Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I need friends

I'm watching the OSU game by myself, but now I can share it with you instead of yelling at Terwilliger by myself. The game was going to be on ESPNHD but thank goodness it's not as Oden would probably look as old as Gene Keady or Teri Hatcher. I'm calling it now, Florida will lose tonight. I know you'll think I just added this if it actually happens, but I swear on my bag of dirt from the 31-16 '98 game.

18:00 --Neither team is scoring and they're blaming the cold air in the arena. I'll let you know how cold it really is as soon as they show the cheerleaders.

15:00-ish: Oden is taken out and we're playing zone just to toy with Purdue..HA HA more like PURDON'T! (My stuffed animal refuses to high five me for that one).

10-ish...I can't go and take a piss without us giving up consecutive baskets.

6:04-While I know they seem proud to use the term "Coffin Corner" every time we trap in our zone, I wonder if anyone else used the phrase "Bullshit Phantom Foul" for the one Oden just picked up. You know, we should do some research and see if officials call more fouls on the away team in the Big Ten. What's that? Oh...I invite you to the archives.

4:00ish Someone else just streaked by Terwilliger. Since Oden should be in the NBA can we give him 6 fouls per game? Ahh, Florida is losing by 10! I'm amazing. The Hoosiers could do us a favor tonight as well. I know their sorority whores are good for it! (stuffed animal just folds arms and nods in disagreement)

1:34 Terwilliger travels before he misses a 4 footer...then just bats a potential defense rebound to Purdue. He does that a lot.
Note to Butler: God made you black for a reason, dunk the fucking ball on a fast break! ...Butler then pulls up for a 3 instead of getting the last shot, misses.

Random halftime thoughts: Can you imagine what Linda Cohn would look like waking up with no makeup on? If her face was a classic children's book it would be A Wrinkle in Time. Purdue fans are having a "blackout" for the game. The Ohio State campus has one of those every year in the middle of May. (stuffed animal's jaw drops, he wasn't there) I WAS!

Living in St. Louis I get to see fun local promotions for the's how the commercial goes. It's grainy footage with garage band 2.1 guitar music. A strip club voice says a word every few seconds and it goes a little something like this, "" then a yedi streaks across the court.

Notice how little bench space there is on our bench. We're a Big 10 huge ass program and it looks like we're at a high school arrangement. One time when I played sat varsity basketball I had to sit in the second row of the bench for the first half.
I'm going to go check my car for "oil sludge" and then get ready for the 2nd half.

Beginning of 2nd half: Lavin next to Keady, I'm ready for the argument about which is the best direction to plaster your hair.

Keady once told John Sanderson he would be a big time player some day. No wonder he couldn't recruit all that well. (Please don't waste your time pointing out all of his good recruits, that wasn't the point of that phrase)

What's up with the Purdue mascot...look at him over there, tapping his feet all nervous like. Which cheerleader did he molest?
17:45 Butler lays up another half assed attempt, luckily no one is near. Florida down 11 at the half. I notice our guys like to shoot "the runner."

15:54 That's 3 fouls on Greg. Perhaps that earlier toying was coaching experience. Really a dumb foul. The good news is Keady is going back to his seat. I hope this burning sensation on my lap is from my computer. (stuffed animal rolls eyes). More commercials, I guess this monkey campaign is ending for careerbuilder.
Our team without Oden in gives me that scary "oh shit" feeling like when Steve Bellisorry would roll out to pass. Apparently Greg had a funeral today though...stages of grief are shock, denial, anger, fouling, acceptance. You're almost there Greg.

Our 7'1'' high school recruit had 29 rebound and 30 points the other night. The campus skyline could have twin towers 2 really tall guys next year. (this blog is awful, it needs a hot girl)

13:00--An over the back call against us. That could be THE type of foul that the home team always gets. It gets a lot of crowd response. Shit, Florida is coming back.

11:55 --Lavin, "Cook has an NBA type game." Which means he refuses to get on balance before a shot. Ron Lewis sure looks a lot better at Worthington Summer League schooling 40 year olds like Tony White.

Oden returns...

I'm waiting for stat to pop up about how much they've outscored us while Terwilliger is in because now that he's deep on the mini-bench, we're back up to a 13 point lead. White guys only screw up our offensive rhythm.

8:09--Hoosiers are up by 5! And as we go into the under 8 timeout Thad is bitching to the ref about what could be a number of things. Maybe he heard about this blog and how unfunny it's turning out to be. (stuffed animal finally agrees with me on something) Time to spice it up a bit...
This is my friend, Maggie aka "Wild Child" who will be modeling my t-shirts in the near future. Don't worry, I'll be whoring those out soon. This game seems to be under control but I'm not going to jinx it by pissing again. "No Brent, don't talk about football." Let's talk about NFL, did the bottom line just say 30% chance of rain for the Super Bowl? Hell yeah! Bears are looking better ---WHOA! ODEN JUST BLOCKED A SHOT AND BROKE LANDRY's finger! Not really, but he should have.

5:20--we're up 12, sure why not fire up a three from the corner...gees. Sticking with our Super Bowl theme. Remember how many Patriots it took to tackle the fridge? That's what Oden's supposed travel just looked like. He got revenge he Patrick Ewing's a ball because he can. More early 80's references after the break. But first we'll refuse to play smart and not eat the clock up.

There's talk of bonus coverage for that Indiana game. We have the ball for a minute and only fire up a 3 from the corner. Oden just missed the rim from 3 feet. Call a time out Thad, at least they'll be a minute older when they continue.

We inbound using our play known as "Let them almost steal it." Thad holds up 4 fingers to run that one. Purdue, down 10 with under 2 minutes, decides to teach our boys how to burn clock...thanks! (stuffed animal is sweating the spread...not the score, just on the number of times I reference him).

1:10--that should do it. Unless Drew Brees comes in, we're not blowing this lead. Onto the Indiana game! Don't foul!

Is "exclamation point" the most overused term in announcing?

Friday, January 26, 2007

Seriously, fire that clock-operator guy

If you watched SportsCenter today, or, shit, anything on the ESPN family of networks, you saw Duke -- at #10, unequivocally the most overrated team in the polls -- score a basket with like a tenth of a second remaining to beat Clemson 68-66. This is notable because the Devils shouldn't have had enough time to get the shot off, as is proven by the YouTube clip over at Deadspin; because of a presumably 97-year-old and senile clock operator, the clock didn't start on time when Clemson got possession and tied the game, and then ran too far once the tying basket had gone in. This led to an officials' conference wherein the refs but too damn much time back on the clock, which in turn allowed the Dookies to take a shot that they wouldn't have had enough time for had the correct number of seconds been on the game clock. And they made it and they won.

Why is this a big deal and, in my opinion a firing offense? Because the exact goddamn same thing happened at Cameron Indoor Stable on January 6 against Virginia Tech. Duke scored to tie the game with like 15 seconds left, and when VT inbounded the ball, the clock didn't start, and then a timeout was called and the clock ran for like 2 seconds after that. The officials put too little time back on the clock, and the Hokies got a tip-in "after" the buzzer had sounded, a shot which probably would have counted had VT had that extra 2 seconds that were stolen. Yes, even if they had the extra time they might have still worked the clock down to 4 seconds before shooting, leaving no time for a tip-in, and yes, the Hokies still ended up winning in overtime. But seriously, how does this keep happening? What the fuck is the timekeeper doing at Duke? Whose thousand-year-old grandmother is at the switch? Do we really want Old Man Patterson with HIS FINGER ON THE BUTTON?!?!

(edited to add: the absolute best part of the Deadspin post is the commenter who says "Man...Clemson got RAPED! Yikes...too soon?")

Sunday, January 21, 2007

How many years do we get this?

I didn't get to see the game yesterday because I don't get ESPNU. I was left to check updates on my cellphone or as my girlfriend calls it, "Hazardous driving that's going to fucking kill us!" I also read the AP article which was apparently written from an extensive interview with Steve Alford.
t3h linkz0rz

Hearing Alford reminded me a lot of JoePa in one of those press conferences in the past where we beat the shit out of his team. He raves about our team to avoid bitching about his own.

Anyway, the point is Oden was amazing. Let's look at his shot chart from this 12-13 performance...(When I cut and paste the shot chart the shots disappear)

t3h ch4rtz0rz

So if you go to the chart and enter Oden it appears that he has a "circle" in the rim and an x from around the block. Upon further review, he was 9-9 on dunks, 3-3 on layups (which are all represented by said circle) and 1 miss was from 5 feet away (as well as 5-5 from the line). It's no wonder Alford was so in love with him. Sorry Steve, he's going to the dance with us. (Who wrote that line, a high school newspaper editor?)

How many years will we have this blessing? He's almost too good to be true as far as being smart. He's not going to end up in handcuffs. He doesn't care about stats and is always thanking his teammates first. I believe we'll see at least 2 years. We won't win it all this year as we've seen how immature our team can be. I just hope they get a good run in the tourny though to game some experience and become hungry for next year. Where's the Final Four at in 2008?

So answer many years will he "be ours?"

Monday, January 15, 2007

thebowl.arrrggh: final standings grrrrrr arrrggh fuck

Okay, so ... nothing at all about The Game To Which We Shall Henceforth Never Refer. Just updating the standings to reflect how we finished up. Congrats to T. Lyon, who I guess is one of Jeff's buddies. He held off everyone because he picked Florida to win (Jeff, why are you friends with him/her?) -- if OSU had won THAT GAME ARRGGGHH, three people would have passed him/her. As it is, however, Mr./Mrs. "T. Lyon," you are the winner. "You're the first place / You're the first place / You're the first place boy or girl!!"

Also, to put a bow in the Adam saga, he didn't finish last. Despite the fact that she finished with a 16-16 record, Katey managed to lose to Smaves and his 14-18 mark, by a final margin of 253-242, point totals which placed the two in the ninth and sixth percentiles, respectively.

In other less-painful Buckeye-related news, the hoops team beat Tennessee on Saturday after Ron Lewis showed up and hit a 3 with 11 seconds left. Todd and I lamented afterward about how this OSU squad is frighteningly representative of the "young and wildly talented, but stupid" types of teams that he and I have been ripping on and rooting against since before forever. It doesn't feel good. We still have no idea of hw to attack a zone (quick tangent: midway through the first half, I almost had a heart attack because Othello Hunter flashed to the high post, received a pass from the wing, and instantly lofted a perfect dish to Oden for an easy score. It was the only time I've seen us play that little high-low game all season, which is a tad frustrating because, I don't mean to exaggerate here, but THESE GUYS COULD DO THAT ALL GAME EVERY GAME AND NO ONE WOULD BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT GODDAMMIT.), and Jamar Butler still doesn't seem to have figured out exactly where the hell he fits in with this team. They're so infuriating to watch because the potential's there for this to be an all-time-great OSU team, but they just ... they don't seem to know what they're doing. I just keep trying to remind myself that they're freshmen and that they're ostensibly still learning how to play, but seriously, they should know by now. Come on, Thad.


1Wells=SpaghettiT. Lyon23-940295.4
2Break of DawnJ. Morgan23-939091.1
3I Have a Raging ClueJack Fu21-1138588.6
4Easy Bake Dutch OvenNipsey22-1037381.7
5Joel Agrees w/ Mel GibsonRob Durham21-1137079.8
6Nyholm EntryM. Nyholm20-1235670.1
6Tobias Funke, AnalrapistReader Wise23-935670.1
8THE WESTENDER RETURNSThe Caveman21-1135468.7
9Doodle Von TaintstainThe Diddy20-1234965.0
10Neary EntryMike20-1234763.6
11Schilly-Mac with CheeseSchill22-1034058.3
12The House That Funk BuiltS. Lawrence20-1233756.0
13I'll Beanie U!Scooter20-1232144.0
14Moyer EntryDi22-1031942.6
15Milford ManFred19-1331539.8

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

"They look like good strong hands...Don't they?"

I guess what hurts the most is knowing that I was wrong for the last few months, from the time that the first poll came out that declared we were the greatest. All of that wrong wrong wrong. So each of you watched the game in a different setting. Some of us with friends at a bar, some of us alone (Reader Wise), and some of us flew out there just to be a part of the fun. After returning to work today wearing all black I had a hard time smiling about anything.

It's hard to come back to work after having fifty-one four days off. With school children taunting you all day it becomes even worse because when they're nine you can't tell them to go fuck themselves. So here it is...The Dur's trip to Arizona, complete with pictures, some cropped for poorly attempted comedic effect. The good thing about this blog is that I leave most of the game out of it.

I flew Southwest and left at 7:00 am Saturday morning. St. Louis has a big OSU following so there were quite a few red sweatshirts waiting. Apparently getting there at 5:55 (thanks Andra) still doesn't earn an "A" boarding pass so I was shuffled to the back of the jet. At 8:25 we arrived in Dallas to get on a new plane. I went to an ATM to withdraw $200 figuring that if I took it out in chunks, it wouldn't feel like I would be blowing as much on a ticket should the price fall to a reasonable level. The first two Buckeyes I talked to were bragging how they got a deal for $1100 each. A ticket was out of the question for me and suddenly I had $200 cash for drinking money instead. The first Florida person I saw looked to be an ogress one of their volleyball players. Close...It was the sister of their tight end "Casey." Let's just say she wasn't living up to her brother's position (rimshot).

The next guy was speaking Floridian mumbling about the SEC and had a strong resemblance to Leatherhead from Ninja Turtles. He was ranting about how weak the Big Ten was. Too tired to argue and distracted by the 2 teenage girls who cut in front of me and had faces that made Adam Morrison's shoulders seem clear, I took the high road (which I won't be doing much on this blog) and said nothing. The next shitty news was that we had yet another stop in El Paso. That explained the family in front of me who looked like they had just gotten off the boat out of the tunnel. I looked down on El Paso as we took off. Remember playing Sim City? Did you ever wonder what would happen if you made a town of all industrial zones? Answer: El Paso. We finally got a real snack after tolerating the mini-breakfast bars on the first two legs. Peanuts. 2 bags! F your allergies, geeks! Just waiting on my drink because "these pretzels peanuts are making me thirsty." DING: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, we're gonna ask that the flight attendents sit down as we've hit a rough patch." No OJ for me. Even though we're all buckled in and shaking like next summer's sequel "Michael J Fox on a Plane" the flight attendants are trying to keep us calm with cheers. "OK ya'll...O-H!" Hearing the O-H in a southern accent is like hearing Rosie give weightloss tips. Someone gave them a dancing Brutus so they played the fight song over the PA. I looked over at the Florida people...Surely it will get worse for them. It cleared up and we flew over the mountains while I thought to myself, "Why don't I live in a place with amazing landscapes? Oh yeah, Mountaineers don't
win championships." (If you're wondering, yes I now think with lines in my everyday life)

Night Life: Arizona's restaurant's were great--Mexicans aren't just for the kitchen, everyone. I did see something that baffled me...Lots and lots of fat girls with implants. Why? That's like a 165 lb. guy me getting my stomach stapled. If you have a fe G's to burn on surgery, try lypo first. Moving on...The highways were 5 lanes each way and lined with Achtung Baby's Joshua Trees and everything was 40 minutes away. We drove to Tempe on Sunday and found a table on a balcony at Gordon Biersch. After a few drinks I switched to double Jim Beam's with Sprite...after learning those were $9.50 I went back to drinking biersch.

I saw a guy in a Longhorns jacket in the restroom and complimented him on how nice everyone was down in Austin. He asked if we would cover the 6 1/2 points. I assured him we would, so he explained how he and his buddies just like to go to major sporting events and be "Texas gamblers." "How much are you putting on us?"

"About thirty grand." Flush.

Anyone have any idea how cold it gets in the desert? You'd better have a blanket on that horse with no name because 10 minutes after sunset that giant sun you always see on the weather map puts on a pair of nipples. Hoodies unite! That's my friend Deirdre who lives in the apartment I stayed at, plus she helped with photos.

Florida was outnumbered 10-1 but the few we talked to said they all went downtown to the classy places instead of Tempe. I told the people arrogance was our job, not theirs. On our way to another bar down the street some Arizona State students pulled up next to us and proclaimed that we sucked and next year they would be champions. Was this a plant? Finally a chance to unleash sports history 101 on them! "'97 Rose Bowl bitches! Jake the Snake ruined Denver! David Boston from Joe Ger--shit they're u-turning at us--Run!"

I see why everyone is moving to Phoenix though with such promising small businesses popping up everywhere.

The rest of the night was spent at the low key bar where only the locals were hanging out. They had 4 cats there so I sat with one. His name was Thomas and he purred. My girlfriend told me not to go near any...blah blah you know where this joke is going.

My friend Sally (who also lives at apartment) drove me home. 41 minutes feels like 2 hours when you're trying to stay awake. I snapped my head back trying to stay awake and upright or "Kennedy-ing" as I call it.

GameMonday: Finally! On Sunday we ran into a guy who probably wanted to sleep with Deirdre was helpful and mentioned we could sign up for a shuttle from his Ramada before the game. He got my number, placed the 12:50 reservation, and we were set for only $8 a person. It was just down the street from the apartment so we walked, aaaand of course it was the wrong Ramada. Take a guess as to how that conversation went. The shuttle driver called us and let us book it for an hour later. We found the correct Ramada and we were on our way. I've had nice cab drivers but this guy gave us cans of beer during the ride! Glorious. He dropped us off and we were on our way to sit on my throw as the...past the parking lots when I noticed an interesting sign. There were a ton of parking lots open right by the stadium. It wasn't like the limited situation just outside the Shoe, there were thousands right there. So could parking cost that much?!

Yes, yes it can and did! The $8 cab ride with beer was well worth it.
I kind of felt like part of the Evil Empire walking around the area. Florida people looked scared almost. We somehow ended up in line with their band behind the stadium. Their whole cheerleading crew was screaming, "There he is, Rob Durham! THE Dur is here! Did you hear he should get 2nd in the Stew picks?"

They demanded I sneak into this picture with other random OSU strangers. Finally, I could deliver the pictures of the Florida girls you so desperately wanted, needed to make this blog interesting. But alas, just because they're wearing Florida gear does not make them hot...

No my friends...Have you ever gone to that candy store called, "Mr. Bulky's?" Well, this would be his daughter. Other possible linemen pulling double duty included these other flag girls...

Notice the one who was instructed to hold a flag in front of herself all day. Those were velvet pants...goodbye Florida band budget.

"So Dur, what about our ladies? Did we have anything going on?" Yes. It cost $20 to watch the game on the big screen outside. Kind of a rip off but oh well, it's the title game. They can't put a damper on pregame festivities no matter who the band is...Oh gees. Shu-cking Bu-bba De-lux?

This band is like Blessed Union of Souls doing cover songs and crying for whores to come on stage with them, only one of which is okay to do in my book. He's not dressed like that to compliment Tressel, no, he would normally wear that vest and collar in the Arizona sun.

"The whores Rob, GET TO THE WHORES!" Okay, Miss Lovznuts took care of that...

This tramp was on stage for about 2 songs and the little girls knew to clear off. You want


This is why men around America still try to learn the chords to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" because as ALL of you already guessed, that's what was being played. I hope you enjoy these as I try to explain to my girlfriend why I had to get these shots for the sake of bloggerism. If you copy these, don't blow up the face, it'll ruin it.

We got up near the screen for the pregame and even found my brother's ex-girlfriend who I sat with during the 2004 loss at Northwestern. Perhaps we're bad luck together. The game itself was fun for exactly 14 seconds of regulation. It was like doing doing shots, but being forced to take them. Great at first and then it just feels like abuse. The first one was fun and ohh, here comes the second? But I wanted to enjoy the first--A third! Shit stop it! Ouch--quit yelling in my face! ...Speaking of things related to domestic violence, a couple of the Florida guys bumped into us and the girls around me. I went over to one and demanded he come back, apologize and not touch us again. Gees, I turned into that guy. For the first time in my life another man (who was bigger) was actually intimidated by me not accepting the open invitation to kick my ass. I composed myself and stood there with the other discouraged Buckeyes. Some Fl-whorida (you already did that whore thing earlier, Dur) girl was sporting a t-shirt that implied that they had t-shirts almost as crude as ours...

Yes, go F ourselves indeed. By breaking the foot of our own player (I assume most of you got that FWD, thanks Roy Hall). This girl yelled something about Cuban power, so I yelled back, "Oh, you won the NCAA in swimming too?" That never really happened but I wish it would have.

The next day at the airport was even more painful. The airport gift shops had Florida t-shirts already printed up WITH THE SCORE OF THE GAME! Probably made them out of recycled shirts that we wasted. I prayed that Texan who bet $30,000 didn't find me. I'll admit, I didn't wear any OSU gear either. I didn't want anyone to say anything to me because I wanted to snap back and be a dick about losing. In fact, I was waiting near a sports bar in the terminal when some people said, "You, you're a huge Buckey fan." I claimed, "No, not me." Then once again, another group, "We saw you at the game in red." "Sorry, not I. I would not care about the game." Finally a third accusation came, "Yes, he was one of the followers of Brutus!"

I said, "I swear to you, I don't know what you're talking about." Just then Stuart Scott yelled out, "Boo-yah!" on Sportscenter and I realized what I had done. Shame, shame, shame.

It still hurts. I've never taken a loss so hard in my life.

Thanks again to my friends Sally and Deirdre for a fun weekend.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

O - H - I - Ugh

Still-drunken thoughts after a shellacking to (not) remember:

I told you I told you I TOLD YOU THIS DEFENSE WASN'T THAT GOOD. All of you R-tards who at one time or another this season talked about the '06 Buckeye defense and uttered some variation of the phrase "they may give up some yards. but these guys make plays when they have to," (I'm looking at you, local sportsradio hosts Spielman and Rico-whatshisface) boy have I never been less happy to notice how absolutely and hilariously wrong you are about something. Despite possibly being put in less-advantageous positions by the DC (later), as Jeffy pointed out numerous times tonight, the tackling was horrendous, as UF players consistently got 2-3 more yards every play than it looked like they should have.

Speaking of the DC(s), do you guys think it might be a good idea one of these times to NOT RUSH THREE? The most pressure we brought ALL GODDAMN NIGHT was when we would rush 3 defensive linemen and bring a linebacker on a delayed blitz. It's worth nothing that this NEVER WORKED. NOT ONCE. And we never adjusted our defensive scheme; I could probably count on my left hand the number of times we brought five or (*gasp*) six rushers at Leak, and the complete and total lack of pressure was obvious, as Leak had what was probably the best game of the year, and possibly his career. Speaking of which...

Holy shitballs, was Troy Smith horrible. His performance tonight made his draft stock drop like a goddamn stone with Charlie Weis tied to it. He looked scared, jittery, and rusty, none of which I expected after numerous years and 51 extra days of Tressel tutelage. As we discussed during the debacle, we knew the game was essentially over when, midway through the first half, Troy rolled out, shifted away from the oncoming rush, and immediately tucked it to run, eventually getting taken down after about a 2-yard gain. All season, when Troy got away from the pass rush, he kept his eyes downfield, looking to make a play -- when he never even thought about passing on that play, and just tucked it to run ... well, I was more terrified then than after any great play made by Florida.

That being sais, I think we definitively KNEW the game was over after Florida's horrendous kicker Chris Hetland absolutely douched his second FG attempt through the uprights, making the previously 1-for-10-on-FGs-of 30-or-more-yards kickfucker 2-for-2, with both booted directly through. I mean, when it's your day, it's your day.

Lastly, I mean, I just have to know: ON 4TH-AND-1, WHO THE FUCK RUNS IT UP THE MIDDLE AND PULLS THEIR GUARD ON THE PLAY?!?!?!?!????!!!!!???!?!?!???!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Holy holy holy CRAP

Yeah, the game tomorrow. It's just ... I mean ... yeah. While most prognosticators are still going with OSU, the last week or so has seen a groundswell of "Gee, Florida's better than I assumed they were" editorializing on the part of pretty much everyone willing to take a serious look at the matchups featured in this game. While there still appears to be a presumption that the Gators bring to the table a hellacious defense and a so-so offense held together by trickeration, misdirection, scotch tape, and Tim Tebow, Florida's offense was better than that. True, they have no traditional "power running game," but the Gators have averaged a more than respectable amount of rushing yardage per game, and Chris Leak, despite some rumors of feminine body parts, is an effective passer. Todd expressed to me last night that he has a feeling that the month and a half off will have given Urban Meyer sufficient time to outsmart himself. Along those lines, I wonder if UF's gimmicktastic offense can be better prepared for in say, 51 days as opposed to the standard six. Since the BCS has given us exactly two true blowouts in the eight years of its existence, odds are that this is gonna be a close one. I have faith in Troy and Tress.

For crazy in-depth previewage and breakdownitude, cripes, you can go tons of different places. Plus there's SMQ's ongoing breakdown series. As far as the MWB's keys to the game, well, you know where I'm going:

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Direct Me!

I'm in 2nd place but can finish no higher for the picks. I'm the USC of the pool. I stumbled early, finished strong, and I'll probably whine about what could have been.
However, if my weekend adventure was a Public Enemy Song it would be, "By the Time I Get to Arizona." I arrive Saturday and for once I'm actually using Southwest Airlines to fly southwest. I don't have a ticket to the game so that puts me out and about in the public armed with my bullhorn, OSU cape, and the alcohol tolerance of a 16 year old girl. Any suggestions on what I report on or take pictures of? Florida girls? Mexicans? Actual gift shops for the worst franchise in NFL history? Let me know and I'll make it a point to make it so you can live vicariously through my abuse of sick days at work.

thebowl.challenge: the echoes, they slumber

In case you missed it, Notre Dame lost another bowl game, their ninth straight. In what has become a yearly tradition of joy and celebration for the proprietors of, the Irish got their asses handed to them, once again proving how they don't deserve to be playing in the big money games each January. Frauds, frauds, frauds, the lot of them. These bullshit rules that give Notre Dame special treatment -- essentially mandating, as Fiu said at CFN, that as long as the Domers don't completely suck, they're going to "qualify" for a BCS game pretty much every year, and once they've qualified, the bowls themselves scoop the Irish up because of their travelling asshole fan base of asshole travellers -- have to be abolished. No frickin' special treatment. Make them prove that they're actually, you know, good for once, before throwing them into these hilariously uneven matchups in BCS games. (BTW: the average score in Notre Dame's 9 consecutive bowl losses? 40-17. Thought you should know.)

But that's other thing: which would I prefer? A.) The Irish rightfully get placed in bowls that are more fitting with their talent level, and as such they occasionally win, or B.) The BCS system keeps favoring ND, so they keep ending up in bowls that they have no business in, playing teams much better than them, and thus insuring that this streak of bowl futility continues for the foreseeable future? It's a quandary.

As far as the pick 'em goes, I am proud to say that precisely 2 out of 24 people picked Notre Dame to beat LSU. It is not coincidental that one of the people who did is in last place, and none of the people who picked ND are in the top 14. Of the 22 sane people in the group, the vast majority of the confidence levels were in the 25-30 range, so: loyal blogtributors and readers, I salute you!

Also, as you can see in the comment to the post below this one, Adam keeps wanting special mention of how bad he's doing. The problem is, he just got passed last night because Katey picked Notre Dame (see what that'll do for you, kids?), while Adam picked LSU and had 32 points on it. As such, he's rocketed up to the ... NINTH percentile overall at Quite the achievement, that. So, as a present to him, I'll include him in the standings today. And let's all remember that even though he's no longer in last, he's still the only one in the group with a sub-.500 record so far this bowl season. Can he get to 16-16?!?!

1Easy Bake Dutch OvenNipsey21-846367
2Joel Agrees w/ Mel GibsonRob Durham20-943365
3I Have a Raging ClueJack Fu19-1051356
4Break of DawnJ. Morgan21-866348
5Wells=SpaghettiT. Lyon20-963339
6Schilly-Mac with CheeseSchill20-940332
7THE WESTENDER RETURNSThe Caveman20-963328
8Tobias Funke, AnalrapistReader Wise21-865323
9I'll Beanie U!Scooter20-993321
10Neary EntryMike19-1063317
12Doodle Von TaintstainThe Diddy18-1164312
13Nyholm EntryM. Nyholm18-1184303
14Milford ManFred18-1163291
15Moyer EntryDi21-893289
23Super SnavesDonnie Smavels13-1679227
24Munger EntrySteve's wife, Katey15-1462212

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

thebowl.challenge: four games to go!

I'm on the run, so I'm not gonna say much about the actual football that occurred this weekend, mostly because I actually, physically watched the games with almost everyone who will read this. I will say this, however: I like Boise, and despite losing like 28 points on that game, I am glad they won. But let's not get too crazy with the love, and remember that 1.) it took numerous turnovers and a frankly listless Oklahoma team that played the first half as if they knew they had nothing to gain from winning in order for BSU to jump out to their big lead, and 2.) once Oklahoma turned things on in the fourth quarter, BSU didn't have a chance in hell at stopping the Sooner offense and had to resort to backyard trickeration shenanigans in order to move the ball on offense. That game gets played 10 times, and the Sooners win 9. The Bronco victory essentially showed us something that we all already knew: Boise State is a very good football team who, if they get enough breaks, can probably beat just about anyone in a "one game" scenario. Also the end was really goddamn fun to watch.

In Challenge news, whew boy, what a clusterfuck we have at the top. Ciao.

1Easy Bake Dutch OvenNipsey20-877336
1Wells=SpaghettiT. Lyon19-966336
3Joel Agrees w/ Mel GibsonRob Durham19-974334
4I Have a Raging ClueJack Fu18-1080327
5THE WESTENDER RETURNSThe Caveman19-965326
6Break of DawnJ. Morgan20-893321
7Schilly-Mac with CheeseSchill19-952320
8Tobias Funke, AnalrapistReader Wise20-895293
9I'll Beanie U!Scooter19-9122292
10Neary EntryMike18-1089291
11Moyer EntryDi21-7122289
12Doodle Von TaintstainThe Diddy17-1190286
13ChupicabrasS. Munger17-1178282
14The House That Funk BuiltS. Lawrence17-1170280
15Nyholm EntryM. Nyholm17-11116271

Monday, January 01, 2007

Way to go Big Ten

So what are we good at, men's volleyball? I chose Michigan in the Stew because for almost 50 days all I heard was how they should be given another shot at us. Not only did they get drilled, they took it like me that loser on the playground who never fought back. 2 plays come to mind by the classy WR's of USC (keeping with title of this blog, I refuse to learn a player's name from the PAQ-10). The first was a touchdown where the player pointed at his defender as he coasted into the endzone a la David Boston. Why was there no penalty for taunting? Sadly, there was a penalty on the Michigan dweeb who "got even" by throwing all five feet nine inches of himself to the lower legs of the receiver. He was brushed off but still earned a 15 yard penalty which led to a short kickoff splitting the uprights and hundreds of spoiled USC students saying texting to each other, "Give us 3 more!" The next instance was another nice catch into double coverage. After he was down he handed the ball to the Michigan secondary as if to say, "Here, now you can touch it." No penalty there either. So Michigan gets beaten down, blatantly taunted twice, and comes out minus 15 yards in the ordeal. Way to make the conference look like Oregon State and even worse, ruin the chances of "Joel Agrees with Mel Gibson" to wear the crown. I will now randomly taunt Michigan blogs unpenalized (please pronounce as pee-nahl).