Tuesday, August 30, 2005


Okay, you are now able to make your picks. Info on joining the group is available here.

Happy picking.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Uncle Mo has left the building

And good riddance.

As you've probably heard by now, Maurice Clarett has been released by the Denver Broncos. This development leaves a few interesting questions:

Could he really have been that bad? I mean, isn't it fairly unusual for a team to waive their third-round pick before a single down of the regular season has been played? Is it possible that there's something we don't know about, about the kid been his usual assholish self and pissing the team off? Or did he just stink so much, and sit out so much because of injury, that they just decided to part ways with him before they had even played their last preseason game? One thing seems fairly certain: if Mo-rice didn't already hate Jim Brown and all the other idiots telling him to challenge the NFL's age policy two years ago (and I don't see how he couldn't have), then he almost certainly does now.

So he's out of The League now. Hey, it couldn't've happened to a worse guy. These are the kinds of things that happen to true freshmen who are assholes to begin with, and who are then treated to chants of "Mau-rice! Mau-rice! Mau-rice!" from idiotic fans a half-game into the season. Let's try not to let the memory of this douche tarnish our recollections of Buckeye legends like Doss, Wilhelm, Jenkins, and Krenzel.

Other lingering shizzle:

* Did everyone watch that EPIC Little League World Series championship game yesterday? Holy shit, that was one of the best games, at any level, that I've seen in like five years. And I love that the last inning had to be broadcast on The DroppaDeuce, as ABC felt the need to go to hurricane coverage (scoff) after the game went into extra innings. That gave it that "Heidi" quality, I think.

* "The U" kick returner Devin Hester is having a tough time getting fully prepared for the season opener, as he's stuck battling ... you guessed it ... turf toe. Reports that new QB Kyle Wright is going to be out with Hip Bursitis have not been substantiated. But I tore like five ACLs just typing that sentence.

* According to no less a reliable source than SI's Peter King, the last line of new starter Kyle Orton's bio in the Bears' media guide reads thusly:

"Has a dog, Elaine, named after the Seinfeld television show character played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus."

Well why not. I know I was wondering.

* More college football: ESPN has their preview of the season's biggest games. Pointless and obvious, yes, but what the shit. I still say that although it's being billed as "Vince Young vs. Theodore Reginald Inge, Jr.," the game is gonna be largely decided by the lines.

* I don't know if people who read this pay attention to bases-ball at all, but in case you didn't know, the San Diego Padres are leading the NL West with a putrid 64-65 record. They sit 5.5 games ahead of the 60-72 D'Backs. I don't really give a shit or see what the big deal is, since sub-.500 teams routinely make the playoffs in basketball and hockey, but whatever. Thought it was interesting.

* Also bases-ball related: if you don't think the Yankees are gonna win the AL East, you're crazy. And I don't really care, since I'm actually semi-rooting-for the Yankees this year because it would be less painful than another Boston title. After all, the only thing more annoying than a whiny fan of a losing Boston team is a whiny-yet-gloating fan of a winning Boston team. And although I can't physically root for the Indians, Columbus buddies, I'm not actively rooting against them. So there that is.

* If you haven't done it already, go see "The 40-Year-Old Virgin." Now. The film is everything "Anchorman" should have been but wasn't, and everything the first 45 minutes of "Wedding Crashers" was, before it lost its focus and wallowed in pointlessness for like an hour. We continue to get proof that, outside of maybe Cameron Crowe at the height of his abilities, nobody else marries comedy with humanity as deftly and amusingly as Mr. Judd Apatow. Bravo, sir.

* Lastly, if you watch "SportsCenter," you've undoubtedly enountered the impossible-to-avoid "50 states in 50 days" thingy they're doing. Well has anyone else noticed that the uber-annoying song they use for that segment is done by Bryan Adams? So this celebration of Americana, a painstaking tour of all 50 states in the Union, is being promoted with a song by a Canuck? What the fuck?

Truck, pluck, duck, puck, struck, muck, luck, cluck, stuck, buck.


That is all.

Friday, August 26, 2005


Herby just picked OSU to win the national title. Yeah, I know: no big deal. He's a thoroughly talented and unbiased commentator; he's probably the best college football analyst out there. Still, when he said it, I was somewhat perturbed. Then, just about the worst thing possible happened:


Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus Jesus Jesus...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Did's 2nd Annual Game-by-Game Forecast

Well, I did it last year, and this year I shall do it again. I did correctly predict the loss to Northwestern, but I just couldn't see us losing at home to wisky. However, we did. Also, I'd like to remind you fools that I did say Notre Dame would beat Michigan b\c it made no sense. Nonetheless, let's look at the new year that's starting...shortly.

I've heard comments like, "the '05 bucks are better than the '02 bucks" from the media. Guess what...I'm not buying it. The '02 had talented lines on both sides of the ball, experienced and established leaders on both sides of the ball, and a breakout running back. The '05 versions has unproven lines, uncertainty at QB, and still looking for a running back. Talent? There's plenty at linebacker and receiving. Here's what scares me about this team...They remind me a lot of the mid to late 90s Cooper teams. I'll admit that Zwick/Smith is a little more reasonable than Germaine/Stan Jackson. However, the lack of vocal leaders and plenty of talent is where I'm drawing the comparisons from. '02 OSU had Krenzel and Doss...'05 has Hawk and ?? Hawk has never struck me as a vocal leader. They need someone to step up. Also, Pittman did exactly what I said he needed to do, added 15 pounds in the weight room. Let's just hope he doesn't turn into Lydown Loss. Anyway, on to the prediction

Game 1: Miami(OH) - This redhawk squad is a solid team and they'll keep in close. There's always kinks the first week, and I'll be surprised if OSU wins by more than 14. The tight score will have the Texas line increase fo sho. Final: OSU 31 Miami(OH) 22

Game 2: Texas - The premier non-conf matchup of the season might not live up to it's billing. I think Texas has even more question marks than OSU. The talent level? Even. Home field advantage? You bet. Night game? Yikes. I'll give you Mack Brown, and I'll take Tressel...Game over. OSU 42 Texas 28

Game 3: San Diego St - Well, SDSU does have a decent running game...that should keep the game within 40. OSU 50 SDSU 13

Game 4: Iowa - Ahhh, remember last year? 33-7? You don't think that'll be everywhere in the locker room. That game last year is the only time I can ever remember an OSU team being physically dominated. It won't happen again. Well, unless they don't sack up. I think they will. OSU 20 Iowa 16

Game 5: at Penn St - Time to hit the road with the first away game of the year. Guess what? Penn St has the best defense in the conference...ugh. Uh oh...they have an improved offense. Snap. They'll be ready for us. Coming off a huge high with an Iowa win and the first roadtrip...you know it...letdown game Penn St. 21 OSU 17

Game 6: MSU - I'm already bored with this game. OSU 37 MSU 19

Game 7: at Indiana - A tough road test...sure. OSU 41 IU 6

Game 8: At Minny - This game is intriguing. While it's always a test to play at the gopher dome, osu always seems to squeak it out. Plus, Minny is a bunch of vaginals. OSU 21 Minny 20

Game 9: Ill-i-nwah - Zook...welcome to the big 10, now, get some talent. OSU 42 ILL 7

Game 10: NW - dooooo...do, doooooo....do, REVENGE, it's a tasty burger OSU 156 NW 0

Game 11: at Michigan - They CAN'T stop a mobile qb. However, they will continue to hold us (but no penalty) at bay in the big house and beat us when they probably shouldn't. Michigan 26 OSU 24

I've made my choice.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Simply Brilliant

This is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen. What a brilliant advertising move. I amused myself for 3 hours just playing around with this thing and it hasn't gotten old (that's what she said). They are all great, but the last one... wow, you just better hold on to something.

Just trust me.

Sean and Phil

Todd and Goro Inagaki

Jeff and Phil

Jackson and Al

Just a reminder

The college football pick ‘em needs to be joined by all the infidels who have thus far managed to elude our grasp. Hence, if on the off-chance that someone reading this wants to join the group, you know, knock yourself out. Huzzah. Group info is below (me).

Join an existing private group
group ID: 6690
group password: boban

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Oh dear

Well, the indomitable college football guru Stewart Mandel has predicted that OSU will win the Big Ten this year. I have to say that I have mixed emotions about this. Mixed between "terror" and "anger." This is the same idiot who said, going into the Alamo Bowl last year, that Teddy Inge was gonna have to "do something special" in order for the Bucks to "have a chance" against that putrid excuse for a football team that they had in Stillwater. And we all know how that game turned out: to date, it’s the only time Fiu did an SOC on a game and gave up before it was over because the game was so thoroughly dominated by one side. And now he’s picking us to win the Big Ten. He might as well have mailed a black cat to Jim Tressel. Fuck. Also, it bears mentioning that, being the only one of us who has never actually seen her, when I hear about the infamous "Erin," I picture her looking like Stewart Mandel. Am I way off?

Friday, August 12, 2005

Disjointed responses to Dids

- The Poll -
1.) In my opinion, considering the way the rivalry’s been dominated by Oklahoma lately, the only way you should ever ever EVER put Texas at #2 is if you have the Sooners #1. But that’s just me.
2.) Any pollster who doesn’t have USC #1 is a total moron and should have their ballot revoked. Now last year, I thought it was somewhat Kid-Icarus that USC was a near-unanimous #1, considering that they had lost 4/5 of their O-Line and 3/4 of their D-Line. Now, they return their entire offense, and although they lost some key players from the D (Patterson, Cody, Tatupu, to name a few), they’re still loaded. Plus, they have the super-sexy Matt Leinart, whose warm smile and carefully disheveled hair make him Dreamboat #1 in the MWB’s book. *giggle*
*In general:
1.) Polls are bullshit; preseason ones doubly so. Polls shouldn’t come out until ... I don’t know, every team has played 2 in-conference games. Why not.
2.) Four Big Ten squads in the top 16. Not bad. Missing OSU and Michigan, and getting Aiwa at home, Purdue’s on a gravy train with biscuit wheels to an undefeated season - personally, I CAN’T WAIT to see how Joe Tiller manages to find the banana peel this time. The X-factor: Brandon Kirsch. He’s shown flashes of equal parts ineptitude and jaw-dropping playmaking ability. Will he be more "Kyle Orton" or more "Brandon Hance"? The Boilerhomo season depends on that very question.
3.) The SEC outdoes the Big Ten, and everyone else for that matter, with 6 teams in the top-25, FIVE OF WHICH ARE IN THE TOP 15. So nine of the top 16 teams in the country are from the Big Ten or SEC. Yeah, that actually sounds about right. The total conference numbers come out about exactly how you’d expect: SEC - 6; ACC - 5; Big Ten - 4; Big XII - 4; Pac10 - 3; Big Least - 2; WAC - 1.
4.) Fiu answered the Duke quandary today on CFN: Steve Spurrier always votes Duke 25th in his preseason poll, if he is given one. Hey, I guess at least we know HE actually fills it out, and not his secretary.
*RE: Injun mascots
This is ree-fucking-diculous. Who the fuck is the NCAA to come in and tell Florida State, Illinois, Central Michigan, North Dakota, and whoever else that, even though the respective Indian tribes from which they take their team names all condone (or even endorse) the practice, they shouldn’t be able to go by the names Seminole, Illini, Chippewa, and Sioux? As Dan Wetzel said on yahoo, can the NCAA reasonably explain why the Fighting Sioux of North Dakota is offensive, but the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame is not? More importantly, if the aforementioned Seminole, Chippewa, and Sioux indian tribes are all okay with it, then why the hell interfere? Doesn’t make a lick of sense to me.
- Terrell Owens -
This guy might be the most self-absorbed person to ever walk the planet. I hope they carve his infamous quote "I love me some me" on his fucking tombstone. Anywhoodle, the pertinent questions regarding this drama:
1.) Was this whole thing (the showing up, then leaving) orchestrated by T.O.?
A: Oh, undoubtedly. He even said that he would show up to training camp and make a scene. Rather than hold out, he decided to show up to camp, pout like a petulant 5-year old, and piss everyone off to the point that he gets booted from camp. Incidentally, I think my favorite part of the saga thus far was when, as he was trying to negotiate his deal prior to training camp, he actually came out and said they should all just act like adults and figure something out, while mere seconds later dropping the vague threat, "I’ll be there (training camp). But I won’t be happy. Take from that whatever you want." Yes, T.O., that’s very adult-like. But hey, what can you expect - the guy carries himself at all times like a small child who thinks the world revolves around him.
B.) Do NFL teams routinely screw players, back-loading their contracts, then renegotiating the number down (or even cutting the guy) when the player becomes less productive later in their career?
A: Absolutely. It’s a sad truth, I know. But you know what? THAT IS WHAT YOUR UNION COLLECTIVELY BARGAINED FOR YOU. THAT IS THE LAW UNDER WHICH YOU OPERATE. The proper remedy is to be pissed at your union reps and elect new ones the next time you get the chance. Or bring a grievance, which you will undoubtedly lose, because, you know, that’s what your union bargained.
C.) Did Owens outperform his old contract?
A: This is where you get into some problems. Yes, he had a huge year last year. But his contract is for 7 years and $49 million. That makes him the 3rd-highest paid WR in the league. And if you add up his numbers over the last five years, statistically he has been ... guess what? THE THIRD-BEST RECEIVER IN THE LEAGUE. How in the hell is being "underpaid"? And people keep throwing around this idea that he’s getting "less than he’s worth," implying that his market value is higher than what he’s getting. Well, I got news for T.O.: what you’re worth, what your market value is, is not determined by WHAT YOU THINK YOU’RE WORTH. It’s determined by what you would get if you were out on the free market. After everything he has done the past 5+ years -- all the antics, all the bitching, basically all the distraction-creating -- are there really teams out there who would shell out more than 7 years and $49 million for him? Are you sure?
Plus, let’s not forget that T.O. bullied his way out of San Fran, then decided he didn’t want to play for Baltimore, and then HAND-PICKED the Eagles as his chosen destination. Everyone knows Philly is a tightwad organization. The fucker knew what he was getting into, and he was an absolute and utter asshole in how he got there. Now he’s gotta take his medicine, because he really doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
Okay, that’s all I got for now. DAS EIGHT RUCKY!

A few comments

I'm most (all) of you noticed that the preseason NCAA poll came out over this past weekend. I thought there were a couple of interesting things of note besides Ohio St. being 9th.

1) Texas:
part a) they're ranked number 2 - seems reasonable.
part b) they received 2 first place votes - look, I'm not a big fan of preseson polls, but if you have one there's NO WAY you could vote anyone but USC at number 1.

2) Also receiving votes:
If you look at the very end, you'll notice one glaring thing: "Duke 1" Duke went 2-9 last year and they'll be happy to post that record again this year. Does one vote mean much in the grand scheme, probably not. However, I think you should at least take it seriously. Yeesh.

The Terrell Owens saga:
Everyone is talking about it, so I think I'll give my take too. Personally, I don't blame Owens for asking for whatever he's worth. But as Biggie once notoriously put it: Mo Money, Mo Problems. When you're already making 8 mill a year or whatever, and you don't think that's enough, the commoners (PLEEBS!!) have an understandbly difficult time being sympathetic for you. However, clubs are always, ALWAYS back-end loading contracts and then asking for players to redo their contracts for less money b\c now they're "not worth it". The money they were supposed to get (and rightfully earned) when they were "worth it" is now gone and they have to take a reduced salary or get waived. T.O. has beaten them to the punch, he figures, I better get the money now when I am "worth it" so that he doesn't fall...errrr...victim (it's hard to say victim when you'd make a butt load of money anyway) to this usual trap. So now all of Philly is pissed at him b\c he's being a dick. Mo money, mo problems TO. Nonetheless here's "Other reasons I love T.O."

While watching the saga this morning, these three things happened
1) They were interviewing him and his agent, Jew Rosenhausenflavor, and T.O. NEVER let Drew talk. I've never seen any chance for pub where Drew didn't talk, but even he took a back seat to T.O.
2) During that interview, T.O. was wearing a T-shirt that only had a blown up picture of him and who I pressumed was his mother. You know, one of those "straight from the county fair" blown up pic shirts. Good stuff
3) During another interview yesterday he was surrounded by reporters asking questions as he was doing shirtless sit-ups in his drive-way. I'm not sure I've fully absorbed how funny that was.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Because anyone who reads this site should know about it

Finally, the world's foremost resource on All Things Gheorghe...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

In Summation: He Went Home With Erin

What trilogy would be complete without a fourth installment? Certainly not the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, that's what. And in honor of the late Douglas Adams, I persevere in the face of convention to bring you yet another list. A list of...


I have a feeling this list will be considerably different from the other lists. Jeff's list was easy to come up with because he often treads where others fear to go, and often with fantastic results. Todd's list was easy because I've known him schlonger than the rest of the crew and I know him better... especially his grundle, which I (k)need. Jackson's list started off a little difficult but then got much easier as I went along. Harder and then faster. Harder and then faster. YESS!!! But I have a feeling that Cave's list is going to be so easy that it could practically write itself. In fact, a number of these will require no explanation because the story is so well-known. But yet I push onwards because I still think we need a written chronicle of his amazing... achievements?

Here we go...

1.) At Least 220: Erin. I don't need to explain this one as it's beyond legend status at this point. I think history books have already started including it in timelines of the twenty-first century. I can't thank Sean enough for providing us with this his greatest gift. Although he likes to claim he did it to provide us with a great story. Whatever.
2.) Good Thing I Have Backups: The two week period where Todd saying "I just tore, like, 3 ACLs," caused immediate rampage in Cave.
3.) Rampage Level 4: The poker game in which Cave got so frustrated with a hand that he reached over the table and slapped Todd across the face. Refer to Todd's list for details.
4.) Challenging the World: When we watched the 2003 OSU - M*ch*g*n game in the GreekTown casino, Cave was practically asking to get his ass beaten by everyone there. He did a good job of it, too.
5.) Just One Question: "What's cooler than ice cold?" Being cool?
6.) Speak of the Devil: The is the one Sean moment that he wasn't even present for. Phil and Sean had just moved to their Runaway Bay apartment in the last couple weeks. With everyone else attending the game, Phil and I were left to fend for ourselves. We decided to check out the game at a sports bar near his place. Neither of us had been there before and we had no idea what we were getting into. The Cliffside had only about 3 people in it, bartender included, and they probably shared one tooth. But they did have a big screen television broadcasting the game and Phil and I sat down, drank heavily and enjoyed ourselves. Early in the third quarter, Phil says out loud "Hey, I wonder where that Cave is." Literally, the second he finished saying that the Cave appeared on the screen as they did an up-close sideline shot. He wasn't the only one in the shot, there were probably three or four people in it... but his was the only face you could see. It was funny and cool and scary all at once. It's coincidentiality (go with it) would only be exceeded by Dr. Fudge's appearance after Todd's engine died on the 2002 Purdue trip and began emitting a cupcake smell which was apparently some sort of olfactory "Bat Signal" to the aforementioned towing specialist.

Incidentally, Phil and I looked at list of specials and we decided to order two shots each of the girliest drinks we could find. Thus began Phil's tradition of ordering Washington Apples at The Cliffside.
7.) Do These Jeans Make My Ass Look Fat?: Anytime Cave and Phil get into a tiff.
8.) You Know You Want To: "Get her number!". Todd to Cave. Taco Bell near Findlay, Ohio on the way to Jackson's parents' place.
9.) Stuck In the Middle With You: Same Taco Bell, same trip. Todd locks Cave out of the car while he gets cornered by the woman in the parking lot. He tried to nonchalantly open the door to leave the conversation but couldn't and it was fantastic.
10.) You Know What I Just Realized?: Well, no one else will really appreciate this one since neither Sean nor Phil ever read this thing. But Phil, Sean, and I were watching Anacondas one night and there was a scene with a guy who kinda looks like he has Native American in his blood. The group was trying to make it's way out of the jungle. They paused to take a breather. The camera cut to our Native American friend as he stared reflectively out over the expanse of forest in front of him. Sean, without missing a beat said, "I'm the last of my tribe..." The timing was flawless and is, without a doubt, the funniest thing I have ever heard anyone say during a movie. Even better than "What is this... a wet teacher contest?" and even better than "Huzzah!". It was so funny that we had to stop the movie while we laughed for the next five minutes. We of course watched it again and no one even dared saying anything this time because the delivery couldn't be topped, but remembering his delivery made us laugh enough again that Phil and I immediately gave him a standing ovation just from our mental re-playing of what he had said. Unbelievable.
11.) Maybe He Knew Then...: ...that he would get with Erin a year later. Phil, Sean, Frange, and I went down to campus for the OSU-Purdue game in 2003. Frange and I bought tickets off a scalper shortly before the game and watched a hell of a football game. Phil and Sean went to BW3 to catch the game, get some food, and drink some beer. Apparently the food ate Sean. So shortly after Frange and I caught up with Phil and Sean at BW3, Cave was feeling pretty sick. So we left to go back to Phil's brother's apartment. We walked North on High Street and got only to the Northberg Tavern before Sean had to visit the little girls' room. Sean barely made it to the stall when he unleashed a flurry of sounds that was anything but holy. Honestly, I think demons were flying out of him. His vomiting was about 5 times louder than any other vomiting I've ever heard. I think he actually had to pick up his intestines and swallow them back down. When he was done, the stall looked like it had been attacked by the girl in the exorcist.

There's much more to this story, but it's long enough that it should really get its own post (that's what she said). This is probably the only story to make it on one of these lists that isn't really humorous. Its here more because it was so odd and memorable. That's not to say that there wasn't something kinda funny about the ridiculous sounds coming from his mouth, but it was obviously a little worrisome, too.
12.) I See That You're Drinking 1% Milk: This moment is definitely much more recent than any of the other moments on this or the other lists. This past weekend while we were hanging out at The Cliffside, Sean began spouting out quotes from Napoleon Dynamite and they were HILARIOUS. He had the entire table of about eight of us roaring for five minutes with these quotes. It may sound like this moment is only included because it's fresh in my mind. But ask Todd... this was probably the best stretch of comedy that Cave has ever had. He was in rare form. I only hope that you guys get a chance to see it like we did.
13.) Ummm..: I'm going to need assistance on this one because I'm having a hard time remembering the details. I think I'm probably way off on some of the story. About 3 years ago Jackson, Sean, Jeff, and I were at Sean and Phil's apartment on W. Norwich and we were playing a game... I think it was Trivial Pursuit. Anyhow, the question of whatever game provided clues that the answer was, in everyone else's mind, clearly "The Pinball Wizard". Something maybe about a rock opera about a blind kid who plays pinball or something. At least it seemed that the question was that easy. But the question was directed to Sean. And Cave's response was "Ummm.... uhhh.... Mr. Magoo?". This answer was hilarious not only because was it wrong, but because (1) we all thought the question was so easy that we weren't prepared for any answer but "The Pinball Wizard" and (2) you could see the Cave mind at work here - getting caught on the "blind" thing and being unable to process anything else... and the "else" would have pointed anyone else clearly away from that answer. The answer was so funny to us that this marked one of the times where Jeff and I were both laughing so hard that we were crying. I think it's happened only twice, the other time being while we watched "HE'S WEARING RAY-BANS!". So obviously, this was an important moment for me and Jeff (Jeff finally gets his spotlight in this list.)
14.) And the Award Goes to...: The Sean's Clubs Award.

Now I know there have got to be some other great moments that I'm missing. There have been so many of them. Looking back, I noticed that I subconsciously use "Sean" and "Cave" at different times as though he is two separate personalities: normally using "Sean" to refer to the person and "Cave" to refer to his caveman-like persona. It makes sense but it's funny that I didn't realize I was doing it. Hmm. I've learned a little bit about myself tonight. I hope you have, too.

Oh, that Cave!

I Hit the Jack-pot?

I have already revealed to the world a shocking list of fantastic Jeff moments. I have published a stunning collection of unforgettable Todd moments. Now, in a daring attempt to complete the third and final installment, the Return of the Jedi to Todd's Empire Strikes Back, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe to Jeff's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I shall now reveal my assemblage of...


*much triumphant fanfare and ass-slapping*

This list was in some ways more difficult than the other two in that Jack is so consistently funny. While he's got some amazing contributions to this list, he's often not quite as outrageous as, say, a drunk Jeff. He's guaranteed to keep you laughing the entire evening, though. And that humor has provided a number of hysterical, purely Jackson moments that you will find in this list.

Onwards and upwards...

1.) One-Hit Wonders: At my house at 94 E. Lane in the summer of 2002, Jackson came over one night to play a game of Balderdash with my roommate Mike D, our friend Ashleigh, and my friend Amita. The game was a lot of fun, we got drunk on Jackson's Special Martinis and then watched VH1's One-Hit Wonders. It was simple but we had a fantastic time.
2.) Snap Into A Slim Jim: Seeing Jackson's face when he ran over to check on me after Slim Jim tackled me after the Purdue game. It's the only time I've ever seen Jackson ready to pummel someone.
3.) Cave Grumblings: "Jesus Christ! Who shit themselves?!"
4.) One Word: Batman.
5.) Two Words: Beano Cook.
6.) Three Words: "Fives and sixes!"
7.) Happy Birthday?: Jackson acting completely unfazed as Todd, Jeff, Phil, and me leap out of hiding to surprise him for his birthday in Monroe.
8.) That Place on the T.V.: Waking up in Monroe the next morning shortly before the OSU football game was to start, only to find that it wasn't scheduled to broadcast, then finding that it was mercifully being broadcast... only to then have Jackson walk in with Pizza Papalis about one minute later. This is one of the happiest moments of my life.

Coincidentally, Jeff eating almost an entire pizza by himself is one of the most impressive things I have ever witnessed. Also impressive is that Jeff manages to make yet another list of mine.

9.) Suck on My Tenderness: "Evan just licked me. And not on accident either."
10.) Snits: The greatest Balderdash moment ever (even better than the repeated sexual comments about Sean's sister). Jackson's definition of the word SNIT ran along the lines of the best Grandpa Simpson quote of all time: "I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. 'Give me five bees for a quarter,' you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time." It was so good that I saved the Balderdash entry and still have it to this day.
11.) Mullet Castle: During the Scavenger Hunt in 2003, we needed a picture of someone on our team with a definitively mulleted individual. While building our slider-box pyramid in White Castle, a femullet waltzed her way into the ordering line. I quickly pointed out the presence of the nearby femullet and Jackson wasted no time. He proceeded immediately to the femullet and her man and simply asked "Can I get a picture with you?", which was hilarious. The couple was nothing less than mind-fucked, but some sweet-talkin' by me convinced them to play along.

12.) Double Team Supreme: Finding out that Jack was a Tenacious D fan, which happened during the epic Halloween party at Jack's place on W. Norwich. I found myself singing to Tenacious D's "Double Team" and saw that Jackson was the only other person in the place singing along. So we sang it out loud while everyone else in the basement stared in confusion.
13.) Fully Extended... Thirteen: Drunk, listening to The Frogs in Jackson's basement at 3:00 in the morning.
14.) Ever the Optimist: "Typical big blind hand..."
15.) Go North!: The infamous Halloween party where we were encouraging young lovers to explore each other's bodies through the use of heavy petting. Sitting on the couch near the front door yelling at people in the middle of all the action was one of my favorite college party moments of all time.
16.) Great Names in Porn: There are more than a few great moments involved with theBlog.net, but one of the ones that sticks out like Jeff after watching a 2nd Grade boys' gym class is Jackson's random note one night about watching a college basketball game... UAB perhaps?... and describing how he lost it when he heard the commentator say the point guard's name: Squeaky Johnson.
17.) Goro Inagaki is So Dreamy!: One night I forced Todd and Jackson to watch an obscure but inspired piece of not-so-erotic soft-core: Private Lessons 2. Jackson tried to ignore the beginning of the movie as he sat in the dining room and devoured his Subway in only the way Jackson can. But his ears were not immune to the dulcive tones of Goro Inagaki (of SMAP fame) as they fluttered one of the first lines of the movie: "What is that you wanted, Miss Cooper?"... which sounded more like "Wutidditatyuwatted, mi cupah?". Upon hearing these words Jackson decided to inhale a good portion of his sub and choke on it momentarily, partly because he was laughing and I think partly because of shock. There was some Peanut Gallery Effect (TM) here, but that only enhanced the moment.

Again, I'm probably missing a bunch of great moments, but I think this is a pretty good selection. I keep thinking that there have got to be some great Cuervo moments or poker moments that I'm forgetting here. But I have done what I can do. A comprehensive list of great Jackson moments would be impossible.

So, Jackson, here's to you.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

This is my Pugil Stick

I don't have time to discuss it now, nor can I even fully comprehend what just happened, but it needs to be shared. Just scroll down until you get to "below the belt" and read....wow.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Summing Up the Dids in 16 Easy Installments

Verbally fellating Nipsey made me think of some other great moments in the lives of other contributors to this esteemed blog. So in the same spirit, I will also attempt to highlight some favorite moments of The Diddy and Jack Fu.

First up will be Dids. This will not be an easy feat. I've known Dids longer than the other guys and have spent quite a bit more time with him. Nipsey's moment are so memorable, most often because they are so ridiculous, but Dids and Jack Fu I think will be tougher.

I'm very very certain that I am going to miss a whole lot of great moments in this list, especially from early in college. But that's just the risk I have to take. Accept that this list will not be comprehensive and your life shall be spared.

Let's do this. Now I bring you my...


...in roughly chronological order.

1.) Playing The Bangals' "Eternal Flame" any time he just wanted to piss of Jeff "The Assman" Arszman.

2.) Jeff Arszman's Brown Log of Doom (with a +7 against flushing). This was an epic struggle of Todd and Jason vs. Arszman and his log. After dropping The Log That Would Not Flush (TLTWNF), Arszman refused to help the situation... but he did suggest to Dids that he take a plastic knife and cut up his poo. How considerate. This story was so good that I checked back at regular intervals during the day to see how the story was unfolding.

3.) "One size fits most."

4.) Walking the Diddy and Joanna back to Todd's apartment after Jeff's New Year's Eve 2003 party. Todd couldn't even walk straight. At the time it was the most drunk I had ever seen him and it was hilarious.

5.) Driving to Lonestar Steakhouse for dinner on the first day of the 2003 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament. "Who's gonna drive?" "Who's the least drunk?" "Todd" "Okay then." Admittedly not one our smarter moments but at least it was a fun drive and Todd was fine.

Incidentally, this reminded me that there was another couple great Nipsey moments: when he graciously handed over the rest of the Texas Rose (fried onion bullshit thing) to Kristin without caring if she wanted it or not. This wouldn't have been so funny if he wasn't struggling so much to do it in his drunken state. Also, "You... you got a little spunk on ya," is pure legend at this point.

6.) One moment I wasn't there for and I hate myself for it... but I can picture it happening and my mental image is still worth listing here. During one night of poker at Phil and Sean's old apartment on W Norwich, Sean was getting bullied every which way by Todd. Sean would get decent cards... Todd would raise significantly... Sean would fold. Rinse and repeat. The Caveman was teetering on the brink of a rampage for a while and something finally set him over. Cave finally got two cards that just couldn't be beat and he just couldn't wait to dish out his revenge. The exact details of the betting are sketchy, but essentially Cave was limping around with his monster hand, trying to bait Todd into betting big again, but Todd had figured out right away that Cave had him beat and that he wanted revenge. So after a small bet by the Caveman, Todd, who had been in all those previous hands bullying him, folded. Cave's eyes got really wide as he stared at Todd in disbelief... then he reached over the table and smacked Todd. Unbelievable... but yet totally believable.

7.) Playing poker on Phil's balcony one night, Todd was a bit gassy. Nothing too shocking here. But on this particular evening, his burps were repulsive even by his standards. So he, of course, unleashed one directly into Phil's face. Phil then proceeded to run into his apartment and gag and curse for five minutes. It was fantastic.

8.) The 2 week period where Todd was able to drive the Caveman to rampage mode with only these words: "I just tore three ACLs." It made no sense, really, why it would infuriate him, and that's what made it so funny.

9.) Todd becoming comatose after a quick dance with Old Dan Tucker and Cabana Boy during Fiesta Bowl 2004

10.) Todd and me convincing Phil enough that his name is "Jack Parlance" that he actually got up to look it up on the Internet.

11.) Any phone conversation involving Todd and the Cave.

12.) Come to think of it, any time Todd and the Cave are together.

13.) Cuervo 2004: When I was absolutely livid with the events unfolding in a poker game in the basement, Todd turned on No Doubt's rendition of "It's My Life" - which made it impossible for me to be angry, which is really what I wanted to be at that particular time.

14.) Dancing and singing to Britney Spears's "Toxic" in the Dub Pub (this is The Erin Night).

15.) Working in the lyrics to Lil' Jon's "Get Low" whenever possible - especially where it doesn't fit.

16.) Slapping each other in Halo 2 for one-and-a-half straight hours.

Least Favorite Moment?: "Alright, here's what you wanna do... take a knee." Bastard.

So that is a first effort. In no way is it complete, but it was a fun ride. "My kids love it, it's safe, and it's fun."

Post comments with any others you think of.



Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The Juice Weasel

So I’m sure by now that everyone has heard about Raffie, the lying Juan Valdez Look-alike. If you’ve been living in a cave or wearing a sports-shielding helmet of some kind for the past two days, here’s the gist: a few months after denying that he had ever used steroids at March’s Congressional hearings -- where, as a matter of fact, he actually, physically pointed his finger at the Congressional committee while saying he was offended to even be there -- Viagra spokesman Rafael Palmeiro tested positive for a banned substance. Well, I’m sure we’re all shocked by this. After all, there wasn’t anything at all suspicious about this guy, a slap hitter in his early years with the Cubs reaching 500 dingers; a guy who, out of all the members of the 500-HR club, took the longest to even hit 30 homers in a season. FYI, Raffie finally did it in 1993, his 8th season in the bigs, as he belted 37 round-trippers, topping his previous year’s mark by 15. This, coincidentally(?), was the first year Raffie was teammates with a mulletted behemoth by the name of Jose Canseco. Shocker. Starting with that season, Mr. Valdez averaged 41 HRs a year for the next 10 full seasons (not counting the strike-shortened ‘94), 10 years in which he aged from 28 to 38 years old, yet never hit below that first total of 37 (in a row?).

Speaking of Canseco, there’s no way you can like the guy, but as the MWB took great pains to point out back in February, his book was probably much more "fact" than the media wanted to give him credit for at the time. Some of his remembrances were just too specific to be outright lies, and events of the last few months are making him look like more of a truth-teller than was originally thought: Mark McGwire’s hilarious "I’m not here to talk about the past" non-answers in front of Congress, Sammy Sosa’s refusal to personally speak to Congress because of his problems with Eenglish, Jason Giambi’s "apology," Pudge Rodriguez dropping 20+ pounds and losing almost all of his power, and now Raffie getting caught. Like I said, the guy’s a jackass, but you can be a jackass while telling the truth. "Jackass" and "truth-teller" are not mutually-exclusive. It’s about time people realized that.

Furthermore, Palmeiro’s bunk about "accidentally" ‘roiding up just strikes me as hilarious. Okay, this guy’s a professional ath-eh-lete in the sunset of his career. He depends on his body to make a living (and no, not in that way), and he really wants to make sure he can keep playing as long as possible, avoiding injury. Is there any way this guy would put something on/into his body without knowing EXACTLY what it was? Ath-eh-letes are notorious for being fickle about what they ingest or inject in order to stay healthy - shit, average joe’s who work out regularly wouldn’t take anything without finding out exactly what the substance was. I don’t buy this "accident" bullshit at all. What, are we supposed to believe that he fell on a needle or something? Rubbed "the cream" and "the clear" on himself without realizing it? Took an anabolic roofie at a hip Baltimore rave? Yeah, right. Shut the fuck up and take your medicine, Raffie. You cheater.

Ahhh, the Scoots.

So I read Nips's responses to the listing of Evan's greatest moments with Nips. In it, he declared that Scooter's greatest moment was him grappling with Joanna's boob and declaring the well known, "thank you". I feel, as the greatest Scooter reference amongst us, that I must expand on these Scooter moments. But before I break into those, I'd like to add a couple to the Jeff list:

1) Jeff dressed as baby new year. The best use of a diaper I can remember.

2) Jeff and I entangled (of my dangle) on the ski lift and giggling the whole way up.

3) Hearing (not seeing) the gimp Nipples screaming through the phone (and his own shirt) after he had been bound in, of all places, a Taco Bell drive through. (**Note - Reading that sentence without knowing context would have to be even funnier)

4) At Jackson and Kristin's apartment, we hid awaiting Jackson's arrival. Jeff turned himself into Ichabod Crane (eventially known as Ichiro-bob Grundle), he then decided to moonbathe, and much later he beat the living crap out of Phil with a 4 foot summer sausage.

Okay, with those additions to Nips, I should proceed to Scoots McGee. So here we go, countin' em down from 16 to 1, the best scooter moments. And remember, this list goes to eleven. Or maybe 16. I have a feeling this "best moments" list might become a running theme.

1) "At Least 220" - We know the story.

2) "Sign of the beast" - Where it came from? It doesn't matter. Scooter said this phrase once every three seconds for two straight years. I support that.

3) Register This - After a heavy night of drinking and returning to the dorms and being pissed he wasn't getting laid (that's really any day for Scoot's entire first two years), he turned to old reliable: violence. He proceeded to bang his head off the heat register for about an hour straight. The noise it created "down-pipe?" was enough to awaken three rooms which I realized the next day when no fewer than seven people asked what that noise was last night.

4) Drunken head banging - After a going to a concert (I believe Kid Rock), he returned drunk and exhausted. He proceded to pass out in a desk chair next to a wall (and a corner). With his neck worn out from head banging he couldn't keep his head still and it would waive voilently around periodically cracking into the concrete dorm wall and not waking him up. This repeating for nearly an hour and never got old.

5) "Thank you" - Probably his greatest moment. It encompassed drunken mumble talk, a Scooter phrase, and boobs. I say thank you to Joanna as well, for sitting on his lap and letting this fantastic event occur.

6) Scotty No Message - Thinking Race's academic advisor was a telemarketer, and not relaying the message to him, he nearly cost Race the ability to graduate on time. Mr. Garber would coin the nickname "Scotty No Message" as a result.

7) Man on fire - Scott and I decided to light a tree on fire and push it into pond. I have no idea why. However, before I finish pouring the gas on it, he lights it, which catches the entire canister of gas on fire that I'm holding. It wasn't much fun.

8) "The corner" - He's there a lot.

9) Fun Dip - Giving this to him in the dorms would result in extra-hyper scoots.

10) Teabag - A highly entertaining game of street football came to a crashing end when Bubnick fell down and Scooter ran directly over him and teabagged him. He declared his teabagging while it occurred. Bubnick never knew what hit him.

11) Head meets pavement (Editor's note from Jack Fu: This is apparently unfinished. Todd, finish it.)

12) We are the champions - One standard drunken saturday at the house on 85, I'm asleep in bed. Suddenly, I awake. I hear the distant noises of dumpster kicking and singing. They gradually get closer as I hear, "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!! *BOOM*...and repeat" until finally Scooter and Wakefield enter and scream, "OF THE WORLD"

13) Just a fantasy - When prompted about joining a fantasy baseball league, Scoots said he couldn't because, "I'm already in, like 4 NCAA Pools". Saying that sentence to Jeff will make his head explode.

14) Floored - (Editor's note from Jack Fu: see #11, above.)

Also receiving votes: The scooter scream, Mumbled drunk scottspeak, "Gimme a Scott Face"