazy stadiums now), I would support that. All others, no dice.

A month ago this White Sox team was considered the shakiest of all playoff teams, and many were pretty sure they'd lose in the first round or the Indians would overtake them. Instead, they sweep the tribe, then the bo sox, lose once to the angees, then sweep the stros. 12-1 to secure a spot then through the playoffs. It's a shame that the bizarre play calls overshadowed how impressive that was. What's even more bizarre was the world series. I watched most of games 2,3,4 and if one play had gone houstons way, they win all those games. It's just wild that the pale hoes swept them, but I've never seen a clearer example of "team of destiny" than the ChiSox. I mean, even houston's roof was kept open. Which I think was done so the blimp could get better pictures. Which would have included this one, from every angle possible

In case you missed it in the to wedding pics. Now, let's together relive the top 10 Neary-Sanders wedding weekend moments...eerrrr...together.

10 -- Pound It: Jackson and I kept "fist pounding" and adding new twists to it. First, the fist twist, then a girl scream, then both with a full body twist. Never got old

9--Dancing with my suspenders around scooter. The Picture says it all

8--30 seconds to pounce: I was in the church for less than 30 seconds when my current frumpy love< mounted me. Also, there was nearly a fight for me at the reception.

7--Raining tears of...boyfriends: It was in fact raining during the ceremony. The priest decreed it was the tears of all of Joanna's past boyfriends. I enjoyed an inward chuckle, and caught a couple of comments about the priest's remarks post-union.

6--Flower behind my ear: At the reception, I constantly had a flower behind my ear asking people if they "want to take my flower".

5--Hooker, hardly know her: Upon check-in at the Kwality Inn, I "swiped my card at the back door" and allowed a prostitute into the building. A 50-year old woman, missing teeth, in a mini-skirt, with a plastic sack full of beer, without a key, asking me which way to room 122 has to be a hooker.

4--Women's underwear in elevator: Later that day a pair of women's undies showed up in the elevator. (Sidenote - The Rhode Island Univ. soccer team was also staying in my hotel and broke the elevator by jamming 12 people into it, which was roughly the size of a big telephone booth.

3--Choices regulars: The hotel bar at the holiday inn was called "choices". It was full of bass, ugly people, and two dozen cops. It also had a 40 year old with a "bangin body" and a face that time had not been kind to. We went two nights in a row. She was there both nights, wearing the same clothes, dancing the same dance, all by herself.

2--Jackson riding back in the mystery van: After leaving Choices on Friday night, I had to walk back to the Kwality Inn in the freezing pouring rain. Jackson, Matt, and Jim all walked back to the I thought. Apparently some random guy offered them a ride in his van. The man was staying at the Tally-Ho (which has hourly rates) and had a person (passed out or dead) laying in the back. They all gladly jumped in and took the ride. Also, they saw him the next night as Choices too.

1--Those are balls: My previously mentioned frumpy love was also in attendance at the reception and at Choices on Saturday night. Before we left for Choices, we were all talking, and she stopped someone else mid-sentence to tell me, "you have beautiful eyes, I want to breed with you". The roughly 7 people standing there were all shocked, and I just said "wow". Later on at choices, I was talking to her, Scott, and Jordana when she tugged Jordana's shirt and said, "I like boobs" then said, "I also like these" and proceded to grab my junk. It wasn't gentle. More like, "you won't give it to me, so I'm talking them (those are mine)" sort of grapple. It was the highlight of scott's trip. Later on, she did it again. The next morning, I woke up with scott in my bed.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Divine Intervention and Video Monitors

So, I'm not trying to make light of the horrors that have affected southern Louisiana in the last few months, but sports-wise, I have to say that one thing has been made abundantly clear in the recent weeks and months:

God hates the Saints.

Quite frankly, I don't think this observation can be controverted. Misfortune seems to have set up shop squarely overtop of the Saints, slapping and punching and cornholing the organization and its fan base pretty much nonstop since late summer. (Of course, an argument could certainly be made that fate has been doing this to the team and its fans for going on 40 years now; it's just that the most recent examples have been much more tangible.)

I mean, look at what's happened to them: Katrina ravages the city, destroying the Superdome in the process (or, as Flava Flav would say, "in the progress"). People need to be evacuated, and the team is stuck playing "home games" in San Antonio and Baton Rouge ... not to mention the fact that they were robbed of one of those home games in week 2, as the Giants were granted an unprecedented home "road game." The team's best player, DroppaDeuce McAllister, gets hurt for the year in week 5. Two weeks ago, they get jobbed by the refs in Atlanta, as the Falcons missed a potential game-winning field goal, only to get another chance at it from 5 yards closer because the Saints were called for what may have been the first "defensive holding" penalty that's ever happened during a field goal attempt. Then, of course, last week, the Saints were driving for a go-ahead score in St. Louie, and their TE caught a pass and was tackled. While on the ground, a Rams DB ripped the ball from him and returned it for a TD. The refs ruled -- patently incorrectly, as replays showed -- that the TE never had control of the ball, and that the DB therefore intercepted the pass and returned it for a game-icing TD. The Saints had no timeouts, so they couldn't challenge the ball, and the play started with 2:10 on the clock, before the 2:00 warning, so the play couldn't be reviewed absent a challenge. If the play had started 10 seconds later, the call would have been overturned and the Saints would have had the ball at about the Rams' 15-yd line, down by 4. Instead, they were down by 11 and yeah, pretty fucked. What a season for the N'Awlins Saints and their fans.

On the exact friggin' opposite end of the spectrum, the Chicago White Sox continue to live what one writer has referred to as a "charmed life." They have been the beneficiaries of an inordinate number of controversial calls in this year's playoffs, a postseason which is rapidly and unfortunately looking like it's going to be remembered more for umpiring blunders than fantastic clutch hitting and pitching (of which there has been tons, despite the bargain-basement, low low ratings). Because of the umps' tendencies to fuck up at the absolute most inopportune times this year, debate is hotter than ever over whether or not instant replay should be implemented into bases-ball. Any baseball replay system would be regarding plays in the field, and not balls and strikes. Some feverishly oppose replay in baseball, and some think it would do much more good than it would harm.

What does y'all think?

"When will then be now?" "Soon."

So I went to the Michigan State-Ohio State game a couple weeks ago. Incidentally, I sun-burned the crap out of my face... but that is neither here nor there. Not there, THERE!

While watching the offense flounder against the Spartans I was suddenly reminded of the frustration of watching the 2002 offense. And I began to contemplate the differences and similarities of the two offenses, which led me to then contemplate how the special teams and defenses compare. The more I thought about it, the more I noticed similarities between the two teams. So I decided to do some research into the matter, and I found some startlingly similar statistics between this year's offense and the offense of 2002:

Average Net Yards/Game364.5376.6
Avg. Points For29.328.6
Avg. Time of Possession31:4531:45
Average Rush Yards/Game191.3176.0
Average Yards/Rush4.34.2
Average Pass Yards/Game173.2200.6
Average Yards/Pass8.77.9
TD:INT Ratio22.25
Pass Completion %61.862.7

And while I perused these statistics, I noticed some similarities between the stats of the defenses and special teams that may not be as striking, but are still worth noting:

Average Points Against13.014.6
Average Yards/Punt44.646.7
Average XPs/Game3.23.3
Average Field Goals/Game1.81.9

There are, of course, some noticeable differences as well. For instance the number of rushing touchdowns per game is much lower this year than in 2005. Also, over half (16 of 31) of the rushing touchdowns in 2002 were scored by Clarrett, whereas Troy Smith has nearly all of the rushing touchdowns (8 of 10) this year. The 2002 team was very good at holding onto the ball and only lost 10 fumbles in 14 games, whereas the 2005 team has already lost 11 fumbles in 7 games. And Hartsock had a much more prominent role in the passing offense than Hamby does this year. Let's send him death threats.

So I will put the following questions to you, the other loyal readers and contributors... all 3 of you.

1.) Can we officially remove the "loyal reader/contributor" label from Todd?

2.) Which Ohio State offense was/is more frustrating to watch - 2002 or 2005?
Author's note: I contemplated limiting the comparison to the 2005 offense vs. 2002-without-Clarrett-in-the-line-up offense, but I decided against it. The offense was considerably more effective with Clarrett in the line-up, but I'll leave it to you to make or not make such a distinction as you see fit.

3.) Which Ohio State defense was/is better - 2002 or 2005?

I've got my opinions but I'm trying not to inject my bias into the post, so I'll let you guys respond first. If anyone responds at all... Is this thing on?

Monday, October 24, 2005

The Neary/Sanders Nuptuals

So Mike and Joanna got married this weekend, and Dids and I served as Groomsmen (with Kristin there as a bridesmaid - so, 3 people who read quasi-regularly were involved), cracking jokes, getting rides back to the hotel from strange men in vans, and generally improving the proceedings, as one would expect from us. Along the way, many many many many MANY many pictures were taken of the ongoing goings-on. Tons of those pictures feature Todd and/or myself, and viewing just one of those pictures would easily get you your FDA-recommended daily allowance of Fruit. But I'm just gonna include my favorite one here.

Yes, that's Todd with his tux suspenders around Scooter's neck, with Scooter displaying what I feel is an appropriate amount of terror and ... you guessed it: "curiosity"...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Hey, it's a post.

I'm a big fan of JumboTrons. And now, I'm an even bigger one. I'm really not sure why it's offensive at all. It's not like they called it "lazy-cam" or "beanervision". And what about the asians? That would have to be "slant-vision". We shouldn't leave out the blacks, we'll call that one "Cell Block C Security Cam". Whites? We don't make fun of white people.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

An apology to the Angees

As with last year's baseball playoffs (sorry, I would link to last year's comments, but stupid eBloggy doesn't allow you to link to specific posts. And it becomes even more obvious why we jumped ship from that craptastic blogging vessel and set up shop here at Blogger), right after the MWB declared its allegiance to one team, that team went into a ricockulous tailspin, getting no breaks and losing like they're the friggin' Tigers. Last year it was the Cardinals, this year it was the Angees, who've encountered more bad fortune in the past half-week than most teams outside of the greater Cleveland area have in the past fifteen years. Okay, that's an exaggeration. But it sounded good.

So, I'm taking this opportunity to disavow's endorsement of the Los Angeles Angees of Anaheim from somewhere near Encino. I apologize to any Angees fans who are unfortunate enough to cross this tiny corner of the blogosphere. Also, cleft.


Friday, October 14, 2005


So, I've added some new links over yonder in the "Links of the Moment" section. I've included one about a moderately lame site called The Facebook, a kind of college-oriented meet-and-greet for semi-web-savvy students. I included the link partly because I thought it was funny and/or true, but also as a tangential excuse for me to post the picture from Al's Facebook profile. I think it was a noble cause.


I didn’t get a chance to weigh in on this yesterday, but the ending of that friggin’ Sox/Angees game Wednesday night really pissed me off. At this point, I think it’s fairly obvious that umpire Doug Eddings fucked up, looking like a total deer in the headlights as A.J. Pierzynski ran up the first baseline. It seems ridiculously clear that 1.) catcher Josh Paul caught the ball; it didn’t bounce, 2.) Eddings rang up Pierzynski as out, and 3.) Piersynski started toward the dugout, crossing homeplate, meaning that he should have been called out for being out of the baseline, at the very least.

Yes, that all bugs me. However, what annoys me even more is the absolute and complete refusal by Eddings and the other five umpires on the field that night (and any other umpire who comments on the situation) to admit that they fucked up in any way. The explanations for what happened after Pierzynski swung and missed have ranged from "creative yet dubious spin-doctoring" to "outright lies." An example of the former is Eddings himself, who went into full-on politician mode after the game, saying that his arm motions after the swing-and-miss indicated a third strike, but not an out. "That's my strike three mechanic, when it's a swinging strike," he said. "If you watch, that's what I do the whole entire game."

Now, I’m no umpiring guru, but Eddings made two distinct motions after the play: he stuck his right arm out, parallel to the ground, and then he did the closed-fisted, semi-punching "L for Larry" motion, which, in my admittedly limited experience with baseball, IS THE UNI-FUCKING-VERSAL SIGN FOR "YOU’RE OUT." This leads us to one of two possible conclusions: 1.) that Eddings is lying, and he called Pierzynski out and is now scrambling to cover his tracks, or 2.) he’s telling the truth, in which case someone really better tell him that his "strike" "mechanic" is alarmingly and confusingly similar to the motion that every other ump in the fucking galaxy uses to signify that a batter is out. Without the luxury of a replay of the entire game, I can’t say definitively whether it’s one or the other, but they’re both shitty options, and at this point Eddings looks, at best, like a masterfully slimy politician covering up a mistake and at worst, like a bumbling fool (because of both his total indecision while the play was happening and his ludicrously confusing "strike three mechanic").

The example of an outright lie comes from - holy crap, I can’t believe it - baseball itself, as umpire supervisor Rich Reiker claims that baseball has some kind of internal replay capability, and that whether or not Paul actually caught the pitch is "inconclusive at best" according to their replays. "We have some technology and (crew chief) Jerry Crawford saw it, also, the whole crew, and there was definitely a change of direction there," Reiker said. Well gosh, Mr. Reiker, can I just say that that is a load of bullshit? He caught the freaking ball. Also, saying it’s "inconclusive" and then saying there was "definitely" a change in direction seems somewhat counter-intuitive to me. Maybe I’m just stupid for thinking that "definite" and "inconclusive" are pretty damn close to being antonyms.

And yes, let’s get out of the way two obvious points. Yes, Paul could have rendered the whole "indecisive umpire" factor moot if he had just tagged Pierzynski (although, in his defense, he caught the ball, and he knew he caught it, and he never even considered that it might be an issue). Maybe he should have done it, but that doesn’t change the fact that Eddings is clearly Culprit #1 here. And yes, the call/non-call/reversed call didn’t technically cost the Angees the game, as they had only scored one run against Hurly Beurhle, and the game was headed to extra innings. But the point is, the Angees HAD played well enough to get to extra frames, and they were unfairly deprived of the opportunity to earn the win in extra innings. So, in the span of about ten minutes, I went from "rooting for a good series but indifferent about who I wanted to win" to "rooting for the Angees to win in five." Incompetence happens even though it shouldn’t, but the attitude of Eddings and the other umps just royally cheesed me off. Yes, I’m talking like I’m in an After School Special in the 70s now. But I’m pissed, give me a break. We’ll see how this plays out.


Thursday, October 13, 2005

Wheelchair-Basketball Players Stunned By Thunderous Slam Dunk

Wheelchair-Basketball Players Stunned By Thunderous Slam Dunk

Courtesy of

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Selig needs to start pulling some Stern moves

Ok, so with the Red Sox and Yankees out, that officially pulls all interest away from baseball and moves is completely to football (where it was anyway). I watched highlights of game 1 of the ALCS last night, and Rothlesboban's injury got more air time than the whole game of the Angels/White Sox, that should tell you all we need to know. So what's stopping Selig from rigging the playoffs to get the Red Sox/Yanks in the ALCS every year? We're about 3 years away from baseball getting Hockey treatment with no espn deal and showing games on OLN (that's where they show cycling too!!). The most dominate players in baseball are both over 40. Bonds is gonna break Aaron's record and....NO ONE WANTS HIM TO!!! Other than this guy, it's hard to find marketable persons in the league...It's a strange time in land of diamonds. Anyway, let's look at the LDSes and how close I was with predictions, b\c I rule....

Dids's Prediction: Whities in 4
Result: Whities in 3
Two weeks ago the ChiSox were the "shakiest team in MLB history" and now they're the World Series favorites...that's why I love the media. Yes, I was right, Boston had NO pitching, not even a little. I watched a little bit of Game 1 and it became glaringly obvious that the White Sox were a better, MUCH better defensive/pitching/baserunning team than the Red Sox. As a result, they get swept.

Dids's Prediction: Angels in 5
Result: Angels in 5
Nothing will ever top watching the Yankees lose

ALCS Predition:
I'll stick with what I said before: Halos downed by the Pale Hoes in 7

Dids's Prediction: Cards in 3
Result: Cards in 3
Easiest prediction in baseball history

Dids's Prediction: Astros in 5
Result: Astros in 4
I was so BORED with this series....I still am

NLDS Prediction: Why is everyone all over the Astros? I don't understand. The St. Lunatics are still the better team. Their bullpen is way underrated. Cards in 6

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Quick Idiotic Thoughts on Bases-ball

So, the LCSseses start tonight, with the Southern California Angels travelling to the Windy City to take on The Other Chicago Team, the White Sox. I'm here for no reason.

But I am gonna give you my idiotic knee-jerk thoughts on the first round of the playoffs, the LDSseses.

First Enormous Caveat: I watched maybe fifteen minutes of baseball in the first round. Maybe.

Enormous Caveat the Second: Nobody cares about baseball. Yes, I know.


SAT time!

"The Braves are to losing in October what ... the Braves are to winning in the regular season!" I knew it! Yes, the Bravos have won their division 17,492 years in a row. But they have lost their last five postseason series. It's like they've become the Kansas State of baseball (if Kansas State was still good at football) in that everybody's like "Aw, look at that cute little Braves team, winning all those games! It's kind of a shame that they don't have a shot in hell at making any real noise on a national scale." Keep doing what you're doing, Braves. I'll be over here, not caring.

And can the Astros' bandwagon get any fuller? Is it in danger of overcrowding, or breaking a tire (or wheel, or whatever)? Now that Chris Carpenter has remembered that he's Chris Carpenter, doesn't the Houston pitching staff look uber-dominant compared to St. Louis? So, of course, I'm picking ... the Cardinals to win, under the oft-used "seek out the popular opinion and go the other way" paradigm. Huzzah.



I actually listened to quite a bit of Game 3 while in my car on Friday, driving home from work. Am I crazy, or did Orlando Hernandez Duque turn, like, 40 overnight? I mean, he had a fantastic outing in relief that night, and it was legitimately inspiring to, uh, listen to, but that fucker has aged in dog years since, oh, say, 2000. Nice to see him back on the mound in such a prominent role: I, like many others, was worried that Hideki Irabu had eaten him before getting killed while trying to take over Tokyo. Say it with me, people: Ira-BOOYAH!!!

And yes, I loved watching Bahston lose. Only downside: I didn't hear the word "hose" over the last week nearly enough times.

So A-Job batted like .133 in the series. That's adorable. Combine that with David Ortiz's quasi-adequate performance in the other AL series, and Christ, I mean, can't we just keep giving AL MVP to Vlad The Guerrero until we have a really, really good reason not to? You gotta love Vlad. I have a hot sticky man-love for the guy, and every year that I don't have him on my fantasy team just drives up the price I'm gonna pay for him whenever he reaches Year 1 of his inexplicable decline. I know you're all looking forward to that. And yes, I couldn't possibly be happier that the Evil Empire and the Evil Empire, Jr. are both out of the playoffs. If only the Bluejs had won the East and Cleveland had gotten the wild card. That would have been HOTT.

Oh yeah, and I'm including this paragraph from King Kaufman's column today, just for shits and giggles:

"Eighteen million books have been written about the 2003 and especially 2004 Yankees and Red Sox. If anybody ever wrote a book about the Twins vs. the Angels in 2002, I never heard about it, though a Google search did turn up an anime porn movie called 'Twin Angels.' Let's see the BoSox and Yanks match that."

Indeed, good sir. Indeed.

Dids, we gonna get any bases-ball analcysting from our resident baseball guru? You 'mo.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Pointless Previews on a Saturday Morning!!

JoePa on a rope-ah. He sure is an excitable old man. Yes, I am currently watching GameDay, marinating in my terror over tonight's game. Mmm ... sweaty.

Short things to say on some games today:

Iowa at Purdue
Ah, the Disappointment Bowl. If I had told you that one of these two teams would have THREE losses hung on them before we were even halfway through the season, you'd have laughed in my face, and your breath probably would have grossed me out. These two teams have been so freaking bizarre, I literally haven't got a clue as to what's gonna happen in this game. Wait a second, Joe Tiller's coaching ... Okay, Purdue is gonna lose by 3, and probably in hilariously heartbreaking fashion. Yeah, really going out on a limb there.

Eely-Nwah at Indiana
Ah, the Todd Bowl. There isn't a chance in hell that anyone in the country gives a crap about this game, except for Todd. Shockingly, if Indiana wins this game, they've actually got a scrapping, fighting chance at a bowl game (I KNOW!). A win here gives the Loosiers 5 already, and they'd just have to sneak one out the rest of the way. The really really REALLY bad news: they finish the season thusly: @ Iowa, OSU, @ MSU, Minny, @ Michigan, Purdue. Yowsah. Maybe they shouldn't be thinking that much about a bowl. Also, Illinois has a football team, I guess.

'Sconsin at Northwestern
Everyone hee'd and haw'd about Purdue's weak-ass schedule before the season started, but it looks like the Badgers got an equally-ginormous break, as they miss OSU and MSU. Having already gotten Michigan out of the way, their biggest tests seem to be @ Minny, @ PSU, and Iowa at home. Don't look past this one, though: Wisky's lost two out of their last three against NW.

Meenay-hota at Michigan
Does anyone think Minny's got a shot in hell of winning this game? Did their losing spiral start a few weeks earlier than it usually does? I think you know The MWB's answer.

I can't believe how much everyone is talking about the receivers for each team. This game has 16-13 written all over it, with one huge play probably turning around and/or winning the game for one team. If we had Craig Krenzel, Purdue Jenkins, Mike Doss, and Der Kaiser, I'd feel pretty comfortable about that. Right now? Less confident, although the presence of The Vest does warm my giblets. We'll see what happens.

Speaking of close games like that, I have no idea how NC State won the other night. None. That was a classic NCSU loss-in-the-making, and then Gee Tech pulled an NCSU and handed them back the game. Inexplicable.

Oklahoma at Neutral Site (against Texas)
As I said to one of our five loyal readers, if Mack Brown doesn't waltz through the Big XII this year, he never ever ever never EVER will. That league opened up like a dimestore hooker for Texas, and if they can't take advantage of it, Brown should be fired. FIRED. Yeah, I said it. Again.

Texas Tech at Nebraska
Very interesting under-the-radar game. How will the Blackskirt defense respond, going up against a Red Raider offense that hung two-under-par on them last year? Is Texas Tech gonna be a legitimate threat to Tay-hass (because, if so, they're probably the only one, unless you really believe in A&M, which, by the way, I totally don't)?

By the way, I don't know how many times I've said over the years, "Boy College GameDay is great, but the thing that I think would REALLY take it up a notch is some jangly faux-country ditty that namedrops every program in the top 20." And then - BAM - ESPN accomodates me. It's good to be the king. Although - and I know you'll agree with me here - it would be much better to be hanging out with the Burger King. I love that guy.

UGA UGA UGA at Tennessee
I've seen some commentators compare the way Rick Clausen fires up the Vol offense to the way another QB did the same thing, even though his coach, too, thought that some other douchebag deserved the starting job more. Here's a hint: the other guy wore orange too. Here's another hint: Brent Musberger once said he was "in danger of becoming a legend." That's right folks, perennial MWB favorite MAJOR APPLEWHITE. Whew, I don't even care who wins this game, I've got half a stock just thinking about Major Applewhite again. Major Applewhite. Major Applewhite. Major Applewhite.


Oh, uh, Tennessee by 6.

Catch you later, 'mos.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


Yes, I won the draft. I know, bow down before me. Even if the manscapers are winning the league with win/lose record, I do lead the league in total points. That's right, ME!!! BWHAHA!! Honestly, who else thought I'd have the most points and I haven't even PLAYED Chris Chambers? Not once! To be fair, you also never thought all my points would come from Giants, but hey, that's my forsight, insight, perfect dark farsight, and jewish foreskin working its magic.

College Football

UM/MSU - Okay, so I wanted Michigan to lose. However, it's probably best that they won. For 8 out of the last 10 years I think, Michigan has cost MSU losses in their next couple of games. I'm happy to know that OSU gets them next week. Also during that game, ABC did a bit on mobile QBs beating up on UM's defense. In order they mentioned, Troy Smith....Vince Young....John Stocco. Wait a second...WHAT?!?! I can think of a lot of things to describe John Stocco, and anything remotely positive about him as a player is totally false. Moreover, "mobile" is the LEAST thing I would call him. And yes, I've seen him throw. He throws much like Vick, just as inaccurate, only much weaker.

Continuing with terrible Wisky QBs, Brooks Bollinger continues to be on the Jets roster. However, when the top two QBs get hurt, they gets go sign 40ish Vinny Testaverde while he's taking his kids to soccer practice. So I think the question needs to be asked. WHY HAVE A QB ON YOUR ROSTER IF YOU WON'T PLAY HIM?!?! I mean, he has to know the offense. And if he's so terrible you won't play him, just get him off the team. Maybe, just maybe, the Jets have a no-pitch option package they're waiting to bust out.

So a great thing happened in the SEC. Bama killed Florida helping out OSU in a big way. But just when I thought, "man, this bama team is unstoppable, they might not lose", their best player breaks his leg!! HOORAY! Now, once Croyle gets hurt, they'll be a non-factor.

Rest of the Big 10
Indiana/Wisky - Yeah, Indiana can't stop the run.
Penn St./Minny - I'm so glad the kitties killed them, it'll wake us up, but we're still gonna lose
Purdue - Introducing your new head coach, Mike Price!!
Iowa/ILL - Iowa's just not that good

Oh yeah, baseball playoffs...prediction time
First, Indians, losing 6 of the last 7...I knew you had it in ya

Anyway...I figure eventually, the fact that the Yankees pitching stinks, and the Red Soxes's is even worse has catch up with them. Also, does anyone even care about the national league? Just curious. I think the Cardinals clinched in mid-August, so what do we even know about them? I'll pick them anyway.

White Sox over Red Sox in 4
Angels over Yanks in 5

Birds over Padres in 3
Astros over Braves in 5

White Sox over Angels in 7
Cards over Astros in 6

Series....Cards over Chi-Sox in 4.

Monday, October 03, 2005

A Quick One (About) While (I Was) Away

As some of our illustrious group of five loyal readers may be aware, I spent all day this Saturday at Cedar Point, sampling the joys that America's Roller Coast™ has to offer, including, but not limited to, the Raptor, the (Trojan) Magnum (Ramses, Shiek), the new-ish sports bar they got in there, and the new Pendulum Ridey Thingy. I spent approximately an hour and 20 minutes in the sports bar, and that was the extent of the football I got to watch that day. Hence, I have basically no idea what the shit happened, and after a week hiatus because I was lazy and swamped with crafting a mammoth post about songs for girly-'mos, I am hereby pawning off the writing of this week's TITACFAMFTTTAOST post to whoever the shit decides to do it first, Dids, Torgs, or Nips.

Of course, I have a few preliminary things to say:

1.) Former Yankee manager Buck Showalter has managed to royally piss off the Assholes in the Pinstripes, and, quite frankly, I couldn't be happier. They feel that Showalter, by pulling Mark Teixeira, Hank Blalock, and White Miguel Young in the third inning of yesterday's battle with Orange County's Los Angeles Angels of Somewhere Near Anaheim at Encino, was handing the Angels homefield advantage for their upcoming divisional series with the Yankees. If that is what Showalter was doing, then I applaud him for being a fantastic American. If it's not, then this was all just a thoroughly-enjoyable by-product of one coach's mundane decision. Either way, I'm ah-static (/Corso).

2.) Speaking again of bases-ball, one of my favorite sports columnists, Salon's King Kaufman, has his thoughts up about the ridiculous A-Job v. Ortiz AL MVP Debate. I mention this not only because I agree with him, but also because I want to finagle in here the fact that he authored my favorite NFL pick of all-time, this gem from Week 3:

"ARIZONA (0-2) at Seattle (1-1): Why do I have the feeling this won't be the last time this year that a .500 team and a sub-.500 from the NFC West meet with at least a share of first place on the line? I picked the Cardinals to win that division, but if they lose this game, they officially become fair game for a What the Heck™ Pick in Week 4. But guess what: I'm picking them straight up in Week 3. I do not have a good reason for doing this."

3.) I don't know if anyone saw this, although I can be pretty sure that none of you cared: the Lions totally got screwed yesterday in Tampa. If you didn't see it, the end of the game went down like this: the Lions had the ball, down 17-13, on the Bucs' 12-yard line with 20 seconds left. Joey Harrington scrambled to his right and hit a sliding Marcus Pollard in the end zone. The play was ruled a touchdown. REPEAT: THE PLAY WAS RULED A TOUCHDOWN. I admit, in real-time, I didn't think there was any chance in hell that Pollard caught the ball inbounds, but when they showed the replay, the time when Pollard caught the ball and the time when his knee slid across the out-of-bounds line seemed just about instantaneous. It was the very definition of a "could go either way" play. And do you know what the NFL rulebook says you should do when the play you're reviewing turns out to be a "could go either way" play?


However, lead official Gerry Austin apparently saw something that noone outside of Tampa, Florida did: indisputable video evidence that Pollard hadn't caught the ball by the time his knee touched the line. INDISPUTABLE!! For the convenience of readers everywhere, I have provided this JayPeg file, for easy examination. Now, how in the name of James Tiberius Tressel do you get "indisputable evidence" that that wasn't a catch? None of this is to say that the Lions played well, or that they're a good team, or anything. But they won that fucking game. That was a royal fucking screw-job, and Peter King pointed out as much in his Monday Morning Quarterback column today. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

4.) College Football Quick-hitters

  • Quite frankly, this turned out to be the perfect Goddamn weekend to not watch any college football. And I'm not just talking about the fact that the Buckeyes were on a bye week: outside of MSU/UM, Saturday's games were friggin' BORING and undramatic. Is that setting up some epic shit going down in the next few weeks? I sure hope so.
  • Speaking of OSU, holy shit did Penn State beat the living Jeebus out of Minny. That game next week, under the lights at Beaver Stadium, continues to terrify me.
  • What. The. FUCK, Purdue?!? No, seriously, what the fuck? I, along with pretty much everyone else, thought that -- with a competent running game, proven receivers, and a QB who is dynamic, if inconsistent; as well as a defense that rocked last year and returned every single starter -- the Boilers would be a relative force in the league this year, regardless of schedule. In reality, the offense has been more than adequate, and the defense has been gawd-awful. The Boiler D is currently 110th in the nation in total defense, leading me to believe that somehow, someway, that defense was doing it with smoke and mirrors last year, and that ASU's manhandling of that defense in the Sun Bowl was a showing of their true colors. Bizarre.
  • Speaking of that joke team in The Other West Laf, holy shit is the hype machine gonna be revved up for that Notre Dame v. USC matchup in two weeks. I wouldn't be surprised if the national media spent all of this week and next week talking about that game. Christ, I haven't read one thing about it yet and I'm sick of it already. 'Cause it's coming. Brother, you know it's coming.

5.) I have to mention that I had no idea Bob Loblaw was the Vagcretions' coach. Hey, anything that keeps Scott Baio gainfully employed, I'm in full support of. Although I have to say that I am really gonna miss Barry Zuckercorn. You know, he's very good.


Vagcretion Coach Hits Prime Time?

It isn't often that a football coach is able to transcend the sport into celebrity-hood, but that very thing has happened. Bob Loblaw, the well-liked coach of the Fuckaginal University football team has made quite a splash in the football arena and his quirky, if not sophomoric, sense of humor has been a fan favorite in VagcretioNation since his career began at Fuckaginal 2 years ago. The Fuckaginal students have even created a drinking game, popular on campus in Red River, Virginia, where, during each post-game press conference, students drink every time Loblaw says anything which could be construed as a reference to menstruation or anal leakage.

It appears that his popularity is beginning to pay dividends. Bob Loblaw's name and image will be used as a character in Fox's comedy series, Arrested Development. Bob will not be be playing himself since his rigorous football schedule won't allow it, so Scott Baio will have the task of portraying the affable coach. Scott has been living la vida dolce while he continues to collect his paychecks for a certain box-office hit, but the opportunity to play Loblaw proved to be too enticing. When asked if he had any advice to offer the thespian for portraying him, Loblaw simply stated, "Here's what he's gonna want to do... take a knee."

Loblaw's star is on the rise, riding a hemorrhaging horse into the stratosphere.